QuestionDear Mrs. French,
I am a 26 year old woman, with two children ages 6 and 3 1/2 yrs. My boyfriend, Jake is a 31 year old man with a 6 year old son. My boyfriend is a police officer and I am a manager in a restaurant. We both earn decent salaries, and split our expenses equally between us.
Jake has never been married. I am divorced. We have been dating for 2 years and living together with our children for the past year.
I feel like we have come to a point in our relationship to get married, or at minimum committ to marriage. I have brought it up on a couple of occasions, and was told that he is not ready. I love this man, though not perfect, I believe he is about as perfect as they come as a partner. He is kind, and intelligent, articulate, romantic, sensitive yet strong and self assured, a hard worker, funny,....I could go on and on. I know too that he could compile a list even longer with the reasons he loves me too. Jake tells me he loves me. That he is committed to me for life, and I know that what he says is true.I feel like we are living a life as though married. We have "married" our families, and to end our relationship would be nothing less than "divorce" to the children. I feel like I am being taken advantage of living together, but being unmarried. He refuses to have an open dialogue about marriage or come to any sort of agreement regarding a timeline. He says we will get married eventually, but "to be honest" he just hasn't given it any thought." are his words. I feel like I am "giving the milk for free" and he doesn't have to buy the whole cow. I don't in any way want to leave the relationship, but I am unwilling to continue on this way for much longer. I feel like if he can't decide whether he wants to marry me after 2 years than he's never going to decide. What the heck are we waiting for? We are the love of each others lives. Should I just keep my mouth shut and hope for a proposal? Should I move out and tell him that I want to continue our relationship, but maintain some boundaries until he is ready to committ to marriage? What do I do? He balks at going to see a counselor. I am at a loss as to how to proceed with this issue. If you could give me some advice, it would be much appreciated.
Thank-you,
Kristen
AnswerKristen,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com I hope that I can assist you with your question.
I have been where you are right now, sort of, so I understsand your feelings.
Marriage is a touchy subject with a lot of people. To you, it means entirely different things than it does to your boyfriend.
Getting married seems to be a great deal more important to women than to men. A lot of that has to do with pressures that society has placed upon us. Whether we care to admit it or not, being married shows the world that someone out there thought that you were "worthy" to marry. It is a badge of honor, so to speak that you are a good, loving, caring woman - so much so that someone was willing to commit to loving you forever.
Being married also gives a woman status in the community. Even in this 21st century that we live in, believe it or not, it gives us value. It may sound silly but it's true.
Essentially, what you are saying to your boyfriend is that you want that. You want the respect and value that goes along with being married. It is not an unreasonable request.
Now that we have examined your motives, let's examine Jakes.
First of all, he is a cop. And cops are infinitely aware of their life is somewhat precarious. Perhaps your boyfriend has known a family of a policeman that was killed and how hard it was for them. Maybe he thinks that if he doesn't marry you, then if he is killed, you won't have to go through all that. (Yes, I know that is silly, but that is how some men think).
Then there is the other issue.
The "why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free".
Here is my advice to you.
Kristen, you have two choices. You can accept things the way they are - and the way that they are likely to remain. You can accept that your boyfriend loves you and that you have a wonderful relationship and life together (which is, by the way, much more than A LOT of married people have). Or you can gamble big time. You can tell Jake that unless you get married by a certain date, that you are walking out that door and not coming back. Then - Kristen - you have to be true to your word.
Decide for yourself if being married is THAT important to you. If being Mrs. Somebody is worth the possibility of losing a man that you really love If it is, then hold you head up high and be true to THAT. But if it is not, then accept the life you have and stop pressuring him to marry you.
By the way, in many states commonlaw marriages are very legal and quite common. Essentially, if you "hold yourself out" to be married, tell people you are married, act married, sign documents together as married people, etc., etc., then in the eyes of the law you are married. Period. This could be important to you if something DID happen to him. After all, you want to be able to provide for your children with any compensation that would be due you. I suggest that you think about this as an option to the whole "ring and preacher" ceremony. Google it or maybe even talk with a family law attorney about your rights as a common law wife. It might be a compromise that both of you can live with.
Best of luck,
R.M. French
