QuestionQUESTION: Dear Pat,
I am so helpless. I am a 31-year-old Chinese woman. I have been dating my ex boyfriend, an European, for 3 years, last year we broke up. But since we lived together, we sometimes had intimate relationship.
Last month I was on vacation and I thrown up every day, plus my period was late so I did a pregnancy test. When I found out it was positive, I told him but he was very persistent to ask me to do the abortion right away.
But I did not. I told him I did as he is out of town so he could not know. I want to have more time to think through it. And I know he won't be there for me.
Physically I am still throwing up every day, making me very weak and tired. I tried to go to work but I can barely sit. My family is not in the same city with me. But my mum and sister want me to keep the baby. However, I have doubts about whether I am capable of bringing up the child financially (I work a medium level job) and physically (I am not a very strong person) and mentally (as a single mum).
But if I do the abortion, I am very sure I would regret or feel guilty for the rest of my life. And at my age and with my health I am not even sure that I can get pregnant so easily in the future.
My last period was on 14 Nov 2009 (but the day we did it was 2 Dec 2009 I remember), so I know I am already running out of time to make the decision. But I am still very lost, I already feel like committing suicide all the time.
ANSWER: Ni hao, BlackCat,
What country are you currently living in? I may be able to find you some help. Since your mum and sister are so supportive, they may be able to help you as well.
Let's take first things first. You need to stop the throwing up. The best remedy is to sip ginger tea. I'm sure that is something you would find possible wherever you are. This should calm it down considerably. If you still need help, a doctor can prescribe something that will be safe for your baby. Once you get the vomiting under control, eat a good diet. Make sure you get adequate protein. Meat is a very good idea, and combining rice with mung bean sprouts also makes a good protein. You can eat a little cracker or something before you get out of bed in the morning. Also, some women say watermelon helps.
As far as having an abortion is concerned, if you don't want an abortion, don't have one. You don't owe it to your ex to have an abortion because he wants you to have one. He's got a lot of nerve asking you in the first place. He could get off scot free, but if there are any complications, you are the one who would have to suffer the consequences. You deserve better than that.
If you make up your mind you won't have an abortion, that may also help with the vomiting, because I'm sure that it will ease your stress. As far as mentally being a single mum is concerned, it's much easier to handle than having an abortion. The emotional consequences from abortion can be significant. In fact, you are talking about thinking about suicide. If you do have an abortion, you are at great risk of committing suicide. You are much safer if you stay pregnant.
I have worked through pregnancy with Chinese women, so I am somewhat familiar with some of the difficulties you will probably face.
I will be here for you. Also, there are other women on the internet who will support you, and I can tell you some places where you can exchange messages with them. There are organizations in most parts of the world that will help you with the emotional and practical problems you face, as well as medical care and help making your financial situation better. They can help with clothing, supplies, and furniture for a baby, and they can offer adoption help. That's why I asked where you live.
Please take care of yourself. Abortion is very dangerous and can kill you. It can also harm your future children, and since you are physically weak, it would be especially dangerous. Stay safe, and let me hear back from you.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Dear Pat,
I am so thankful that you write me back so fast. I cannot help but crying while I was reading it and as I am writing now. I currently live and work in Shanghai, but originally I am from Hong Kong, where my family are.
I have never been a mum, but same as every girl, I always dream of the day being a mum should be happy, and I thought baby is the gift from God. But what is happening is not the case. No one is happy to know this unborn baby, somehow not even myself. I feel I am such a failure because I cannot even give him a life he deserves, I should protect him as a mum but instead I am thinking of taking away his life. And even his father is desperately wanting him to not appear in the world. Who else is there to love him? You are right about all the grief and stress I have in my mind in the past week. But I am also scared that if I cannot even start at the right point, how can I make sure his life is happy? Wouldn't it be a miserable thing for him to be born in this situation and he will be blaming me or feeling sad in his whole life?
ANSWER: Ni hao, BlackCat,
If you can get back to Hong Kong, that would be a good thing. There is an organization there that can help you:
Mother's Choice 42B Kennedy Rd Hong Kong http://www.mchoice.org
You have already told me you don't want an abortion. You will need to stay strong. Since you don't want an abortion, don't have one!
You can give your baby life. You can give him or her your love. It is not the case that nobody loves him but you. Your family loves him, I love him, and God loves him.
It is all too easy to conclude that a baby will have a miserable life if we allow him to be born. But this is often not the case, and we really shouldn't borrow trouble. Your baby is depending on you for your protection, and you are the only person in the world who can protect him or her. If you love your baby, and show him your love, he will be happy. And he will choose whether or not he wants to be happy when he gets older. As mothers, we don't have any control over that, and no matter how fortunate the growing up years are, there are some people who simply choose to be unhappy. On the other hand, there are many who have to struggle in life who do choose to be happy. The truth is, we can't make life too perfect for our children, and if we try, we will harm them, because everyone needs a certain amount of adversity to do well, to develop character. We had some adversity in our family, and for the most part, our children have been very happy and productive citizens. A baby only needs shelter, clothing, food, and love. As the baby gets older, he or she will learn from you, simply by being around you as you talk to him or her, sing to him, and play with him. Motherhood grows with the child. A woman is rarely ready to be a mother during the first trimester. In fact, her hormones will make it more difficult to accept her pregnancy. By the second trimester, this changes for most mothers. By the time of the birth, most mothers are eager to welcome their little one into their arms.
Give yourself a chance. The sooner you decide, the happier you will be. You are now being robbed of your joy, and that's not right. You have all the things you need to be a good mother; it's something we women are born with. Take one day at a time.
Don't try to rationalize taking away the only life your baby has by trying to predict he will be miserable. Most likely, he will be fine. Think instead of what it will be like if you have an abortion and when you realize that your baby will never run, play, or feel the sun on his or her face, or the wind in his or her hair, or watch a bug crawling on the ground, or smell a flower. Children have a sense of wonder that delights in the smallest things. It is very renewing to us as well. This is what you are thinking of throwing away.
We have heroes in our country who grew up in poverty, and who made something of themselves. My own parents grew up in poverty, and so did my husband. They all got an education (my husband and father got PhDs, and my mother got a master's degree). They all had a fulfilled life. The best thing your baby needs is your nurture, and that's free.
Please take care of both of you, and keep your baby safe. I'll be here any time you need to talk.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Dear Pat,
It's me again. I need to write to you again because...I am losing my will power. These two weeks I have been throwing up A LOT. I tried many ways, ginger tea, lemon water, B6 from the doctor...but nothing can stop me from throwing up each meal, and in the midnight, and in the morning. I havent been able to eat and keep some food in my stomach. And I am so weak. I wasn't able to go to work and even I tried, I need the rubbish bin next to me so that I won't throw up on my way to the toilet.
I am exhausted, and physically I feel like dying. And when I think about that it is only the beginning...and how am I going to bear it for 10 months and take care of the baby when he/she cried all night, I break down.
On the other hand, I am facing challenges of practical problems: my dad told me I will have to be ready to stay single for the rest of my life if I have a child with me; my company is telling me that I won't have any paid maternity leave as I am not married. Everything is making the situation more difficult for me...
I want to surrender.
AnswerDear BlackCat,
I am very happy to hear from you, and I'm sorry you are going through this. Fortunately, most women don't have this problem for more than the first three months, so I doubt if it will go on much longer for you. Ask your doctor to give you some medication for your vomiting. There are safe medications that you can take. Put a little food such as crackers by your bed, and nibble on them. See if this helps. Just rest for now.
As weak as you are, abortion would be especially dangerous. You might not survive it.
Your baby doesn't have to cry all night. Most don't. You can put your baby in bed with you and let him nurse whenever he wants, and most likely, you will sleep well, and so will he. I have done this. If you are breastfeeding, and taking good care of him, and if you don't let the doctor give him a whole bunch of immunizations, he should do well. Immunizations can cause damage. I realize that this seems strange, but in reality, he'll do better without them. We came to this conclusion after getting most of our children immunized, and in those days, they didn't give nearly as many as they do today. As long as you are breastfeeding, he won't get sick much. So don't think in terms of having a problem for 10 months. It is very unlikely you will.
It is also not necessarily the case that you will stay single all your life if you protect your baby. Most women don't. Given the fact that China has a lot of extra men, the prospects are better in your part of the world than they have ever been. Don't borrow trouble. I know your father loves you and means well, but please tell him that he needs to help and protect you. He is creating stress that is aggravating your problem. As for your company, you have time to talk to them or find another job. Also, you can get help. There is an organization in your area that can help you. You can call them on the phone. I don't have their phone number, but I imagine you can get it. They have a web site, but it's not obvious how to get help there.
Mother's Choice 42B Kennedy Rd Hong Kong www.mchoice.org
So check them out and see how they might be able to help you. Take one hour at a time. Please keep in touch. I will support you all the way. But please know that abortion is very dangerous when you are weak to begin with. Expect the doctor to help you. He can. When you can eat, be sure to get protein. Please take care, and let me hear from you.
