QuestionI'm 27 and my husband is 28. We've been together 5 years and married 2 of those years. We split about a month ago with plans to divorce but no paperwork started. He's starting the process to sell our house that we moved into 1 week after getting married. We have no children.
We've had a great friendship together, but not much of a "marriage". My husband spends all his time at the office (9 am to sometimes 2+ am) playing computer games. Or if he's not at the office he's at the bar with his friends until close. When he is home, he sits and plays games and won't sit on the couch with me and watch tv or go out. If we do go out, he would call his friends to join us and not understand why I wanted to go out alone. All the years we've been together, even when we do go out of town alone or out to dinner by ourselves, he is on his phone talking to his friends. He's always made me feel like he doesn't know who I am or how to talk to me. And intimacy has been an issue for the last 4 years. He's not "in the mood" even if I intiate or put on something "sexy." Even when we take weekend vacations to spark things up, sometimes all we do is lay in the hotel room and watch tv or sit at the bar and talk to people the entire trip. We have gone to hotels on the beach and have not even gone to the beach!
His parents are still married, but stayed together for the children and I wonder if this is the reasons behind his personality/behavior. He says he's always been this way and that it has ended a lot of his previous relationships. In the beginning the relationships are normal, but when he gets close that's when he gets distant. When we were splitting up last month I asked him for the millionith time if he would get counseling or try changing. Not big changes, just spend more time with me, come home earlier so we can have dinner, etc. He said no to both requests. He said he'll never have another serious relationship so that he won't hurt a person like he's hurt me.
I also need to admit that a week before we split I did have an affair and told my husband. My husband was not angry because he says that he has been neglecting me and he understands why it happened. Its not okay that it happened, but he understood the reasons behind it. The guy I had the affair with also spoke to my husband and apologized. They were aquaintances through mutual people at work. However, me and this other person did continue seeing each other for 2 more weeks after me and my husband split. This did make my husband understandably angry. I continued seeing this person because I have felt lonely and neglected for so long and someone actually enjoyed my company and wanted to see me. The relationship was not only about intimacy, we spent time talking and going out to dinner, etc. Things that I've felt have been missing in my marriage. I haven't spoken to this person for 2 weeks, but would consider continuing to see him if he was interested.
But I feel like I gave up on my marriage. I feel like my reasons for leaving were petty and that I should have stayed because lack of attention isn't a justified reason for leaving. My husband's friends say I made the right choice and that they were surprised we even got married since he treated me like this before the wedding. I'm not a very social person so after work I didn't go out with people and spent the last 2 years sitting on the couch waiting for my husband to come home. I was also afraid to go out with people because of exactly what happened - I met someone who made me feel special and I acted inappropriately. Is there any hope we could get back together or am I just afraid of the future and am grasping to keep a marriage together that was doomed anyway? Did I make the right choice for me or should I have stayed and tried to help my husband change?
AnswerHi Kori~
Some ppl just weren't meant to be married, as they aren't the marrying type. And it sounds as though your husband is exactly one of these ppl. That's not necessarily a bad thing either. It depends on the individual too.
Honestly there doesn't sound like there's any hope for the marriage. You did do the right thing. A person can't feel unloved and have no attention paid to them, and expect for there not to be a problem in the marriage. Marriage is a constant work in progress.
If your husband refuses to change, then you can't make him change. He has to want to change himself. It's unfortunate that this happened. But there's not much you can really do now. You tried to get him involved with you and to go out and do things as a couple to no avail. He's more interested in himself and his friends.
You have to do what's right for you and what makes you happy.
