QuestionQUESTION: Hello
This is my story, as catastrophic as it seems :
I am a 40 years old divorced, and so he is. We met and got together a year and something ago, and although we have a strong physical attraction, tender feelings and a lot of things in common (we share many tastes and laugh very often), he's been freaking out a couple of times and left me. Each time he came back, knowing I could forgive, we talked and decided we would improve this relationship by a constant dialogue, never letting a doubt unspoken. He happens to be someone whose failure in marriage seems to be unbearable. Always says 'I hurt my children, I've been messing so much'. I told him he had a chance not to repeat the same mistakes again and again, that he was not doomed, as he is a very good man with lots of qualities, bright and sensitive.
Recently, HE decided he had to change his attitude and be more positive about life and love. So he committed to me, in some kind of way. Sure, I never got the ring he promised, but he introduced me and my daughter to his kids, which I believe was a big step for him. We spent summer holidays all together, and it was so wonderful. We were a new family, loving each other and having great fun.
And then it was me fearing he would leave me again. I've been thinking all this over and over, and the fact that I didn't know any of his relatives or friends, that he was promising but never DOING anything further, well I felt like maybe he was not that sure about us. Things were not going as fast as I wanted. I felt I had every right to be scared. After all, he had left so many times. Basically, I'm not that kind of person, I'm very optimistic, but what we went through had made me doubtful and suspicious.
A week ago, we were spending the evening together, as usual, and I had a couple of drinks, which made me very talkative and probably too honest (though I don't think we can never be too honest !!!). My fear by then became obvious, through the things I was saying and the questions I was asking. As we were going to go to sleep, all of a sudden he left, without a word except 'I feel like it'. I let him go. Next day, he sent me a text (yes ! yes ! that's how it happened !) saying it was over between us, and goodbye. I was astonished. How could he ??? Especially this way, without an explanation, without a face to face ??? I cried a lot of course, and my daughter too, because she was fond of him and persuaded he would never leave when things were going so well between us.
He would never talk to me, but he agreed to meet my girl. Told her that he loved me, but he felt that was not enough, and that he couldn't cope with my fear of being abandoned.
This is unfair. For a whole year I have been the one who was holding the whole situation, reassuring him from time to time when he needed it.
Now I am asking you for a wise advice : what am I supposed to do ?? I love him, he loves me. How can I stop him from wasting such great opportunity of happiness ?
Thank you in advance for your answer, and thank you for reading me. I'm sorry if I made some mistakes here in writing but I'm french ;-)
ANSWER: Hi Kay~
What do you want to do? Why do you want to keep wasting your life with a man that keeps running away from you and your daughter? What kind of relationship is that for you to be in? Not much of a relationship if I'm being completely honest here with you. And maybe you're right it's a complete waste of time. You can't keep living like this and he can't expect you to wait around for him to decide to come back to you, it is very unfair to you and your daughter by him treating you both in this manner. You don't have to take this anymore. See, sometimes a person can only take so much before they break. The question here is when is your breaking point? How much longer are you going to put up with this before you finally say, NO MORE?! He's playing mind games with you, can't you see that? He's doing this b/c you're allowing him to do so. So, of course, these games are going to continue. He'll probably want to come back to you before you know it. He'll ask you to forgive him, to take him back, and chances are very good that you will. When is this vicious cycle going to end? When you are going to realize that you deserve way better than this? He can't make you feel inferior w/o your permission. You have to draw the line somewhere, and explain to him that no matter how much you love and miss him, you can't keep doing this. And that you will no longer tolerate this behavior and treatment one moment longer.
Sometimes we have to do things in life that we don't want to do. Including leaving and not being with someone that can't give the love, care, attention, affection and even attraction that we deserve as a human being. He's taking full advantage of your kindness and love for him. This has got to stop, period. You have to find the inner strength to tell him you're not longer going to be his doormat and he can't and won't treat you this way any longer. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make. Sometimes love just isn't enough to stay with someone and to endure what they put you through. He has to be the one that wants to change and to improve himself, not b/c you want or insist that he change. You can't make him do something refuses or isn't ready to do. So while you can't control how he acts, you do control how you react to him (and others as well). We teach a person how to treat us in life. I know this probably isn't what you want to really hear, but I feel compelled to be completely honest with you about how bleak the chances are of him actually changing and doing it for the better of the relationship. I hope this helps you some.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: All right, your answer makes it clear that I shoud not hope anything good from my boyfriend in the future, but it also brings to my mind that I forgot to mention a thing or two in my previous message, and I'm sorry about that because I understand your time is precious and many people are in need of your help.
So let me just add these few informations, and then you will provide me another opinion (or not!) :
- it is true that I've been feeling insecure lately, given the difficulties I encountered to bring him to a committment, nevertheless he gave our relationship a real increase when he chose to let us gather as a family, and I think I should have taken this as an evidence he was - at last - feeling secure himself (as far as his kids are the most important to him, wich is totally normal) ;
- I like myself a lot, I know I'm a good person with loads of patience when needed, he could not make me underestimate myself more than a few minutes (thanks God) ;
- according to my daughter (who saw him a few days ago) and to my past experience with him (we've been talking a lot about "how he feels and acts when he breaks up") he is currently devastated, probably not in the same way that I am but the fact is that he is not at ease, not at all ;
- he is definitely not the kind of guy who plays mind tricks on others, but he sure plays them on himself (self-depreciation is his thing) ; this I can tell because my ex-husband used to play mind tricks on me, thus I know by now how to acknowledge this particular behavior ;
Point is, I may need help dealing with this fear of being abandoned again, but I'm aware (though he may not be) he needs help too, that is to say that since his first marriage ended by a divorce he is persuaded he cannot make a woman happy, and this is so pessimistic and far from reality!
As a conclusion, I'd say we both lack self-confidence from time to time, and when it happens that we feel bad at the same time it's all going wrong.
Question is : how can we take a brand new start from now? Since he wouldn't talk to me nor even read my emails right now, how can I make this work out? We're obviously the happiest couple in the world, and at the same time the most complicated one!
Again, thank you for reading.
AnswerHi again Kay~
He can't keep running away from his problems when he feels he can't cope with them or if something upsets him. Your problems will not go away unless/until you face them, running away and leaving when it becomes too much for him only prolongs things and makes things more complicated than before. The point is he leaves and comes back b/c you allow it. There has to come a time and point where you say no more, and you can't keep going through all this. He has to be a willing participant to work through whatever issues come your way, not flee and come back knowing that you'll always be there to forgive and take him back. That's not the way normal relationship work and it's unhealthy for him to run and avoid working through problems or issues or anything of that nature that arise along the way in life.
But to answer your question on how to make a new start. He has to be willing to do something about it, and agree that when going gets tough the tough doesn't run him out of the house and away from you. As a couple you're supposed to be a team and work those these things together as a "team." It's good when a person has a good support system in place and has a soft place to fall when the world feels like it's closing in on you, we all need that. We all need encouragement and love and affection from those we love. He has to realize that you are not his ex-wife, nor are you like her. You are there to love and support him in his time of need, not for him to drop everything and for him to run away from when things become overwhelming to him. We all have our moments in life like this, but it's not convenient for everyone to run off when it all becomes too much. You know?
By him avoiding you he's not doing himself or you any favors. He should respect you enough to say, "look, I need a little time to myself to clear my head, I'm going to go for a walk, get out of the house and calm down and to collect my thoughts, then when I come back we can work on this issue/problem together and figure out our best option to work out our differences, etc." Not, I have to leave, I can't talk to you anymore, I need to be by myself and I'll come back when I'm ready to deal with everything, whenever that time is. He has to consider your thoughts and feelings too, b/c it's not just all about him when he's in a relationship with you or anyone else. You don't do this to him, so he should give you the same respect and courtesy (I'm not judging him or saying he's a bad guy or anything, just that his actions aren't the best way to cope and deal with all that comes his way in life). My point is you can't make this work if he's not willing to let you in and to help him deal with all that he's going through. You have an issue with learning how to communicate properly with each other. I realize that not everyone is so forth coming and easy to get their thoughts and feelings out, it takes time, effort and energy to do that. But with some practice and support from you maybe he can get past this. It's his choice to make though and no one else's.
You have to make it crystal clear to him what you need from him and then he needs to deliver or at least put forth that effort and show you he's trying his best. This can't keep happening or it's only going to keep happening and before you know it you're right back where you started with the same things happening over and over again. Hence why I said it's a never ending vicious cycle. With you trying to help him and him not wanting to face whatever he's going through or whatever is bothering him at that moment. HE has to want it just as much as you do. That's the key here. Talking is a good start, by sharing with each other how you're feeling on a regular basis. Once you get into the habit of communicating better, things will fall into place and it'll become second nature to both of you.
