QuestionHello. I've never "asked an expert" before. I have been to counseling but not in a long time. Please excuse the fact that this may be a little lengthy...and know I really value and appreciate your time.
I just turned 30. When I was 25, I thought I had met the man of my dreams, we'll call him Jose. He used to kiss me like crazy when we first met...I would say that lasted about 6 months.
I need to let you know that I was not the best woman at that age. I was into binge drinking and also drugs...mainly prescription pain killers and sometimes cocaine. I am a highly professional woman now who has done a 180. I would never go back to that lifestyle again. He did cocaine socially, and I think still does once in awhile but am not sure. He does smoke marijuana still...but I don't see that as a big deal.
When we were together, I admit I did some things that weren't right. Once he was taking a very long time in the bathroom adn I was afraid he was doing coke. A man asked me for my number and he saw when he came out as I passed the note. That was the first bad thing. To sum things up, I never actually cheated but know that he did once or twice.
In 2008 we lived together about a year. I got into prescription pain drugs again. He knew and became more distant, and would go out wihtout me a lot. One night he came home...I was on meds and he was on coke. He woke me and knew I was screwed up, I knew he was. We fought. He hurt me, hit me and made me very upset. I hit back, I won't lie. The next day he called my work over and over and to make a long story short he said he was coming to my work and my boss made me get a restraining order. I did not want to...been there before and it did nothing.
I did not speak to him for over a year. In May of this year we started talking again. Before May, he had gotten his 2nd DUI and is now in jail...he got 60 days and is out this Sunday. He seems to be turning around, even before jail. We spent time with his daughter together which we normally didn't used to do, and I loved it.
The thing is, I know he loves me but he never says it. He never kisses me more than on the cheek (said he has never liked kissing). In all these years he has yet to say I love you, he has only signed love Jose on cards, etc. He doesn't speak affectionately. I don't know why I'm in love with him but I am. He is a very good person...has a great job and I believe he is turning around. I am just lost on so many levels. I've tried counseling but it doesn't seem to work for me. It's not like I don't have other opportunities. Guys ask me out but I don't ever accept because I love Jose. When he lived with me he had full use of my car, though he paid for gas and always paid when we went out, etc. when he could which was a lot. My mom has said in the past he is using me, and so did another woman whose husband is friends with him. I just don't know what to do. I have such a hard time letting go. I love him with all of my heart and want this to work. I asked him 2 weeks ago in jail if he wanted another baby (he has a 14 year old daughter). He said he wants a boy. I said I do too. He didn't reply. Today when I saw him at his office I brought it up and he said that he didn't want to talk about it...then said he doesn't want one. When I said he just said he does, he said he doesn't know and doesn't want to talk about it. I told him it's no rush, but that if we stay together I would like to know in a year or two. By 32, I would like to be with someone who wants to raise a family with me.
I probably sound crazy. I'm sorry. I feel so alone right now and can't talk about this, at least all of the details, with anyone. Can you please help me? I'd appreciate if you don't advise counseling as I've been to so many and I always keep going back to him...and they usually agree after I talk to them over and over that it's ok to do. I try to ask him how he feels and he always says I'm so sappy. When we're together usually we are great, but then he accuses me of being possessive, etc when I want to spend a lot of time with him. Please help. Thank you so much in advance...I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Best,
Jennifer
AnswerHi Jennifer,
Thank you for taking the time to explain some details about the relationship. I read the information over a few times before deciding that I would make a strong effort at giving you some much needed advice on your manner of seeing things.
You state that you have done a 180 and are now a highly professional woman.
I would like to elaborate on that particular statement for a moment and will assume it was made with sincerity and purpose to indicate what you believe to be a turnaround of your lifestyle.
The fact that you believe to have made a 180 is not quite so evident in that you still wish to include an entity that was a factor in your previous life. If you have completely turned your life around, then it is expected that the people with whom you were involved when your behaviour was not so good, should be left behind as well. My point is this: If you believe that you have changed, then why do you believe it is fine for him to smoke marijuana, and you see this not as a big deal. A 180 reversal of beliefs would have made you question this behaviour. This leads me to believe that you have not quite reached the point where you are able to say that you did a 180. The idea that you would have done so while still entertaining the thought of continuing a relationship with this same man from the past kind of contradicts itself.
Let's look at it frankly. You were not the "best type of woman", as you said. I would definitely agree that based on your words, you were not. Well, this attracts a certain kind of person. So, with that in mind, if you believe you have changed, then you should be attracting and attracted to other types of people.
This guy has been in jail, has done drugs, has hit you, refuses to tell you he loves you, has done countless other things that would make most women run like the devil away from him, yet you are telling me that he is a lovely person and you are even wondering whether you should have a child with him?
If I were to tell you to wake up and smell the roses, what part of WAKE UP!! would you not understand?
Jennifer, if you truly believe that you have turned your life around, then you would not think twice about moving on and finding a person that is more worthy of your affection.
Then again..........let me remind you of one thing that I learned a long time ago.
"One should never complain about a partner's shortcomings and flaws, because it may well be those very imperfections that prevented him/her from finding a better partner."
Remember that and please do not consider me harsh, but consider my words more a warning that you need to set your standards a bit higher if you value yourself a highly professional woman. If you have turned your life around then you deserve a bit better, don't you think?
Any man who has hit a woman, done drugs, etc...etc...should not be your first choice if you wish to turn your life around.
Of course, this is my opinion but you did ask for advice. I respectfully suggest that you sit down and consider the possibility of Jose changing for your sake. The chances are slim, and time will tell, but I am pretty certain any change will not be a major impact going forward.
Agreed, people may always need a second chance........but it does not say that this second chance needs to be given by the same partner.
If you have changed, then you deserve a second chance, and may I suggest you try finding someone who will be more representative of the "new" you.
Look for honesty, integrity, common sense, no addictions, passion and purpose. Believe you me, there are still men out there that possess some of these qualities.
I wish you the best that life has to offer.
regards,
Don.
