QuestionDear Dr. Kiya,
I am a 32 year old mand and I've never been married before. 8 months ago I asked my now fiance for her hand in marriage and away it's going. We have been planning ever since. I must honestly say I feel a certain trepedation about the situation, and I have not shared these feelings with her. First, I don't want to crush her. She seems so excited about everything and lights up when discussing plans with her friends and family. Second, she and her family have already gone all out in planning this elaborate affair. The most expensive arrangements have already been made with it being only 3 months away. And third, we have told everyone and the plans are set.
We have lived together for three years and been through a lot. My issue is that I'm just not sure we are into the exact same things and it feels like a big problem. I'm more free and like to have fun hanging out with friends, where she is a home body that needs someone by her side. When invited she always has a reason why we shouldn't do these things. We recently moved into a rural setting to accomodate her career, I hate it here and yet we are becoming very settled. I've tried to compromise with her on some of these issues, but it doesn't seem to work. I can't say that I don't love her. I do, but I'm just not attracted to our lifestlye anymore. Already her libido levels are also a concern of mine as well. I have a child froma previous relationship that doesn't live with us and she has none. My instincts said a long time ago to tell her how I feel. At this point I belive I shouold just get married and let it go afterwards. I have always had this problem with complete honesty about my feelings in relationsships, and now look where it has gotten me. An honest opinion on this matter would be appreciated.
Thanks....
Uncertainty
AnswerDear Francois,
They just notified me that your question did not come through, therefore I have just received your mail this morning. I understand your concerns and doubts about this marriage due to lifestyle differences and worries that you will not have the life you have always dreamt about when you become married. I know that you love and care for her. The big question is....., Can you live without her? Most men and women go through the pre-marital jitters and become frightened, sometimes obsessed over the fact that they will be getting married and whether they are making the right decision to follow through with it since the outcome determines the rest of their life. The plans for the wedding should not play a role in making this very important decision. It's your life and reservations and loads of money should not alter what the rest of your life holds for you. When you marry someone, they should be everything to you. You should love them more than you love yourself. You will not have doubts about marriage or being with them for the rest of your life. If one enjoys staying home and the other is very social, it does not matter since the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages, and of course everyone has disadvantages. When two people truly love another, they will not let anything get in the way. They have a certainty about one another and even though they may be extremely nervous about getting married, they know 100% that they do not want to be apart. They know that they could not live without the other. So, back to the question....Can you live without her? If you can, then I suggest telling her as soon as possible. You can help pay for the lost reservation money and ask her what she needs you to do to make it easier for her. You can tell friends and family that it took putting together a wedding for you to realize that she is a great person and you know she would make a fabulous wife, but just not the person for you to spend an entire life with. For example, even though you love her, you want someone that you can travel with, be spontaneous with, explore things with, have friends and family pop in and out of the house all the time, likes to try new things, someone with spice and zest for life. If you can not live without her, then stay with her and talk with her. Make a pact with her. If she changes some things for you, you will change some things for her. Write them down. Make a wish list. Write down what you want from the other and then trade one item on your list for an item on her list. Then keep up with it. It is always possible to get a person to change their ways. You just have to learn how to push their buttons so that they do alter their habits.
Good luck and take care!
Kiya
