Rebuilding Your Marriage After a Long Relationship & Life Changes

Question
i have been married for over a yr, but have spent the last 10 yrs of my life with the same man. i don't know where to even start with my questions. the biggest thing is that due to a back injury i am unable to work at this time and in dealing with this problem my marriage has continued to fade away in the distance. for yrs my husband told me to buy things for a wedding to only be disappointed months later when he said we weren't getting married. like being teased over and over just for his pleasure. he is a huge mamas boy and there is a line that shouldn't be crossed and he crosses it for sure. he could care less about asking me how my day has been or how i'm feeling but finds time to call his mom atleast 3 times a day, most times he calls more than that. i feel like he could care less if i'm here or not and when i try talking to him he usually blows up cuses me and walks away. i fear that the only reason he finally did get married is that i had a great high paying job and not six months after we were married things continued to go down hill. i am happy that he has respect for his parents but when you leave work to go to their house after you've cleaned house and cooked all day it pisses you off when he doesn't show up till after 10 pm when he leaves work at 2pm. i have tried everything from being extra nice and going out of my way to do little things that i know he likes, but it doesn't matter what i do. i haven't be the best daughter in law i know, but its hard when your in laws say they wished their son wasn't with you and was with his ex fiance, and still yet i was hurt very much so and let him know and told him i thought it would be best to speakto his mom about it he dared me to say a word to her...i've tried calling them and even visiting and if i do he wants to know what i'm wanting from them, and if i don't i'm pathetic and could care less about him. how do i win in this marriage. i'm in tears every day and those tears fall and i become angry. what do i do? how do i make this work if we can't even talk to each other. he has been accussed of affairs yet i can't prove anything and when i asked he laughed in my face. to be honest i'm not sure that another woman would be interested long. he isn't the giving type sexually or emotionally. its alwayss about giving him what he wants and well he could care less if he's pleased you or not. i just don't know any more...i'm confused, hurt and angry. is this marriage worth saving or is it just a sham to begin with. maybe its just we were too comfortable with where we were. please help me.

Answer
Hi Shae,

Your situation is very sad and I am sorry that you are in experiencing it.

I hope you don't mind brutal honesty, because your husband sounds like a selfish loser. While reading your letter I kept asking myself, "Why did she marry this jerk in the first place?" He sounds like no prize. So I guess I am thinking that you need to find the part of you that would not put up with such disrespect and abuse and put her in the driver's seat of your car. Your "car" represents you, and the parts of you that you listen to in various situations. Right now the part of you that seems to be driving is one that doesn't believe she deserves better than the sad situation she has.

Your husband is not going to change, so you have choices to make. Think about it and answer this question: What course of action is healthy for me? The bottom line is that you need to take care of you ... and that part of you that's strong and confident needs now to step in and take care of the part of you that (apparently) feels a selfish mama's boy is the best she can do. Don't be a victim ... instead, step into your power and make positive things happen for you.

You deserve a great life and this guy sounds like the ultimate ball and chain. Get some bolt cutters and take yourself to places where you are valued and treated in the way you deserve. I wish you great luck and hope this helps.

Doctor Becky