Questionhiya,
i have been with my husband for about 4.5 yrs now. i was 19 when i first got married andmy husband is 9 yrs older than me.. but i never really fell in love with him, i just knew that he was a good, honest person who loved me so much and could give me a life full of oppourtunities as he came from a good family and had a quite decent job..so i got married, soon after i started to feel really bored in my marriage, it was a total different thing for me as i also moved in to a different country from my home country.. but that wasnt the problem , soon after i adapted and made lots of friends and started enjoying the current states of my life.only that in my marriage, i was just very bored, even tho my husband was a very nice guy, made everything possible for me to be happy and supported me.. i just felt that there was something missing big time.. we werent very suitable, i was also still growing up as i was only 19 when i got married..he more became a very good friend that i could rely on till the end..
so i started, going out more with my friends, soon after our social lives were totaly seperated..i knew in my heart i wanted excitement, wanted to fall in love, i was still young, but i didnt even know if such thing existed or if this is what life was all about, finding someone good and settle for it....
i was scared, and preety much everything i owned was actually his as well, i had a job never earned much money.. so the house, the car, the bills and most other things were all done by him.so if i left him i know that i was gonna miss out on all these.he wasnt rich but he was quite well off
and i do have to admit in a few occasiaons i have even cheated on him..even had an affair with a few ppl, lasted couple of mnths.i hated it but it used to make me happy..cos i guess another problem was that i wasnt really sexually attracted to my husband.
i finally left him, after 4 yrs. and got my self a room..i thought i was doing well for the first few months..it wasnt easy as he cried so much and he kept calling me preety much everynite asking me how i could do such thing, dont i have a heart , dont i know how much he loves me and all that..i was so upset to hurt him cos i knew he didnt deserve it..
my family turned their back to me for a while they said i was stupid to do such thing what more could i ever look for out there, now my life standrds were a lot lower, and many nights i felt lonely, even tho i didnt miss him as such, i just thought that there was still something missing in my life..plus i never had any support from my family but resentment.. dealing with all that emotional stress all by myself felt quite heavy ..
and i started thinking what if i can never find someone who loves me as much as he does and cares for me as much as he does ...
so there i went back to him again after 4 mnths..it s been about 2 wks now i live with him... it s all the same, i dont love him in a way i should love a husband.. he s very nice to me, but we r just very different, i can hardly find things to talk with him, i guess we r just interested in different things in life...
but i think ijust feel safe here and now i dont have to think about every lettle penny i spend..
so now i keep blaming myself and thinking is something wrong with me that i cant love him, even if i leave him than i start feeling lonely a bit..but i just cannot see myself living with him till the rest of my life...
what do you think is the best thing to do in my case?
thank you very much for your patience..
Siedah (24) UK
AnswerHi Siedah~
You are two totally different ppl to begin with. If you weren't that attracted to him or in love with him when you met and married him,then what's to say you would grow to love him? You probably feel that you are too young to be married and tied down to someone you don't love,but only see as a friend. It's a marriage of convenience,don't you see that? You have him b/c he gives you a home to live in,food on the table,and you aren't lonely b/c he's there to keep you company and entertain you. That's no way to live,to be with someone just b/c of convenience. It's not fair to you nor your husband.
Sure,it's not easy to be alone in this world and to have to scrip and save every penny. But wouldn't you rather be happy on your own,than living a lie like you are married to a man you don't love,and can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with? You deserve to be happy in life,and if you stay in this marriage you probably aren't going to be happy. It's about you,not about what your family,friends or anyone what they think of you. You have to live your life,not them,only you. It's too easy for ppl to sit there and pass judgement on one when they don't know what it's like to walk a mile in your shoes.
You have to do what's right for you,not your husband or your family. It's a decision that you and only you need to make. Probably the sooner the better. It's not easy going through a divorce or separation. It can be lonely at times to be honest. But it does get better,it really does. I'd rather be a little lonely and find Mr Right (whenever that time came),than to be in a marriage that was a sham and a lie. Ultimately you have to do what's right for you,no matter what anyone thinks of your decision.
