Navigating Blended Family Dynamics: Support & Solutions

Question
Samantha-
I have been married to my husband for four years this June and we have been together for 10 years. I love my husband to death but we have different views on his children, which has caused a drift in our relationship. You see my husband is 15 years older than I am and has three adult children from his previous marriage, his two boys live with us (their ages are 21 and almost 23) and I have two chidren from my previous marriage (my daughter is 12, and my son is 9). His children live with us, the 23 year old has no job has one son and another baby on the way and his 21 year old lives at home but is constantly buying things that he really does not need. Neither one of them pay rent, help with groceries or the utilities. There are so many issues that I face with this that I do not know how to handle them in the best way and it is to the point that I just do not feel like trying anymore. You see what we agree on his 1) we only live in a 4 bedroom house so my two children have to share a room 2) I feel that his children should be paying rent if they live in our home 3) I feel that his 23 year old who has two children should get a job and move out and take care of himself and his family. The problem is my husband disagrees with me on all counts. He tells me that they do not need to move out and that he isn't going to make them move out. I feel that my husband is enabling them and he doesn't. I feel that my children need to have their own space and it is not fair that they have to share a room because his two grown children will not move out and have no plans in moving out in the future. What I struggle with the most is that when we meet 9 years ago he told me that his children will push me away and right now I feel that they are. I do not know how to handle this situation because right now no matter what I do I will be the one that ends up being the bad guy. Could you please give me some advice. I love my husband to death but I feel that I need to take my chidlren and leave.

Answer
Hi Angela~

I agree with you that you need to take care of your children and leave, it shouldn't have to come to this but he's choosing his GROWN children over his wife and that's not acceptable.  You have two small children that for now depend on you for the love, care and support a parent should be giving to them at this tender age, when they are very impressionable too.  They should definitely not be sharing a room at this age either.  And if social services found out about this, that would definitely be a no no.  Your husband has his priorities all wrong that's for sure.  He's condoning their behavior by supporting them, no requiring them to have jobs and to help carry their share around the house and that's become a real problem.  So what it all boils down to is his children are perfectly capable of being out of their own and supporting themselves, but no he'd rather them remain lazy and to depend on him and take advantage of you and your husband and to use both of you, and your husband allows this nonsense.  So this leaves you no choice but to do what you have to do and if you have to do a trial separation then that's what it might have to come to.  Weigh your options and do what's right for you and what makes you happy.  I hope this helps you some.