QuestionHi Pat,
I just wanted to share my story with you. I am 6 months pregnant and when I was about 8 weeks I tried to abort by using cytotec 4 pills. I was emotionally unstable because my ex boyfriend would switch off his phone,ignore me and never visited me. It was clear he didnot love him. He came back and promised to make things right.he said he was going to marry me but he never did. He moved to a new flat and didnot bother to show me his new place. I was hurt and disappointed. He kept lying to me and because I was desperate I believed him.
I always used to go to the baby ultrasounds on my own, when I was sick he never visited me. After 3months he came back to see me and announced that he was getting married to another woman,they were planning a wedding. I can't believe he was planning a wedding whilst I as suffering. It was clear he never loved me. I was depressed and embarrassed I had to wear a ring and pretend like he loved me and wanted to be with me. I had to lie to my friends and family.
I thought I was ok with him moving on but I still miss him. I wish we could be a family with my baby but I know that's not possible. I sometimes feel angry then bitter then depressed and sad. I don't know how to forgive him and move on. Finally I am constantly worried that my baby's brain will be affected by the cytotec I took. Pls advise me Pat. I don't know how to cope emotionally.
AnswerHello, Missy,
I am really sorry you have been through all that, and I appreciate you sharing your story, and the detail.
It is so common for a man to use a woman's body like that, and then when she gets pregnant, turn against her. I probably feel even more sorry for the woman he married! She is probably in for a life of living hall! And that will start with him betraying her any time he feels like it. That said, I wish I could tell every woman on the planet to avoid men like that. I see so many of such tragedies here.
You truly loved him, and had committed to him, quite obviously. When a woman has sex, the hormones also cause bonding, so there will be emotional repercussions.
But there is some good news. At 8 weeks, your baby was completely formed. While there is brain development past that point, the situation doesn't pose the risk of gross deformity. In fact, it probably had no effect at all, because your baby was manufacturing progesterone for himself or herself, and wouldn't have been affected except for possibly a temporary reduction in blood supply, but probably not even that. So try not to worry about that. While any baby can have difficulties, if yours has any, it is probably not your fault. Your ultrasounds undoubtedly showed nothing of importance.
At this point, you can honestly tell people that he has abandoned you. It will be true, and you won't have to make up anything that isn't consistent with what you said before. The only thing you said that would even be open to question has to do with how long you presented to everyone that he loved you, because it went beyond the time he left you. You don't owe people an explanation. He abandoned you, and that's that.
It is normal and necessary for you to experience anger and bitterness, as well as depression and sadness. People go through stages of mourning, and that's part of it. The ability to forgive will come later, and you well recognize that it will represent part of your emotional and spiritual healing. Please know that forgiveness is not an emotion. It is a decision, the decision to accept the hurt and let it go, not to hold it against him. You clearly don't need him in your life. You deserve a man who will be a true father to your baby, and you are now available to find such a man. Take it one step at a time. Find someone who will be with you during labor and coach you, a supportive friend, and see if you can get permission for that person to be with you. When you feel up to it, you can start going places where you might meet some decent men. Many outright abusers are capable of being very gracious under those circumstances. They don't show their true colors until you marry them. It is difficult to judge a man's character prior to marriage. But I have seen many cases where a woman find a real man, who was a father to the children in every way except biologically. In fact, we have three such men in my own family, and my husband is one of them. Remember, too, that when we acknowledge Jesus as our Savior and Brother, we are God's children by adoption. It is the same thing.
In the meantime, I recommend you go to God with your grief and your feelings. Talk to Him as you would to your father, and tell Him what happened and how you feel. Ask Him to forgive you for trying to have an abortion. Be assured that God has already paid the penalty, and He will freely forgive the moment you ask Him sincerely. Spend time reading the Bible. In particular, I think the Psalms will be helpful. There are many Psalms that discuss grief and tragedy, and all of the feelings that a person experiences, and I think they will speak to you. You would also benefit from some counseling. In the United States and in some other countries, there are organizations that provide this counseling. The women who counsel usually have experienced abortion, and have healed emotionally and spiritually, so they will understand what you are going through. I don't know of any resources in Iceland, but if you start to ask around at the various churches, to find an organization that helps pregnant women, you may find one. I will also be here for you, and I want you to feel free to talk to me any time, and express your feelings, and I'll try to provide you with the best help I can. I will pray for you.
If you are unable to find counseling there, you may be able to get counseling by email. Go to this web site:
http://www.optionline.org/
Remember, you are carrying a child who is YOUR baby. Be the best possible mother you can be. Don't worry about who the "father" is. He was nothing more than a sperm donor. If you want to seek child support, you may be able to, but you'll have to decide if you want to have anything further to do with him, and find out what the possibilities are. I am not familiar with your laws.
So please keep in touch. God loves you both, and He will help you. All you have to do is ask. Please take care, and I hope to hear from you soon. Send me a picture of your baby.
