QuestionMy husband and I have been together for nearly 4 years. We fell in love quickly and got pregnant even quicker. We've had the typical up's and down's of young marriages, and about a year and a half ago we separated...well I left because we were fighting so much. He lied to me a lot early on, which in turn I became a screaming shrew that was never pleasant to be around. After nearly three months, he asked me to come home, and I did. He said he would change and I decided if I was ever going to make it work that I was going to have to let go of all my resentment towards him as well as other things, and I did, and for 6 months we were happy, not perfect, but much much better then ever before. Then he deployed to Afghanistan, and for me it was like falling in love all over again. We didn't fight for 9 months, sent each other "love ya so much baby" emails and all that other mushy crap. His RR came up FINALLY and I felt like I was finally able to just breath again. My son had his father home and I had my mate by my side again. It was wonderful for about 3 days until he dropped the bomb of "I love you, but not like I should...I'm not in love with you anymore and I've been unhappy for a really long time...since before you left last year...the only reason I asked you to come back was because I didn't want to be alone...and I need space to sort all this out." I freaked out a bit, but gave him space, he needed more of it I know but when you feel like you've only got 2 weeks to try and figure out what's going on with you husband before he's gone again everything gets a bit blurry. Then I find out he's been having an affair in Afghanistan. We tried hard to end things on a good note, but the harder we tried to be nice to each other the bigger the blow outs were. In the end it was fairly nasty and our poor baby has gotten caught right up in the middle of it all. I don't want to lose my husband, I love him and I want us to be a family again, but I am just so lost and he's already gone again, and right back with her overseas. How do I even go about repairing this? There is so much more to all of it but rehashing it still hurts so much and I'm so confused and everything is just coming out so jumbled up.
AnswerHi Sarah,
I am so sorry for your pain ... and with your husband gone to Afghanistan it must add a sense of helplessness. I wish I could wave a wand over you and make it all go away.
But I can't, and it sounds like this is a very serious marital crisis, indeed. When I was reading your letter I was thinking that when he said he was unhappy after returning home for R & R that it sounded like your husband was having an affair, and then you confirmed it. If you guys were in therapy a therapist would tell him to end the affair immediately, and if he didn't, the therapist would not do marital therapy with you, because we know that when a husband or wife is focused on a third person, there is nothing you can do until they are not focused on that person. (We would see each spouse individually, however).
If your husband is unwilling to stop the affair, there is not much you can do. You can't fix it or control his actions in any way. What he does is up to him. If I were you I would not try to fix it, as this will most likely have the opposite effect of what you want -- it will push him father away. Your best chance for reconciliation is to release him and turn your focus to healing yourself. Sometimes husbands see their wives spring to life in a healthy way and they want to come back. You do have a child together and this will weigh heavily with him in his decision-making process, I'm sure.
I wish you the best of luck ... if I were you I would get therapy and have the therapist work with you on what it is to be healthy and to have healthy relationships. It is well worth the effort.
Take care,
Doctor Becky
