QuestionMy husband and I have a beautiful 18 mo old daughter and are currently having issues over a number of topics. We relocated to CO about 5 years ago for me to get a Masters, while I did work part time my husband worked full time at jobs he did not like to support us. I promised to make a certain amount of money after I graduated which pretty much coincided with the birth of our daughter. Unfortunately the amount I had been hoping to make is not attainable at this stage of my career and has caused serious troubles in our relationship. Our original thinking was that I would make the money and he could finally turn his attention to himself and work towards his own career while taking care of our child. We had decided before she was born not to do full time day care and possibly do minimal partime after she was 2 or 3. We are currently struggling money wise and he is unable to pursue his own interests and won't accept we may need to adjust our lives right now to make it through this tough time. He calls numerous time almost everyday to remind me how much I lied and how all of this is my fault bacause of bringing us here and setting his hopes to high. While I feel some of this is warranted, I think we need to move on and try to figure out what we can do to help our situation, but it's tough with no extra money to really start up anything or cover daycare costs if he had to work. He is adamant he will mot work nights or weekends. He spends most of his weekends fishing (which is where his career interests are). There are also other problems we have had for quite some time in the realm of sex. I have a prudish tendency, but have worked to overcome it with some success. Lately though it had been difficult, he is very depressed about the situation and it hard to wrangle up the spark for someone who doesn't seem to care, or tells me frequently how much I have let him down. I know there must be a want to stay together or we would have fallen apart long ago, I just don't know how to move on when it all seems to come back to bad decisions and broken promises I have made.
Thanks for any input you can provide.
AnswerHi Jamey~
You may not like to hear what I'm going to tell you, but I'm going to say it anyway. He has to realize that for now your plans to do this just aren't working out. And he needs to do what's best for the family and stop being selfish and thinking only of himself and his wants and needs. When you get married and have children you stop thinking of yourself and you put your family and children first. If that means he has to put his dreams on hold for a little while longer, then so be it. He has to do what's best interest for the family, and that means for him to get a job and help with financial obligations for now.
He's acting childish and being selfish when he's putting the blame on you and trying to make you feel guilty. And honestly, that's not fair to you at all. I can understand that he's upset and hurt that he can't do this right now. And even that he's getting discouraged. But the way he's acting right on isn't the answer to getting what he wants. He has to work with you not against you.
You need to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know exactly how this is affecting you. And you need to tell him what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. Perhaps you can come up with some sort of compromise to work your differences out.
The point here is that he has to work with not against you (as I already mentioned). Marriage is a constant work in progress. He has to be willing to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work, not fight you tooth and nail and tell you every day how you've just crushed his hopes and dreams. That's getting the marriage no where and fast. Something has to give or it's only going to get that much worse as time goes on.
You have to draw the line somewhere. And tell him that even though him, you will not tolerate being treated with disrespect.
