QuestionDear Kiya,
My Spouse (Wife) appears to be keeping a Mental record or a log of minor events that occured 10 - 25 years ago. Here are examples:
#1. Recently she told a Psychiatrist (2000)I was stealing from stores because I took one item worth 50 cents in 1975. She also told him I stealing from restaurants (Leaving him the impression I stealing Silverware, Ashtrays, etc). Between the years 1971 to 1995 ,,, I may have taken approx 6 packets of sugars worth approx 1 cent. Yet, she is willing to tell a Psychiatrist I am a thief because of such minor incidents that occured approx 20 years earlier.(She wants to leave the impression this is ongoing to
justify her accusation I stole money from her brother's home around 1990. (Did a theft occur at her brother's home --- It certaintly did --- IN HER ACCUSING MIND ONLY)..
She also told him She had to pay me baby sitting fees to babysit the kids when she went to work. Did she --- Once again -- IN HER MIND ONLY. (Aroung 1982 or 1983 she was going to work. We had a minor argument in the morning. since I was still upset I spoke the words "I suggest you get someone to babysit the kids tonight, I am going out" She replied with the words "I guess I'll have to pay you babysitting sitting fees". I don't know if I answered such a lucridious comment. Cooler heads prevailed & I stated "I'll babysit the kids, Go to work, I'm just a little upset". Approx 22 years later she thinks & believes she actually had to pay me babysitting fees so that she could go to work. Let me put it this way "I NEVER HINTED OR ASKED FOR ANY SUCH FEES -- I COULD NEVER STOOP SO LOW. She told someone lately that she did. Did she pay me such fees --- IN HER MIND ONLY --- It never occured in real life.(She calls payment of fees that never occurred-- ABUSE IS it normal for someone to maintain in her mind such petty & in some cases Events that never occured ???? If you need any more details, please ask....
James
AnswerDear James,
Most women do not forget a thing that their spouses have done for many years prior. Many of them, after years of being together, somewhat forget what happened for the most part and end up exaggerating because the feeling when this occurred was difficult. They tag some extra words on it and make it sound truly convincing so that they have a case behind them. They do not realize that they are actually detrimenting the relationship when they handle it in this manner. Women do not really want to bring this up to cause conflict and be miserable; even though it sure sounds like it sometimes. What they are truly asking for is if the man still wants to be there. I know this sounds crazy, but what they want to hear is words of affection, love and passion. Women sometimes test their men to see how much he can take and how much he loves his significant other. If he can take more than a handful, the woman will give him the respect that he earns. If he can love even though he is being condemned, the woman will in turn know that he is there for the long run and she will eventually love him back with an even stronger deeper love than before.
This most likely has nothing to do with the stealing or babysitting from years ago. Most likely this is due to small things that have been building up between the two of you. This is extremely normal and the best cure for this is to put the hurt and resentment behind both of you, and to put a huge amount of love forward. This will take patience and unconditional love for up to a few months sometimes to get what you want back, but it has never failed when one plays their cards right. A good book to get so one can better understand these issues is, "Hidden Keys of a Loving, Lasting Marriage", by Gary Smalley. You should read it first, and then when it is the right time, let your wife read it.
Good luck and write back if you need!
Kiya
