QuestionHi,
I am 37 years old and 12 weeks pregnant. I found out after a year, that the man I was with is married [with 2 kids].
During the relationship he was always trying to get me pregnant and although I wanted a baby, my gut always said I shouldn't have one with him(!!). When I found out I was pregnant, needless to say I was shocked, depressed [still am] and v disappointed. I never envisioned this chapter in life... I'm unemployed, on benefits, although Ive just qualified as a teacher, but I am very isolated. I have no parents and only one sister who is not supportive. However, he is and he wants the baby. My gut again tells me to cut him loose... but I am still very confused as to whether to keep the baby. Note: I have fibroids.
AnswerHello, Nicki,
It sounds like you are considering abortion. Don't. It is always dangerous, but you are past the point where it is considered safe even by people who support abortion. I hate what abortion does to women. Just today, I learned about a woman who was killed by what is called a late term abortion. Your pregnancy is far enough advanced this would apply to you.
Given the fact that the father of your baby is married to someone else, yes, I advise you to cut him off. There are probably legal means you can use. Regardless, you should not punish your baby for his mistreatment. It wouldn't be just, fair, or right. Make yourself available for someone decent to come along. I know many women who have found a decent man who adopted their children, and became real fathers to them.
If you do have the baby, adoption is an option. A lot of women find this to be very difficult, but if they have experienced both adoption and abortion, they tell me that adoption is MUCH less difficult. Since you live in UK, there is a lot of help available to you if you keep and raise your baby. Not only does the government provide help, but there are organizations that also help women in your position. You can find one near you by going to this web site:
http://www.optionline.org/
If you contact them, you will no longer be alone. They are very supportive, and will see you through. You are entering a time in your pregnancy when your attitude will change considerably. You will start to feel your baby move. This happens when the baby becomes large enough that kicks will hit the skin, which can feel them. The uterus doesn't feel motion. Depending on what your weight is, this can happen as early as 14 weeks. It always did for me. But nearly all women can feel it by 18 weeks. Although you are unconsciously bonded to your baby, you are not aware of it, but as your hormones change throughout your pregnancy, and when you start to feel movement, you will become aware of this bond.
An abortion can only damage your body and your spirit. You are already 37 years old. This is likely to be the only child you ever conceive, and even though you may not be certain about motherhood, there will come a time in your life when you will either wish you had kept your baby (you will be even more alone), or you will be glad you did. I went through a pregnancy about the time in my life you are in, and I didn't want to be pregnant at all. But I am grateful for this child, who has proven to be an immense blessing to all of us.
So you really have two decent choices, neither of which will be easy, but you can make it. You are stronger than you think. You have the choice of parenting, or adoption. Don't choose one of these alternatives yet. Wait until you are aware of your bond, and then choose. You can change your mind up to the point where, if you choose adoption, you relinquish your maternal rights. You deserve better than abortion. Your baby needs your protection. Please protect your baby.
As for the fibroids, they're a nuisance, but the medical opinions I have gotten is that if you have fibroids and have an abortion, you can easily bleed to death. It is considered bad medical practice to do an abortion in the first place, but much worse for a woman with fibroids. They can slice through them, and they can bleed profusely. For medical reasons alone, it sounds very dangerous.
I will be here for you, and I hope you will keep in touch and let me know how you are doing, and ask any questions you might have. Please stay safe!
