QuestionMy husband is a complete control person. I can do nothing, buy nothing, without his approval or I get so much static. At this late date (38 years) how do I go about feeling happy about being married? He will not talk about this. He is happy and just assumes I am although I suffer from clinical depression.
AnswerDear Doris,
First let me say that you are not alone in your experience. There is help and there are options. Here are a few places to start.
1. You may want to see, if you are not already, a therapist. A trained therapist or counselor can help you decide how to help you through your depression and offer ways to reconnect with your spouse. Often spouses assume how the other feels and they just keep going forward. This is a mistake in so many marriages and causes a lot of heartache.
2. If you think you are strong enough now, or met with a counselor first, try speaking to your spouse about what you are feeling. They are your spouse, and as your spouse who loves and cares for you, they should be open to hearing your concerns, fears, hopes and expectations. If you have said nothing of your depression or unhappiness in the past be ready for a shocked looked and defense tone but with the help of a counselor perhaps both of you can work through this.
3. By writing this email question you are signaling a need for change and a frustration. Sometimes (many times)
people do not know how to improve a situation because they are in it. You can not force yourself to be happy. What you can do is take action to make the situation better.
4. There are counselors (aamft.org) and marriage retreats (www.smartmarriages.com) that can help you through this. Often marriages take on a whole new journey when two spouses tackle and emotional/ relationship issue. You have your issues, he has his, it's time to get them out in the open and help each other build a stronger marriage. Some books that may help you are: "12 Hours to a Great Marriage" by Howard Markeman and others, "World Class Marriage" by Howell/ Jones.
5. Let me say that if you feel for your emotional safety and physical safety if you were to address your feelings with your spouse then I would recommend that you speak with a counselor first on how to approach him.
6. It's never to late to be happy, feel valued and change for the better. Every individual is JUST as important as another. You are no less valuable or important than your spouse. Listen to yourself and take a step forward.
I hope this helps.
