QuestionQUESTION: My husband recently has evolved over the past year or so to a different person. He's not the same as he use to be. I've been with him for 7 years and he's been so wonderful until lately. He's in love with his job, he's in love with spending time with himself, and so much more. He use to be all about me and spending time with me. Now he'd rather be alone or have time with older men as kind of a guidance/mentor thing. He said it stems from his father never being there for him. From everything he tells me it sounds like he's having problems balancing work, himself, and me. I believe a marriage is a team...you stick together...but he's leaning more towards doing his own thing on his own time without me now. We are now living seperate and he has cut me down to one to two days a week to see me. He says he loves spending time with me he just feels most happy by himself in peace like nature etc. He's almost 30.
ANSWER: Your issue is spending time together. I suggest talking with him to try structuring in the time you want per week, e.g. at least one evening together from getting home from work to bedtime. If you want more, let him know and get an agreement for the days: e.g. Monday, Tuesday, Friday. If he has unresolved issues with an uncaring father, he needs to let go of looking for that and grow up.
For more on issues in marriage including spending time together and also letting go of uncaring parents, see the chapter on couple counseling and also healing childhood loss of parental caring in http://www.amazon.com/Effective-Counseling-Skills-therapeutic-statements/dp/1442
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QUESTION: Thank you for your response. He only allows me one or two days a week and it's the same day every week....he's now living on his own...so that's all i get with him. One day a week is not enough for me and almost like it's too much for him. I don't know what he's up to anymore. I don't know what to do when I want to love someone and they don't love me back or act like they care.
AnswerThere is something going on that he does not want to disclose: having an affair or pursuing gay men. You will have to look for signs of what his secret may be. He is not living apart from you because he loves his job and enjoys time alone.
When you realize there is no relationship there, you will need to grieve and move forward in your life. You also need to discover what attracted you to an unhealthy man so that you do not repeat a pattern.
For more on understanding and healing childhood experiences affecting adult life and relationships with self and others, see http://www.amazon.com/Effective-Counseling-Skills-therapeutic-statements/dp/1442
