QuestionHey. Ok, this is a very difficult question, something i'm still trying to decide. please don't judge. I already feel like the most horrible person ever and i'm really hating myself.First off, i'm married for 3 years now. i already have two young kids. a 1 year old and a 2 year old with my hubby. Now, i have just found out i am pregnant. I'm about 5 weeks pregnant currently. the problem is I'm considering Abortion. Which is not like me. I have always grown up thinking it was the worst thing ever, and i never thought i would consider having one. the reason I am tho is a bunch of different reasons. I have severe depression and anxiety and I have a hard enough time raising the two i have. and i have a drinking problem currently, that i'm trying to get over. the main reason is probably tho, that i had an affair with an ex boyfriend. and He's the father of this child. I have talked to him about it. He is pressuring me to have the abortion. He said if i end up having the baby, he would want to be apart of babies life, and he would end up telling my hubby. My entire life would be ruined and over. There would be likely be a divorce. my children and hubby would be hurt. I just feel like i'm stuck in such a hard place now. I feel devestated to think of killing my child. but i'm thinking its for the best. any advice. ? I already have an appointment set up in the next couple weeks. I've been in a severe depression ever since i found out. Do you believe that if you have an abortion, that it makes a person horrible and evil? am i going to hell for this? will the baby feel any pain if the procedure is done at about 6 weeks.? thank you for your time.
AnswerHello, Ashley,
I'm not into judging anyone. I try to go on from where you are "at", and work with the situation as it is. We are all sinners, and none of us is any less guilty than anyone else, whether she has had an abortion or not. That said, you are telling me that abortion is against your convictions. You feel weak now, but you are not a good candidate for abortion. It could wreak havoc on you emotionally, and probably will. Women can react so strongly to abortion that they can even commit suicide. The chance is 6 1/2 times what it would be if she had carried to term. If you don't want an abortion, don't have one! No woman should ever have an abortion she doesn't want.
Are you absolutely sure this is your ex's baby? Unless the two men look very different from each other (different skin color or whatever), if you have had sex with your husband at all, you may not be sure. Regardless, it isn't your baby's fault that you had an affair. Please don't punish your baby. It is true that there is some risk if your husband find out about it. However, if you suffer a complication, he WILL find out about it. Complications are common. They could be so severe they kill you, or seriously injure you for life. Then who will take care of your other children? Trying to have an abortion to conceal a pregnancy is never a good idea. If you do have a complication, you will have also deceived your husband. That isn't going to help. And you will be committing a far worse act, one that you personally don't believe in, to cover up for an act that is done with.
Legally, the baby you are carrying is your husband's. Tell your boyfriend it's not his decision, that legally the baby is your husband's, and if he tries to mess with you, you will take action. You can even tell your boyfriend it's not HIS baby. You need not say what you will do, but one possibility could be to claim he is defaming you. He is abusing you. He is manipulating you. He is trying to get you to commit violence against yourself and your baby. This is abuse. The likelihood he'd want to be part of your baby's life is relatively small. But because your baby is also legally your husband's, you have a defense. If your husband is willing to accept your baby, then you can defend yourself and your baby successfully. Furthermore, if there is any doubt that the baby is your ex's, you can simply say that because there is no proof it's his baby, he needs to go away. He may try to insist on DNA testing once your baby is born. Under the circumstances, it seems to me you can refuse. You may not be able to assert who the baby's father is, but you CAN assert who the baby's mother is, and it's you, and you owe it to your baby to protect him or her. You can also tell your ex that he wants you to kill your baby. He has no moral right to demand access to the baby later, since he wanted the baby dead, so get lost. Be forceful with him.
So what I am suggesting here is that you lie to your boyfriend but not to your husband. You may think that there is something wrong or contradictory about this, but let me talk to you from my faith tradition for a moment. The commandment says, "Thou shalt not bear false witness AGAINST thy neighbor." This doesn't mean you should never bear false witness to PROTECT your innocent neighbor. God rewarded people for lying to protect innocent human beings. He rewarded the midwives for lying to protect the Israeli babies in Egypt. He rewarded Rahab for lying to protect the spies from getting killed. So there is nothing wrong with lying to protect your baby.
You don't KNOW for a fact that telling your husband will mean the end of your marriage. We have talked to women who told their husbands, and their husbands not only didn't cause any problems for the marriage, but they adopted their wife's baby and were true fathers in every sense. It is likely that your life will change. It doesn't mean your life is over. It means that life AS YOU KNOW IT MAY be over. This is not the same thing as this baby causing your death.
For depression, try phosphatidyl choline. It is a B vitamin, and it is safe. If you have eaten a lot of food with Monosodium Glutimate in it, also try Evening Primrose Oil. The MSG might have depleted your adrenal glands, so it no longer makes enough gamma linolenic acid, which is essential for your body to function. So it is not harmful, either. If, when you are feeling depressed, you can take a pearl of Evening Primrose Oil, and the depression is lifted in a few minutes, this can be the problem, and you might also have exhausted adrenal glands for another reason. As for the drinking, you can get help for that.
Telling your ex to leave you alone is the easy part. Telling your husband will be difficult. I am going to tell you how you might be able to tell him successfully. Find an organization in your area that helps pregnant women. They are listed in the Yellow Pages under "Abortion Alternatives". Or, you can find one by going to this web site:
http://www.optionline.org/
They can, for example, have a trained person go with you when you tell your husband. This can help tremendously. They will have suggestions on what to do. You are not the only woman who has faced this problem. And it is likely that there is something wrong with your marriage to begin with, and you could well need some counseling. They will provide it.
Whether or not I will think you are a horrible person is not the question. Will YOU think you are a horrible person if you have an abortion? In any case, I have worked with women before and after, and like I said, I'm not here to judge.
I will pray for you. Your baby needs and deserves your protection. Please protect your baby. Please keep in touch. I will be here for you.
