QuestionKiya,
I've been married for close to 6 years now. I am also an introvert. However, in private, I am very open with my wife. My demeanor at family gatherings has always been sullen. Going into our relationship, my wife noted this about me early on and simply dismissed it. Irregardless of whether the family gathering involved my or her family, my demeanor has been consistent.
Over the past few years, this demeanor has irritated her and she has pleaded with me to change. This is a source of conflict between us. When I've asked her to help me, her response has been that I am an adult and should have the capacity to recognize when my body language is reflecting a negative expression. In her words, she "wants to show me off to her family, but my demeanor negates every effort she makes to paint me in a positive light."
We are constantly bickering because of this character flaw, so much so, that it's led to talks of a divorce. Marriage counseling has not helped either, because she feels that it is not her duty to act as a mother to me in my attempt to correct my character flaw. I suppose that my question is, while I can seek help for this flaw, is it truly my sole responsibility, as husband, to fix this problem on my own in order to save my marriage?
What's also troubling to me is that she cites mostly joy in our marriage outside of these gatherings. Her only other criticism of me as husband, is that I'm not very meticulous when performing tasks/chores she asks of me, although this is also a flaw that is prevalent in other aspects of my life outside of marriage.
AnswerDear Roger,
One of the ways that a partner gains respect for their significant other is to gain respect and liking from that other's parents, friends, family members, co-workers, business associates, acquaintances, etc. This is why it upsets so many people in relationships that want to impress and become as one within an unknown, basically stranger's, family unit with the person that they would like to eventually marry. Many become so obsessed with their partner's family, they can hardly keep focus on the intermediate relationship that is of most concern. This may be why your wife is irritated or upset; due to your concentration not fully on her family, in which she considers a part of her and actually takes it as hard as it being her. She may be feeling that you are not trying hard enough with her(due to lack of family member attention), which in turn makes her feel that you do not care or love her enough to make effort with her family. In order to have a successful marriage, it would be great to put on a happy face while you are with any family at all. You are lucky to be able to have such great comments above and beyond this hindrance. Chores at home are something any marriage could overcome, and to me seems the least of your worries. Every couple that I have ever met has had to in one way or another make a change, an effort, a positive impact on someone in their significant other's life. If we did not want to make our partners happy, and we know that we will make them happy by contributing most to the one's that they love, then we will not be looked at the same way that most will be looked upon. If one does not make effort, it may look as though they do not care or they do not want to be a part of any relationship outside the home that is made for the two of you. Sometimes, we have to put on that happy face and just do the things that we truly do not want to do, in order to stay respected by the one who loves you and to keep good amends with those that may help you out one day, just like when you were glad enough to help them when they needed it. One of the best ways to become less introverted and more extroverted (many have changed easily within a few months), is to get out and talk to as many people as you can. I used to be a huge introvert and one day found that if I let my feelings out, people will become more understanding of who and how I relate. Little by little, people started to find out that I was very nice but just plain shy, so I did not talk very much and also had a stand-offish demeanor. I was always polite and nice, so as long as you are polite and nice, then there is not a need for your wife to be upset. Of course, as human beings, we all learn to be nice and helpful to one another. If someone is not wanting a good will towards all people, then respect is lost and they most likely do not want to be involved, such as scrooge and the 3 ghosts during Christmas. If we all are giving of ourselves and donate, volunteer, express, share or help our fellow people here on the earth we live on, then we can give gratitude and thanks toward ourselves which will in turn always, without a doubt, send the righteousness back into our lives.
Take care,
Kiya
