QuestionQUESTION: i am almost 20 weeks pregnant i am married and have 4 kids all ready my husband want me to have an abortion i don't think i want to but i dont want another baby either i have had problems with past pregnancies and very low iron we have already tried adoption with our last baby but couldn't do it so i have been reading allot about abortion so i would know what to expect but that scares me even more i really need to know the truth about what happens to the baby and what emotional problems to expect
ANSWER: Hello, kelly,
Your husband has NO RIGHT to ask that of you! That takes a LOT of nerve! If my husband did that to me, though he never would, I would ask him what in the heck he thinks he's doing, demanding that you harm his child! There is a very good chance that you don't even want an abortion, deep down inside, or you would have already done it. You've already indicated as much, but you are succumbing to your husband's coercion. If you don't want an abortion, don't have one! You have good instincts. You are afraid of abortion. You should be. Please listen to your heart!
At 20 weeks, an abortion is a big deal. It is very dangerous. Either the abortionist has to slice the baby apart (which means sharp bones that can damage the uterus), or the woman has to go through labor. Given that her body isn't prepared for labor, that can be rough. They have to dilate the cervix. Often, they use laminaria, which is a kind of seaweed. The moisture in the mother's body causes the laminaria to swell. There is danger of infection, and damage to the cervix is almost a certainty. Not only that, but your baby will feel intense, excruciating pain if the abortionist slices him or her apart. I don't know of a single abortionist who does abortions that late who doesn't regularly harm women seriously. Every single one of them that I know about in the United States has killed several women, but nobody brings them to justice. Once the woman has the abortion, she may look at her child, and her child will be of significant size, and fully formed. If born now, there is a chance your baby could even survive and be healthy. I have talked to women who had late term abortions like you are considering, and believe me, it was horrible. One woman told me, she would have given anything just to look in her baby's eyes! The emotional repercussions from any abortion can be serious. A woman's chances of dying a violent death in the year following abortion is 6 1/2 times what it would be if she carried to term. Chance of suicide is 3 times as great. Women also die from auto accident and homicide. Massive studies involving thousands of women have been done on this. Other emotional dangers include alcohol or drug abuse, anorexia, bulimia, and self-abuse, such as cutting. I have a friend who had an abortion at just about the same time as where you are now. She was absolutely certain she never wanted children. But afterward, I ended up sitting up all night with her because she was suicidal. That was the most frightening thing that ever happened to me. A couple of years later, she emailed me that she had a colleague at work who thought she might be pregnant, and if she was, she planned to have an abortion. My friend said, "PLEASE talk her out of it! My abortion ruined my life!" So don't even GO there!
Other dangers include harm to your ability to be a good mother to your other children, and insecurity on the part of your children, who will sense something is wrong, even if they don't know what happened. They may either be afraid that if they don't measure up, you'll get rid of them, too, or they may feel survivor guilt. Either way, you would be robbing them of a sibling they deserve to know and love. And the abortion would stand a good chance of tearing your marriage apart.
There are ways to help with problems, and with low iron. Normally, doctors will give women an iron supplement. The problem is, the form of iron they give can be toxic and is not readily utilized by the body. Herbs rich in iron would work much better. You haven't specified what other problems you had, but there are ways to help a woman with each problem she might face.
I can understand your not wanting another baby, but please realize that you HAVE a baby. Whether or not you protect that baby is really the issue, not whether or not you want him or her. Think back to the one you tried to put up for adoption. Clearly, by the time your baby was born, you loved your baby enough to want to keep him or her, and not give your baby to someone else. By the time this baby would be born, you would probably feel the same way. If not, you would succeed in choosing adoption.
Right now, you are thinking about not wanting a baby, and about the extra work and expense you think it would involve. After the abortion, you will spend the rest of your life wondering how your baby would have been, what he or she would have done, and so forth. Having had a child I desperately didn't want to be pregnant with, I can't tell you how GOOD it was for us to have him! He has been a real blessing to us. While he was growing up, he delighted us for many, many hours as he learned to play classical guitar. He and I studied taekwondo together. It was a wonderful, enjoyable time. He actually helped save a young man from a life of crime. His aunt expressed gratitude to me for raising such a fine son. My mother-in-law was extremely generous with our family. When we had troubles, she helped us, and gave us everything she had. In her final year of life, she wanted more than anything to spend the rest of her life in her apartment, and he moved in with her and took care of her so she could do that. He was the only one who was available to do this. Partly as a result of this, she was able to accept Jesus before she died. After that, our son enlisted in the Army Reserves, and has spent two tours of duty in Iraq. Needless to say, we are proud and grateful for his sacrifice. He now has a son, one of our grandchildren. We often don't know why God gives us a certain child, maybe not until years later. But believe me, He has His reasons. He has entrusted you with this child. For all you know, this is the child who will take care of you in turn.
Don't make raising a baby into a complicated deal. It doesn't have to be. You already have many of the things you need, most likely. If not, you can get them readily. There are organizations in your area that will help you with counseling and things the baby needs. To find one, go here:
http://www.pregnancycenters.org/
You owe it to yourself at least to hear what they have to say.
If you breastfeed your baby, that totally simplifies the feeding, and reduces the costs to practically nothing. You can exclusively breastfeed for many months, and it won't harm your baby. I actually breastfed my youngest exclusively (no other food) for nearly a year. There are sometimes organizations that will provide diapers. I even traveled on the plane with my baby. I put enough diapers for the trip in a bag, and I carried the baby on my body in a sling. Older children can help a lot, and can help entertain your baby as well. We raised seven children, and I can tell you from experience that in many ways, it gets easier when you have more children. If you are facing financial issues, the organization can often help with solutions. They can also help you find a doctor who will give you decent medical care, not one that thinks it is acceptable to violate medical ethics like that.
If you have discipline problems with your children, I can probably give you some pointers that will help. Obviously, it's not pleasant to have children who don't behave very well.
Insist your husband go see an ultrasound. You should see the ultrasound, too. You have a right to meet your baby. Although it is somewhat common for a husband to react the way yours is reacting, often that will help. He is robbing you of your joy, and that's not right.
You may think that having an abortion will be easier. It won't. It is by far the hardest of the choices, especially at this late date.
Please protect yourself and your baby. Don't take this chance with your life, either. Please keep in touch and let me know how things go. I will be here for you no matter what, and I will pray for all of you.
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QUESTION: i have another question about abortion i have all ready tried to kill myself in the past and now i cry and think about it alot does that make me a higher risk for suicide? Also when i thought i was for sure having the abortion i drank a couple of times do you think it hurt my baby and is there any test a doctor can do to make sure its okay i also wanted to tell you i have had a sonogram and i saw the babys head when i was at the abortion clinic i wasn't trying to but i did i wish my husband would have seen it to he was the one who said we are not giving the last baby up and i know he would be the same way about this one probably more so i think its a girl and you know how fathers and daughters are to get back to the last baby my husband is real close with him my husband calls him his little man and plays with him like crazy he is a really good dad and i don't want to rob this baby of that and at a chance at life i cant let any baby suffer like that how could i do it to my own flesh and blood who i am here to love and protect
AnswerHi, Kelly,
You are very, very welcome, and thank you so much for the kind rating!
If you have attempted suicide in the past, I would think that would make it a greater risk that you would attempt it again after you had an abortion. You have already "met" your baby, and you're right. This is your flesh and blood who you are here to protect. How will you feel about yourself if you actually go against that and hurt this baby?
Your husband's reaction last time tells me that he is simply one of those men who takes a long time to get used to the new baby and accept him or her. This is fairly common, especially when a man has some doubts to begin with. But I think I'd tell him that you need HIS protection from abortion, you need HIM to cherish you and the baby that you created with an act of love.
I recommend you tell him you have changed your mind, and your decision is firm. If he continues to hassle you, insist he go see a sonogram. Don't go to the abortion clinic to get one. Go to the organization in your area I recommended. Ask him if he wants you to attempt suicide again! Tell him that abortion greatly increases a woman's likelihood to commit suicide. Tell him what is on your heart.
A couple of times drinking is unlikely to do much harm. I frankly think that the claim that it causes fetal alcohol syndrome is greatly exaggerated. There is no question that a lot of drinking will do this. But also consider that in Europe, people routinely (daily) drink wine or beer, and you don't find whole populations of people with fetal alcohol syndrome. And you are already fairly far along, so the likelihood of damage is considerably less.
Let's talk a little bit about your past attempt to commit suicide. There are substances that are routinely put into food that can cause a susceptible women to become suicidal. For example, artificial sweeteners can do that. Also, psychotropic drugs can do that. They're supposed to help, but often, they cause the very state of mind they are supposed to prevent! I have some suggestions, things I would do if I were in your position. First, avoid artificial sweeteners, monosodium glutimate (goes under about 30 different names, so learn some of them, such as natural flavors, unfortunately, hydrolyzed whatever protein: soy, corn, etc.), genetically engineered foods (mainly corn, soy and their oils, cottonseed and canola oil), and any additive that has a name that you can't pronounce. (Obviously, some of these won't be a problem, but I think you will do much better if you avoid them.) I have also discovered that one of the supplements I am taking seems to be causing me to feel depressed for awhile after I take it; I imagine I'm susceptible. It has quite a few ingredients, so I'm not sure which one it is yet. A vegetarian diet is deficient in several critical nutrients, so if you aren't consuming any animal products, it's something to check out. You would pretty much have to keep track of what you are eating, and see when you experience depression or panic attacks, and notice what you had eaten. It may take a bit to find the culprit, but don't give up. Some supplements that may help, and won't harm your baby, include evening primrose oil (if you take it when you are feeling depressed or having a panic attack, and it stops it right away, then you may be deficient. Evening primrose oil supplies gamma linolenic acid, which is something our adrenal glands normally make, and I found that MSG actually damaged my adrenal glands enough that it wasn't making enough of it, so I had to supplement). Another is phosphatidyl choline, which is a particular form of a B vitamin. They normally make this in a dose of around a gram. If you feel chronically tired and worn out, this could also be a clue. Other medications can also cause depression, so you might want to consider that if you are taking something. We can talk about this further if you need to.
In addition, you may be suffering from some kind of spiritual oppression. We can talk about that as well.
Good luck with everything, and may God bless you. You are all in my prayers. Please let me know how things go.
