Rebuilding Connection: Addressing Distance and Re-igniting Intimacy in Your Marriage

Question
My wife and i have been together for over 10 years. We've been married for 8 1/2. We have 2 beautiful children. Over the past few years i unknowingly have become relaxed and more or less lazy in our relationship. When my wife would tell me about this and how i need to show her more interest i would take a defensive and say things like "you just have to deal with it.." ect. Over the past year my wife has hardened herself towards me because of this. About 2 years ago she made a new friend while we were on vacation who happened to be a guy. we live 5 hours away from this guy. Over this time I've had a hard time dealing with and understanding the friendship and understanding how they could talk to each other almost every day. She has never denied that they didn't talk everyday. The past few months i started having this "gut feeling" that something else was going on. So i started "snooping" around for anything i could find. Never really finding anything till just recently. I recently found out that i could access picture taken from our cell phones online. While we were on vacation i noticed that she had a picture of a rose on there and it was uploaded that same timeframe we were on vacation. So i logged into her account to see if this picture was sent from her "friend" unfortunately i never found that picture. Instead i found pictures from both of them that were lets say for lack of a better term vulgar and very explicit. I confronted her about them she informed me that nothing ever happened between them and i belive her. She said that what she did was wrong and it was just a momentarily lapse in judgement. I am absolutely heartbroken over this knowing that in a way i pushed this along with not being the man she needed. She is open to going to consoling but is requesting that we go to separate people to talk about our problems. Do you think this is ok to do? What can i do to make this not hurt so much? I love my wife with everything i have in my soul! And don't want to lose her!  And any other advice that you could give me would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
Hi Jeremy,

I am sorry you are feeling so badly, but at least you accept your responsibility about where you find yourself today, and that is a good thing -- it tells me you will learn from this and be a better husband.

Most people who fool around do it not because of sex, but because they aren't getting their needs met in the marriage. The "fooling around" is usually a sort of a cry for help to get a spouse's attention and wake them up to come back to the marriage and fix what's not working. To that end, you must find out what needs your wife has that were not being met in the marriage. This requires honesty and being real, and that is why a couple's counselor would be very helpful for you both at this time. Individual counseling would be helpful in addition to that, but I suggest you also go to marriage counseling. What I know is that if your wife can't be real and tell you honestly what she really fells, then it is likely the problem will not be resolved, and she may once again turn to someone else in the future.

A couple's therapist will show you how to be real, and how to make it safe to not only tell each other what you really feel, but to receive the information in a mature and loving way. You guys really need to do this!

I hope this information helps -- good luck to you!!

Doctor Becky