QuestionHi there,
My wife and I have been married for just over a year now. No kids. We had a disagreement that blew up to a bad argument. That was 3 weeks ago and I've moved out since.
I'm just not sure anymore about what to do, if I should just get a divorce. I've seen people remarry and are much happier with the 2nd spouse.
Both my wife and myself are very stubborn people. I especially do not like being told what I must do, my wife insists (everyday) that i need to stop smoking.
Of course we have had good and bad moments. It seems much easier for me to get back with her, because we have a house together.
I just don't know what to do... either stay or leave - both takes lots of courage I guess.
I'm trying to figure out why I'm feeling the way I do, what are the key things I just can't accept about our relationship...
Should i stay or should i go? Should I call her to talk about it?
we've talked about things before.
Bob
AnswerHi Bob~
I'm a firm believer in doing everything within your power to make a marriage work. So that's what you should at least attempt to do. The problem that I see in most marriages is a lack of communication and how one expresses themselves to their spouse/partner. Go home and have a talk with her. Sit down and have a serious heart to heart talk with her. You have to tell her how all of this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. Suggest that you go to marriage counseling in order to work your problems and differences out. By putting forth the effort and showing her that you do indeed care about her and you want to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work, that will speak volumes and really mean a lot to her. These days a lot of people are too quick to separate and divorce. Marriage takes a lot of work, commitment, time, love and patience with someone you love. The number one thing in having a happy, healthy and successful marriage is to learn good communication skills with your spouse. Otherwise, how are you going to know what each other is feeling/thinking. You can't just assume things. If something's bothering you you have to put forth the effort to work whatever's bothering you out, including talking about it.
The biggest issues that I can see (from what you've described to me) is that she hates your smoking and wants you to quit. So she gets frustrated and takes it out on you b/c she feels you aren't listening to her and hearing her out. Hence why she's always harping on you and acting the way she has been. You, on the other hand don't like being told what to do (and who does), and rightfully so. These are two issues you need to discuss and work on improving within your individual selves. If that makes any sense whatsoever. You can both learn to be sensitive to each others needs too. This especially will not be easy since you said you are both very stubborn and strong-willed personalities. That can be worked on though in time.
Go back, talk to her and make a concerted effort to improve yourself and ultimately the relationship with your wife. She's your ally not your enemy (such as when you fight), marriage is about team work, it's about trying to be as supportive to each other as you can, w/o compromising what you stand for within reason, of course. Marriage is also about making some sacrifices for those that you love. Divorce isn't always the answer for everyone. After all if you have differences with one person and you divorce b/c of that and you aren't willing to compromise and work out whatever issues you have, divorcing and remarrying isn't going to fix the problem, it will just follow you into another marriage (if you don't fix and improve yourself and any faults that you have, and by means no one is perfect, I realize that). I hope you get what I'm trying to say here. Call her and ask her to set aside when you can both talk calming in a loving, caring and concerned manner about these issues. I hope this helps you some. Don't forget that marriage is a constant work in progress and it's all about working together and making a differences, if at all possible.
