QuestionHi Danielle I am 31 and my girlfriend is 30 we have a 2.3years old son together and a five year old daughter from her previous relationship.I am currently studying for a Masters degree finishing in October and lost my part-time job in December. My girlfriend is a Nursing student at university and should finish next year.
We have been together for about four years now. Within weeks of us starting our relationship and her first child still less than a year she fell pregnant. She wanted to keep it, but I convinced her that we hardly knew each other and in any case we already had a young child to look after. After the abortion she reluctantly agreed to fix a coil to prevent any unwanted pregnancy.
Within a few months of fixing it she went and had it removed without telling me and then she fell pregnant and insisted that she was going to keep it. I was furious and asked that we break up, so she finally agreed to terminate it.
A year and a half later we both agreed to have a child. I accompanied her to the clinic to get her coil removed and few months later she fell pregnant and we had a cute and lovely boy. We agreed that she should get a coil fixed to prevent another pregnancy. However we realized that the coil was not properly fixed as I could feel it each time we made love making the process painful for both of us. We agreed that she should remove it and get another one properly fixed, she went to the clinic and removed the coil and pretended to me that she had another fixed back. In less than six months of giving birth, she was pregnant again. I felt deceived by her and asked that we end the relationship. I stopped talking to her and was on the verge of moving out when she went and did the abortion.
After that I told her in no uncertain terms that I was not interested in fathering another child and explained to her that we should work very hard in developing our individual careers and looking after our two very lovely kids rather than having more kids than we can afford. I asked her if she was not comfortable with the coil we could use other means of prevention, but she said that was the only method she felt safe with. she finally agreed to enroll at University and is just weeks from finishing her second year of a Nursing Diploma (three years). Recently I started encouraging her to do an extra year so she can get a degree. I am currently doing my final two modules and writing my Thesis for my MSc in Civil Engineering. I am actively looking for work and do a bit of casual work. she is not working because of the schedule of her course.
You can imagine my shock at finding out that she had long removed the coil and is in fact over 8 weeks pregnant. She has told me categorically this time that she was not going to get rid of it as she had only been waiting for our son to reach the age of two. She is also not interested in completing her course but wants to sit at home and raise the kids and that god is going to provide for all her needs. I have asked her to explain to me how god was going to do that for her but she has never given me any explanation.
I love family life and I love her and my kids very much. I like dropping them off at school when I can, and picking them up in the evening.I like reading to and helping them with their home work, showering and putting them to bed every day. They start and finish my day and for them I always want to work harder. However, I also believe that having kids you cannot afford is wholly irresponsible and a direct path to living in poverty. Much as I feel it is unsafe to commit multiple abortions (an argument she is now using in her defense), I feel we could have avoided all of it. I have even conceded my earlier stance of not having any additional children by suggesting that if she finishes her course and gets a job, and if she is so keen, we could plan to have another child when she could get maternity leave. But she has vehemently refused that option.
I have decided to end the relationship with her and has now moved out of the house we shared. I love my kids(my two year old son and the five year old she had with another man) and I am prepared to support them in every way, but I feel she is now going to sit down doing nothing but exploiting the UK benefit system for shelter and her personal needs whilst at the same time using the child support system to exploit me in every way possible for a child I neither planned for nor prepared to father.
Given these circumstances, what options do I have? firstly can I prevent her from continuing with the pregnancy (she is two and a half months pregnant)? If not can I prevent her from using the child support system to exploit me for the child?
grateful for you response.
Ekay.
AnswerHi Ekay :)
Multiple abortions are perfectly safe if done legally and by a doctor. It gets dangerous when you get multiple-even one-illegal abortions. You can't make her terminate. The first thing you'll want to do is work out how the child will be paid for. She needs to make a list of all the cost of where she lives, the already existing children, and the next baby, and what they need on a monthly basis and what it will cost. And then she needs to figure out where that money will come from, because I highly doubt the government benefits will come close to providing for them. I don't know if your system is MUCH better than here in the US, but here you certainly wouldn't be able to be a stay at home mom-welfare just gives you enough to survive, not to live anywhere near comfortable. Maybe looking at all the future finances she'll change her mind, but maybe not. If she makes you give her child support-will you be in a court? If you are, you tell them exactly what happened. You can also try relinquishing your parental rights to the kid. If you still have to pay child support after all that, then I'm afraid that's what will have to happen. They also might not be strict with enforcing the payments-so maybe after a bit you can simply stop, or definitely cut down. Talk to her about what she'd like, and what's realistic. And if you ever were to have sexual intercourse again, make sure you use condoms because what she did was completely uncalled for and incredibly messed up-but there's nothing stopping any woman from doing that with any method (not that they will, but if they do, you have no say).
