QuestionI'm writing in, not about my own marriage, but my parents.
I'm 43 years old, my husband's 44, and we've got a 17-year-old daughter. We live in the West Midlands in the United Kingdom.
A very close friend of mine came round to my house last week and said she had something to tell me. She's a very close friend, I can trust her a lot with things, and she does the same with me.
I asked her what it was, and she told me that she was having a quiet drink with her partner [they're not married] at a local bar one night, when she spotted two familiar figures - my daughter (who's 17) and my dad.
She told me she'd seen them kissing and flirting with one another, and she said she was disgusted by their behaviour.
She'd also said to me about how my daughter looked pregnant too.
What she told me next shocked me... apparently she'd overheard them saying they were going to have a baby soon and that they'd been saying how "hot" this affair was.
I thanked her for this information, and the day after, I confronted both my husband and daughter (separately).
I asked my daughter why she was doing this, in a sensitive and respectful manner, and she said she could date who she like. She told me she's pregnant, although she doesn't know if it's by my dad or her boyfriend. I knew my daughter was getting slightly large, but thought it was just that she had a big appetite.
She insisted I couldn't stop her from getting together with him or (even) moving in with him.
I said to her that this relationship was morally, and probably legally, unacceptable and warned her how risky it was but said to her I'd be speaking to her dad about this (her dad is her biological dad, not a stepdad, btw, so the father figure theory can be ruled out.).
I didn't express my disgust - but I'm shocked that my daughter and my father could even think of doing such a thing.
I can't understand it either - they had a normal grandfather-granddaughter relationship up until now so what made them do this??
The day after, I spoke to my dad whilst my mum was out at work (she works in a charity shop) and asked him why he was doing this to my mum. He told me that my daughter did all the flirting, and it was nice to have a bit of attention, he said no at first, but then couldn't resist and said that I couldn't stop him.
He said if he wants to, he will continue with this relationship, and no-one will stop them.
Then, I spoke to my mum that same night, when my dad had gone down the pub, and told her about this, and she started crying, but said she didn't know what to do.
Now me and my mum have no idea how to handle this - the situation is just weird, plain weird. I mean, my daughter and my dad together? Just weird and it's stressing me out.
I asked my husband for this thoughts on this - and he said our daughter will be 18 in a matter of months, so stopping her doing this will be ineffectual. He told me he was being realistic about this.
I don't know how to cope with this. I've taken to over-eating and drinking in an attempt to cope with the situation.
I thought about counselling, but would it work in a situation like this?
I feel like I'm trapped in a vicious circle, with no way out, and would appreciate advice on dealing with this sensitive situation.
Thanks,
Joanne
AnswerHi Joanne~
What they are doing is called "incest" and yes it's illegal. I don't know what the legal age of consent is in the UK, but in most states here in the US (where I'm from) it's 17 and 18 (the latter for sure). In some states the parents can press charges on the adult for incest and sleeping with a minor (again depending on UK law over there, as our state laws in the US vary greatly from state to state, but you can certainly check into it). Sure, maybe they are right and you legally can't do anything about it, as they will continue to do as they wish b/c they are foolish and have major issues for doing this to begin with. Have you asked either of them how long this affair has been going on (and it is an affair b/c your father is a married man)? This might explain how long this has been going on. And if you can or even want to press charges on him. I mean if he'll do this to his own granddaughter, he'll do it to someone younger if given the chance.
This is just a really disturbing situation for everyone involved, particularly you and your mother, and I can't even begin to imagine how traumatic this is for for you and your mom too. You really should seek some counseling b/c you're now going to have a grandchild that could possibly even be a half brother/sister. How does one come to terms with something of this nature, and you're very right, it's a very sensitive and also embarrassing situation. You have to remember though that this isn't your fault. They were the ones that made the decision to sleep together and become involved with one another. I'd strongly urge you to seek some therapy for yourself, it will help you in order to cope and deal with all of this. So by all means please go. By trying to drink and eat this situation away isn't going to help you drown your sorrows, it will only make things way much worse than they currently are. Not to mention over eating is very bad for you health wise, and drinking isn't good option either. You need someone to talk to about this and to help you through all this, so that you know that you're not alone and you don't have to carry this shameful burden by yourself. And, yes, counseling is a great way to help you through rough times in life. I've been and it was an enormous help for me. It's good to get your thoughts and feelings out and to have someone to talk and vent to. Go!
This isn't an impossible or hopeless situation to get through, although I'm sure it seems like it right now to you. You can and will get through this. I hope this helps you some.
