QuestionQUESTION: I am not sure who is the father of my unborn child and I
don't want to give birth to a baby whose father is not my
husband. Seems like nobody can tell me who is the father of
my child. My LMP was on 28 April 2010, i had sex with
another man on 9 May 2010 and i took postinor2 within 24 hrs
of the unprotected sex and another dosage 12 hr after. I
then had unprotected sex with my husband on 12 & 14 May
2010. I was told by my doctor during the first trimester
that it is conceived between 10 and 15 May 2010 through
ultrasound. Should I just give up the baby? How can I tell
my husband that I would want an abortion? I feel so
helpless...
ANSWER: Hello, Ng,
The reason why nobody can tell you who the father of your child is, is because ovulation occurs about 14 days BEFORE your NEXT period. Since you didn't have that period, they can't tell when it might have occurred. That period could have been delayed because ovulation was delayed. And the reason why it might have been delayed is because of whatever was happening with you emotionally that caused you to have sex with another man. So there is no way of knowing, short of running tests. It's not exactly cheap or convenient to test before birth, and can cause the death of the child. Supposedly there are less invasive tests, but they are not readily available. Not only that, but tests can be wrong.
Your husband is legally the father of your child regardless of who the sperm donor was. Your having sex with another man once isn't your baby's fault. Abortion is very dangerous, especially as far along as you are. It would also cause your baby excruciating pain. You may not know who the father of your baby is, but you know who your baby's MOTHER is. Your baby is depending on you for your protection.
I don't consider ultrasound that accurate, but the range of May 10 to 15 puts sex with your husband in the middle, while May 9 is outside of that range.
Your husband obviously doesn't know you had sex with someone else. If you seek to have an abortion, he will find out. Unless your other partner looks very different from your husband, you can have your baby and raise him or her, and you won't have that problem.
If you are really intent on not raising a child that is not biologically your husband's, you can have your baby's DNA tested after birth, and choose adoption.
Let me talk for a minute about the issue of whether or not this is your husband's child. We adopted two children, and they have had two children, and one of our other children adopted two children. We have six children in our family that NEITHER of us is the parent or grandparent of in the biological sense. It makes absolutely no difference to either of us that this is the case. In fact, I breastfed both of our adopted babies. And neither of them looks the least bit like either of us. The attitude that the baby is unworthy to live because of having the wrong father really, to my mind, makes the baby a "commodity", not a child. Children are going to disappoint their parents numerous times. It's how things are. You don't raise children because they are perfect. You raise them because you love them. And love is capable of loving those who don't measure up to our expectations. If you are going to be a good mother, you must demonstrate this kind of love. This kind of love is not an emotion. It is a decision. Motherly love may come naturally to some extent, but ultimately, it is the mother's DECISION to love and nurture her child that results in being willing to put up with all the disappointments. The bond doesn't magically go away just because your child did something you are not happy about.
Our family also faced the question of whether or not a baby that was legally the father's actually was, biologically. I advised the father not to worry about it. The boy needs him. The boy would face a very grim future if he decided not to be the father and renounce his son, whom he really does love. Ultimately, he decided to accept the child without testing.
Given that abortion could kill you, and harm your future children, it hardly seems worth it to take that kind of risk for such a reason. Not only that, but you are already bonded to your child, whether you consciously realize it or not. Having an abortion could cause serious emotional problems, and could even result in you becoming suicidal, or willing to harm yourself in another way. It can also destroy your marriage. In fact, destroying your marriage is much more likely if you have an abortion. If it turns out you find out this is not your husband's baby, he can choose to be a good father anyway. Legally, he has no problem. This is his baby. If he really doesn't want to raise the child, like I said, you can choose adoption. It is much safer for you.
I recommend you put aside the question of whether or not to raise another man's child. Just enjoy your baby, protect him or her, and accept the situation. If you ever plan to have other children, it is by far the best thing you can do for your ability to be a good mother. Being in the habit of destroying a child because he doesn't measure up to your expectations is not good mothering. Please take care of your baby and protect him or her, and stay safe. Please let me know how things go.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Pat G,
First of all, I would like to thank you for the advice. I
really appreciate it. You have opened my mind to other
possibilities.
Me and my husband are Chinese and he is a very traditional
man. I am not sure whether he will accept and raise the
child of another man (if the child turn out to be).
Whatever the consequences are, I am the mother of my child.
I could only hope for the best. If my husband fathered my
child, it will be perfect.
Thank you.
Kit
AnswerNi hao, Kit,
You are very welcome. Yes, I am very aware that Ng is a Chinese surname.
In order to determine the child isn't his, he would have to cooperate. So he would know about it. I don't normally think such a thing should be kept from your spouse, because a relationship needs to be based on trust. But under the circumstances, unless the other man looks very different (such as if he is Indian or Malaysian), it might be best just to assume it's his child. I imagine that it is also not traditional to accept that a man's wife slept with someone else.
I pray that you will have many blessings. Please take care of yourself, your husband, and your child. Please keep in touch.
