QuestionQUESTION: Dear Kiya
I've been married for two years now and we've been together (i.e. living together, etc.) for almost three. Most of the time we haev a very happy time with each other - a lot of laughter, physical affection and caring. But this is occasionally interrupted by these wierd periods of anger and coldness that are leaving me desperate.
I don't want to get into the topics of the most recent one but what I'm really scared and concerned aobut is how to deal with them. Her usual tendency is to descend into what she calls "cold wars", where she withdraws all physical touching and affection, becomes cold and quiet, uninterested in conversation, and generally gives me what I guess is called the "silent treatment." This often goes on for three or four days at a time. I on the other hand have yet to find any mature way of responding and generally decay into a blabbering wreck, having repeated conversations where I swing wildly between pleading, tears and rage with her, and to which she usually responds with a cold stare or slight smile and says "so what exactly do you want me to do? Tell me when to smile and I'll smile", etc., etc. At times at the end of this she also starts crying, but pushes me away and refuses to talk about it. This cycle usually goes on until one day it sort of 'breaks' and she gradually becomes more affectionate again. However for the past few weeks we've gone even deeper into this than normal: the affection has been lasting only a day, then the cold war starts again over something else. And I also have been developing a shorter and shorter fuse so that I start going into my blabbering mode as soon as I see any sign of withdrawal etc. I don't know what to do; I feel like someone is sticking a knife into my chest and draining out everything inside, every time she starts behaving like that.
Countless times I've said to her that the cold wars should stop and we should talk out issues, blah, blah; when we're in a good mood I say it and she laughs a bit; when we're in a fight and I say it, she gives me the cold stare and says "I'm sorry I can't be a puppet like you want me to be. Maybe you should find someone else" etc. She did in fact try for a period of a few months early in this year, and I also tried to not get blabbery whenever she was upset, and we had the happiest three or four months of our relationship. But then it started all over again and it's been downhill, till the last five weeks have been really bad. This morning we had another confrontation where I really flipped and kept demanding that she should tell me what is going on; she told me to "shut up" and slapped me twice, and on the third time I shouted "stop hitting me", whereupon she suddenly collapsed into complete sobs and tears, and now trembles whenever I come close. But she still refuses to say anything at all to me about what she's feeling.
Every web site and thing I've looked up on this says one of these three things: "Ask her to go for counseling", "Go for marriage counseling" or "talk to her about it and if she doesn't listen, leave." None of these work as options. I've suggested counseling (in the context of some other issues she's been facing), and she simply doesn't want to. Not to mention that we simply can't afford counseling (we live in India, where most insurance doesn't cover counseling). As for leaving her, the option has never even crossed my mind, and I can't possibly think of THAT as a solution.
What the hell do I do? Should I not respond so strongly to the cold wars? Should I try to be more "emotionally independent" or some thing? Is it my fault that the cold wars are happening so much? Sorry for such a long message... I just feel like I don't know any more.
ANSWER: Dear Gopal,
You were 100% correct when you asked at the end of your letter, "Should I not respond so strongly to the cold wars?". I think you know this deep down in your heart. Some women love their husband or boyfriend, although they want him to not be affected by her. This sounds to me as if she wants you to become less attached, more independent and to sacrifice less for her. Most women actually prefer the opposite and would love a caring, loving sensitive man to work things out with them. Then there are some women who want to work for their man. They want him to stand up to her, not be affected by her and have fun even if they are in a huge dispute. They want to know that their husband will be fine without them. They often do this since in their minds, they gain respect and attraction for their partner because their partner is strong and self-reliant. The best way to accomplish this, is when a "cold war" arises, in a loving, supportive way, tell her that you will let her have some time to think and that she can let you know when she is ready to talk. Calmly walk away and do something that needs to get done. Make sure you stay away from her as best as you can. Do not bring up the issue that she is mad about, although you can talk to her if the need arises about necessities. Otherwise, I wouldn't say much at all. Make sure that she knows that you are not upset and that you can still have fun or be happy when you are in these predicaments. When she is around and she is mad, just smile with the attitude that you know that this is going to be OK and you will always be together no matter what. This will change the way the fight is handled and eventually you will both learn to fight in a different manner. Be a great role model, teach her how to have an argument and she will learn from you.
Good luck and take care!
Kiya
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Dear Kiya,
Thanks very much for your answer - a lot! I think you were exactly spot on - we did eventually have a talk yesterday (finally!) at which she said that she wanted me to be "big and strong", so to speak. But the context is that for the past year or so she's been essentially unemployed and sinking deeper and deeper into depression, unable to commit herself to anything, not taking work seriously or making much effort to get out again (at times if I didn't intervene she would spend more than a week just at home). I've tried a lot to look for ways for her to get involved again, planning ways for her to get over her sense of not being adequate, etc., but generally she responds positively initially and then drops it as soon as a few days have gone by - whereupon if I try to raise it again, she accuses me of trying to run her life, she can manage on her own, etc. In this context she said she needs me to be strong so that she can feel 'protected' before buliding herself up again. My fear is that this is just one more way of avoiding the risk and pain involved in trying to get out again, so that whta will happen eventually is that she will not do so, feel bitter and frustrated, turn it on me and blame me saying I didn't do my job of being 'big and strong' so she failed again.... etc., etc.
So despite this momentary thing being resolved I'm still at a loss... not sure even if I am more of a 'strong man', will that help at all?
Thanks so much again for your help
AnswerDear Gopal,
Forgive me for not realizing that she was under this much depression. It sounds as if she is depending on you to get her through this. Your right; this is something that she must be willing to do for herself and she must come to realize that she must take responsibility for her own actions, attitude, behaviors and ways in handling issues. You can be there to support her, although no person can actually heal another without that person's will to get better. This must be explained to her, if you have not already done so, so that she knows that the healing must come from within. Then, you should make a doctors appointment for her with her general care doctor. He can do a full physical, including a complete hormone work-up. This hormone panel consists of one easy blood test that can reveal all possible complications that women have with their hormones. Hormonal problems are one of the most frequent issues among women and they can have all sorts of effects on your body. They can make you depressed along with numerous other symptoms. It is always wise to get checked during your physical throughout the years. You may want to go with her, so that you can ask questions as well. The next thing to do is to try and get her enthusiastic about some sort of exercise, such as walking, biking, hiking, swimming, running, basketball, volleyball, etc. Do something that you both enjoy and always do it together. This will bring you closer together emotionally and it will give you strength and a sense of well being. Start off slow and then gradually work yourself up to 2 or 3 times a week and eventually even more. Another tactic, would be to get her interested in a hobby or volunteer time that will help others. People who help other people feel better about themselves because it feels good to help out. She will gain self esteem and she will shift the focus to someone else other than herself. This would be fun for the both of you to do together as well. Also, try to get her out and about. Take her out to dinner, a movie, museum, aquarium, shopping, out for coffee, a bookstore or out with friends. Have family and friends surround her. Surprise her and do something special for her. Find out what her passion is. A passion is something that she loves doing so much that she would do it all day long, everyday if she could. Once you figure out what her passion is, bring it into her life. For example, if she loves to paint, find painting supplies and ask her to paint you something. If she loves animals, give your time to an animal shelter. If she loves singing, find her an audition for a musical that she can be in. You may not even know her true passion. You may have to ask her. She may surprise you. When you find what it is, immerse her in everything about it. Do research on it and find a way that she could bring it into her life everyday of her life. If all else fails and lots of time goes by without recovery, ask her doctor about medication for depression. Eventually things will look up. You are doing a great job helping her out and hanging in there for her. She is lucky to have you.
Kiya
