QuestionHello, thank you for reading. I am having problems controlling my mouth. When I get angry with my husband I scream and yell and have even used some pretty bad language. I feel terrible but it is like I can not control my anger. I did grow up in a house where fighting was very normal, maybe daily.
I feel like when I yell it is because I can not control the situation or that he doesn't hear me at all about certain things.
My husband works out of town 4-5 days most weeks and I am home alone with 3 children. I also work a full time job and have to do everything to take care of the house. If I make my husband a specific list he will usually do it but does not take the initiative to do things withou being told. He rarely helps me around the house and has never paid a bill. It is very frustrating sometimes.
Also I have encouraged him since we have been married to work on a relationship with my son (he was 9 when we got married) my husband will admit that he hasn't done much to create a relationship. My son is 14 now and I am afraid it will soon be too late. I ask my husband to please try and do things with him and he says okay but then does nothing. I have bought books, the last of which he picked out himself but he has not read any of them. When I ask him why he says "I don't know". I am so frustrated with the whole situation that when something puts me at my breaking point I completely loose it. Please help me decide what to do.
AnswerHi Janet - Well, we have several issues here so let's take them one at a time.
1. Your screaming. This may sound a little odd but there is something you can do to help put your mind at ease. Once a day, I'd like you to meditate for three to five minutes. That's it. Just sit down or lay down somewhere quiet, and be so still and quiet that you can hear your own heartbeat. It is a powerful outlet for focusing yourself on control. It works!
2. Your husbands' help. Share with him how it makes you feel when he does not take any initiative to help you. Something like, "I appreciate it when you do the things I list but, when you don't take any initiative to do anything beyond that, it makes me feel ....". He needs to understand how his action (or lack of it) impacts you and therefore, the marriage. Stay very calm.
3. His relationship with your teenage boy. There is not much you can to fertilize that relationship. The most powerful and productive thing you can do will be to thank and compliment him when he does do something with the boy. People respond much more powerfully to positive reinforcement as opposed to negative criticism. So, just go out of your way to compliment the slightest effort on his part. You should begin to see some results from that.
I hope this helps. If you want to chat further, please just write a followup and we can discuss other approaches if these do not work.
Good luck and God bless,
David
