QuestionQUESTION: This is really a long story but I am going to summarize it as much as possible. I moved to the east coast about 4 1/2 years ago as a single mother from the Midwest for several reasons. The reasons included job opportunities, a better quality of life for my daugher and I and to possible be in an area where I could settle down with a great husband (my home had slim pickings) - Most importantly, I moved to really break away from a very controlling set of parents. My dad loved my daughter - he stepped into the role of being a father figure - without being asked but was very loving. I didn't mind but he did do things that I disagreed with from a parental standpoint (letting her stay up all times of the night, candy, etc.) I didn't really set the right boundaries for him in the beginning since her father was not in her life - I was never financially dependent on them - matter of fact -as a college grad professional, I did financially well considering I was a single mother. Now my mother controlled me - she criticized what I did, wore, looked like, behavior, etc. She judged me as a mother and a a woman and since I was a little girl, she compared me to her friends' daughters as if they were better. That bothered me for years - but instead of being disrespectful, I chose to move and put distance in between our relationship. Well when I moved there - they agreed to watch my daugther until I got settled - 3 months later - I desparately missed her and was settled - she moved back with me and then 6 months later my parents rented their home - bought a new one in the same city and moved there! Yes, you read that correctly - they moved 6 months later - I didn't think much of it because I figured this would be a new city and they would not be the same in this city - I soon began to date my long distance friend, we got engaged and later married (over a span of 4 years) He treated my daugher like his own - however I was still very hesistant on letting him "replace" my dad - when the time came for his to be a family - my father not only rejected my new husband - a wonderful man and father - but he soon rejected me stating I had chosen this man over him. My mother and my father have not spoken to me in almost 4 months! My mother ran into me at a store and didn't even speak to me because they insist I turn my back on them. I know the bible is very detailed about the responsiblity to let go of the family of origin and cleave to your husband. We are in the process of moving again because the last 4 years have been very hard on us - we have another child - my daughter loves her family but obviously missing her grandparents - my mother has said horrible things about my husband that weren't true and my father only wants my daughter as if she were his. Am I wrong for chosing my husband over my parents and moving away? I love them dearly but I just want peace in my life.
ANSWER: Hi Tonya,
I don't think you were wrong. It sounds like your dad needs to grow up and your mother is probably taking his side to keep peace with him.
The Bible talks about Jesus coming, not to bring peace, but a sword...
"Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword! I came to turn 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.A person's enemies will include members of his own family.The one who loves his father or mother more than me isn't worthy of me, and the one who loves a son or daughter more than me isn't worthy of me." Matthew 10
We are to forsake others and follow the Lord FIRST. That is our first obligation. If the relatives are causing a lot of hassle, then for a season, you may need to stay separated from them.
Tonya, all you can do is follow the Lord and live by His Word. If other people treat you poorly, then that's their issue. The Lord will deal with them. I would suggest sending cards, and trying to be nice as possible. If they do not respond, then you have done all that you can do.
It's unfortunate, but this kind of thing goes on all the time with families. If they were truly filled with the love of God and following His Word, then they wouldn't be acting like this. The way that you can honor them as your parents is to pray for them. Pray that the Lord draws them to Himself. Pray that their hearts would be softened to you and your family. It may take some time, but never stop standing in faith, believing that God will restore your family.
My mother excluded herself from my life until she was 81 and right before she died, she apologized to me for the years that she acted that way. I only got 2 weeks with her before she died, but at least we both had peace in the end....God did answer my prayers. I hope your situation gets corrected much sooner...
Blessings,
Pastor Kim
GodsHealingPower.org
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QUESTION: Thanks Pastor Kim!
I pray for them all the time. They see that I am definitely chosing God's word and trying to live in everyday. My husband and I have grown closer to God and together. He really is a supportive and wonderful man.
My challenge is detaching from what I have been raised to believe. Not many members of my family are married - they believe that no matter what - your family comes first - even over your spouse or your children.
I am really going through a healing process but I do feel like I am doing the best I can. I have sent not only cards but I sent my mother a book of daily scriptures for Mother's day - with no response.
My brother has really gone against me as well and is convinced I need to go over their house and apologize yet again for some - this has been going on for so long and I normally apologize - send flowers or give in in some way.
My question is how to deal with my daughter when she asks for them. They recently just showed up at her school without notifying me. I had just had a conversation with a crying 7 year old as to why her grandparents have chosen not to be in her life - I was furious because they didn't call to notify me - the school called and told me they brought her lunch and told her that we were keeping her away from them. These are not the folks I grew up with! I knew my mother had a little self-dislike going on for how she treated me but my dad's behavior is something new.
How should I handle the conversation with my daughter - she and I both miss them. I am not interested in going back to the way things were - they don't even regard my son because they say "he has a father" - this drives a wedge between the kids and he is only 10 months old. I guess my conscious is getting to me only because of my daugher.
Thanks for anything you can offer - you have already been very helpful.
AnswerHello again,
When they show up at the school and then say you are refusing them visitation, this is going too far. This is really turning into slander.
There comes a time when you have to confront issues and if you read Matthew 18:15-18, this will tell you what you may need to do.
I would just speak positive about them to your daughter and try to keep the avenues open as much as possible for them to see her. If it gets to the point where there are things being said that are just over your limits, you may have to put the breaks on the visits. I really think you all need to sit down with a third party to get this all in the open and to set some boundaries. Read those scriptures I gave you..
Pastor Kim
