QuestionI wanted to write to you and ask you about something concerning the relationship that I have with this girl. I am 34... my girlfriend is 24. We have had a long distance relationship for the past three years. On our trip to the beach together last summer, we talked about me trying to get a job teaching in the area where she lives. She lives about 35 minutes south of Louisville, Kentucky. I live near Bristol, Tennessee. At the minimum we are 3 hours 45 minutes apart. I work as a teacher / hs basketball coach. She works as a hairdresser. Since last August, I have been putting in applications in many different counties in order to try and obtain a teaching position up there where she lives. She has said that she wants to live up there and that for this to work... I would have to get a job up there. I told her that I would do my very best to try and get one. Our relationship has been one that has been great. We both are of the same faith, we both have wanted to marry and have a Christian home...and before we get off the phone some nights, I will pray for the both of us. We recently had a falling out with each other in discussing our future life together. We have been planning on having a beach wedding in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Here recently, things have become strained between us only because I'd just talk about the future and what lies ahead. I told her that I've been trying to think about what jobs I could do up there if for some reason a teaching position does not come open. She said, "well.. dont ask me thats your damn problem." I was taken back... I said.."I'm not trying to fight about this.. I'm just trying to plan things out for the future. I want to be able to take care of my family and what job I do get... that is our problem." She said, "you can get 2-3 jobs for all I care." I told her that I probably could but in the first years of our marriage... I'd like to be able to spend time with her too. She said, "well sometimes you gotta do what do dont want to do sometimes." Another time, we were talking and I had went to pay my car insurance and while I was there.. I just checked on what the payments and stuff would be once we were married and were living up there. I told her about me doing that and she was like, "plan plan plan... if you're gonna worry about stuff like that all the time I dont know if I can take that or not." I just said, "I'm not worried about anything.. I was just saying that i went and paid my insurance and just checked on what it would be. This is stuff that we're gonna have to have." And the closer that things have been getting, the more unsure things have been becoming. There are not a lot of industry and stuff where she lives. It is a very rural area. The only things up there are factories mostly. Unless you go into something like banking, pharmacy or want to be a farmer full-time, then other than factories that is about it. I told her that I would check into some of those things. Her aunt then talked to us.. and said that we might want to think about that first. She had a son-in-law who worked at one and he was presently trying to get out of there. That he works hard for very little money and that he did not get any insurance coverage at all for a very long time. In teaching up in Kentucky, I also would need to have 6 graduate hours completed for a master's degree which I have not started yet. You can get hired on an emergency certificate, or could work as a sub but there is not that certainty of being called everyday to sub or anything like that... and in a recent phone conversation... I told her that I was kind of scared because in going into marriage with her.. I just wanted to have some certainty of an income and some insurance of some sorts so that I know that if anything happened... we would be ok. I didnt want our marriage to start off harder than it needed to be. I told her that if worse came to worse, she could move down here and she wouldnt have to work at all. I'd take care of her.. and I'd just go ahead and get my Master's Degree here so that when a job opened up in Kentucky, I'd be Rank II and be making a lot more than what I would now if I moved up there and didnt know what I was going to do. She then went off on me saying, "you're good aren't you? thats what you had in mind all along. you just wanted me to come down there to be with you. you never had planned on coming up here." I told her that I'd been working my butt off to try and get up there and she said that if I asked her... that I'd not been doing anything at all. When I heard that.. it was like a slap in the face. I told her that I loved her and that I wanted to marry her. She said, "lots of guys want to marry me ... actions speak louder than words." If you love someone, you dont worry about money or anything... if you want to move... you just pack up and go." Myself... I love her a great deal. But.. I'm just thinking about our future and our family. I told her that if she moved down here... I'd put her on my school insurance and if we wanted to go ahead and start having kids we could. I'd be making 40000 a year... and its not like we would be struggling. We'd be just fine and have all we needed. She said you can forget it. I'm not moving away and thats just how it is. For the past three days, I've prayed and fasted... and now I'm just feeling as if I will never be able to make her happy. And I dont want to break things off with her... but I care about our marriage and I care about how those first few years are going to be for us together. She just wants me to move up there and thats it. She says that everything else will take care of itself. The thing is.. jobs are just not that plentiful up there.. and there are a few things that you need to have sureness of in order to have a good marriage. If we could live off of love... we'd be flying. I want to marry this girl and I want to live my life with her... but I want us to be able to have a great life together. I dont want things to be harder than they have to be starting out with us. I have prayed and I have prayed about this. Everyone tells me that it is her place to come down here anyway.... but to me.. its not that I care about where I live with her.. I just want to have a job to go to and there is no guarantee of that right now. I dont want to be irresponsible with my relationship and vows to her and my marriage to her and treat our life together as though it doesnt mean anything. I think that marriage....it does take work... but it shouldnt have to be harder than it is.. and if you can work it out somehow... you can do it. It all feels as though if things are going to work out between us now though... it all hinges on me and what I do. What happens to me job wise is either going to keep this thing going or end it all... and I hate this feeling. I feel like that I'm trying all that I can do to get up there and things just arent working... and in that...she sees me as not doing anything when I have... and it is stressing me out. I've not yelled or screamed at her at all when we talk. I've just tried to relay my fears to her ... the things I've been thinking about.. and she'll say that if I was a man... I'd come up there to be with her no matter what. That if I was tough... I'd do whatever it took to be with her. Even do something that I didnt want to do. I told her that I did love her... but... I want to be happy too. I want to be happy with you and love you the rest of my life ... and even in the job I do .. I want to be happy doing it. So... I'm struggling a lot. I am looking for some advice that is God based. I have a strong relationship with God and I've constantly prayed that if it is God's will for me to be with her I will and if not... I'll just trust him in this. Its hard to even utter the words because I love her so very much. I feel that I'm putting out all the effort to see this done... and even though I'm trying to relay my fear in the future ahead... she sees it as something that is just easier than what it is.... am I wrong in feeling the way that I am... or is she true in saying the things that she has said about me? Am I losing my faith or am I being the man for my future family that I need to be in my thinking?
AnswerHi Shannon,
I think you are right on target. You have been praying about this and I believe what is happening is the Holy Spirit is allowing you to see this side of her and He is giving you a warning...
She doesn't have a good attitude... in fact, it is unGodly and demeaning to you. You need to look out for your family and if you are willing to take care of her totally (kudos to you) at your home town, then if she really wanted to be with you, she would move. I don't like her attitude one bit.
You can't just move up there without a sound plan....you already have this figured out and you are using wisdom. So it sounds to me as if you are doing everything you need to do.
Listen to the Holy Spirit... Red flags here!!!! Procede with caution!!! Take a second look!!
Blessings,
Pastor Kim
