Infidelity affects 8 out of 10 marriages in this country. This
is a shocking statistic! What happens between the time the
marriage vows are spoken and that first episode of cheating?
It’s an assumption, of course, but I don’t think that 80% of the
people who get married intend to cheat or be part of a love
triangle.I decided to tackle unearthing the real truth about how
and why this happens. On one very popular web site there were
260 posts from both sexes commenting about forgiving and
forgetting infidelities. I read every one of them. With one
exception, the perception conveyed was that one party was an
innocent victim of the other’s philandering. It seemed to me
that everyone was looking at adultery as a cause of marital
discord. From my perspective, there are only rare exceptions to
the fact that adultery, cheating, or affairs are SYMPTOMS of
long standing marital problems. The cause occurred possibly even
before the marriage vows were uttered.
Let’s go back to the beginning of a relationship. What really
happens before two people decide to get married? They have been
dating and checking each other out. You all know that women do
the choosing. Men respond to a woman’s signals and a
relationship moves forward at a pace governed by the woman’s
appetite. So how does a couple who is totally in love and
committed to each other end up in the predicament dictated by an
affair?
I think the predicament results from the general consensus of
opinions and expectations generated by a marriage. In all of the
posts that I read it seemed that “being married” automatically
presupposed that fidelity is the most precious aspect of the
marriage. It appears that everything that could go wrong would
be tolerated, everything except infidelity. I do not support
tolerating infidelity. What I’m wondering is what are the
reasons that people actually get married? Do they get married
because they are in love? Want to have sex? Want exclusivity?
Want emotional, financial, sexual security? Want to have
children? It seems like the thing to do? Or do they get married
because they have found someone with whom they are career
compatible, financially balanced, sexually attracted,
intellectually well-matched, culturally congenial, religiously
aligned, madly in love, with whom they want to procreate and
raise children according to mutually agreeable standards? Do all
people get married for the same reasons? I don’t think so.I
believe that some people get married for love, some for lust,
some for status, some for money, some for security, some for
convenience, some to have children, some looking for parental
guidance, some for business reasons etc. etc. And if that is
true, why is it that everyone who gets married expects adherence
to the same standards as far as fidelity is concerned? The
expectation seems to be that everyone gets married for
passionate, romantic love and fidelity is the highest value of
marriage. I don’t presume to have all the answers, but possibly
some suggestions as to the seeds of infidelity. Let’s start with
a couple who declare that they are in love and want to commit to
each other. They are starry eyed and the state of “in love”
creates a certain blindness and denial especially when this
person seems to be almost perfectly aligned with the important
values you have designated to be essential in the person you are
going to marry. So this person lies to you about something or
breaks a promise to you, or does something that totally violates
your ethics, but you love him/her and he/she is so perfect
otherwise. It’s just a small thing and you can certainly
tolerate a little thing like that. After all, you are getting
married and that means you can work it out. Love conquers all.
Here is the problem. Love doesn’t solve anything. People come to
agreement or negotiate boundaries and decide to be together
because they want to be together. They choose marriage. I think
the rules of marriage and the boundaries that each couple wants
to live by must be negotiated. Obviously each and every scenario
cannot be discussed ahead of time, but the individual standards
of each partner in each marriage must be decided prior to the
vows. When a woman/man settles (that includes compromises,
tolerates, sells out) on a value that is significant to her/him,
the bond is compromised. It makes it okay to do it again,
whatever “it” is.According to the Man/Woman Strategy that I
subscribe to, women have the power in relationship and their job
is to provide appetite, which challenges the man who loves her
to produce results. The man who wants to please his woman will
produce those results as long as she believes in him and
respects him as the producer. The other component in this neat
little package is the sex. Men will do anything for sex. Women
love sex as much as men do; it’s just not socially acceptable
for them to say so. Men get their pleasure from a woman’s
pleasure and “most women lie to men about their satisfaction”
which leads to the giant gap in the presumption that marriage
presumes passionate, romantic love and fidelity are the highest
values. Women on the whole are not able to maintain the level of
energy and self esteem necessary to always validate for a man
what sexually satisfies her. Thus the communication regarding
sex gets distorted. Men, unless someone instructs them, can not
be expected to know what areas of a woman’s body are responsive
to erotic touch. It’s different for every woman (man too). So
here’s what happens. Women get pregnant. Pregnancy creates
enormous changes in a woman’s body and physiology, which at
times do not make sex appealing. Women become mothers.
Parenting, especially mothering is a 24-hour job, which includes
massive sleep deprivation, and instincts, which consume even the
most, prepared. Generally, both men and women have jobs, which
consume time and energy. Women also feel responsible for the
upkeep of the home. Not that men do not, but somehow for a woman
five million years of homemaking has become instinctual. So what
does this entire story mean? It means life gets in the way of
relationship and unless some time and energy is devoted to the
relationship as an entity, that state of “in love” that everyone
marries into will disintegrate.There are exceptions, but
generally speaking most people do not intend to cheat on their
spouse after the wedding nor do they intentionally pursue an
affair. So here is how an affair begins. One or the other
partner is not getting his/her needs met for whatever reasons.
That person encounters someone at work, or at a party, or in the
neighborhood, who notices him/her and sees something that
attracts. There is nothing like a flirtation to restore a sense
of self-esteem. Initially, the married person resists but enjoys
the attention. That person then goes home to his/her spouse and
hints that he/she needs more attention. The spouse at home who
assumes that because they are married, everything is great and
there is always time for taking care of the spouse later,
ignores the hint That, my friends, is the beginning of the
affair. When one partner seeks emotional or physical or
intellectual support from someone of the opposite sex outside of
the marriage, the seeds have been sown.The marriage is taken for
granted. The almighty wedding ring is supposed to be able to
bind people to their vows automatically. This is the false
presumption that leads us to the incorrigible statistic that 80%
of marriages are affected by infidelity. Marriage doesn’t work
by itself. It takes two people who pay attention to each other’s
needs. It takes two people who believe in each other and
validate each other. It takes two people who want to love each
other and who continually approve of each other which allows the
vulnerability necessary to be honest about their personal
needs.What should be done about reversing this destructive
trend? Marriage encounters? Premarital counseling? Relationship
coaching? Pre-marital coaching would be best. Determine if the
person you are marrying meets your standards and that you are
not just settling because he/she is almost what you want and you
might not find anyone better. Second best would be to stop an
affair before it happens. This could be accomplished by paying
attention to your relationship and not taking anything for
granted. Decreasing the number of affairs would probably make a
difference in the divorce rate. Preventative would seem to be
preferable, but some people need to get hit by a board before
they wake up and realize they are in jeopardy. Ideas are
welcome. What do you think are the cause and effect of
infidelity? Web site: www.gettingwhatyouwant.com Buy my book
www.HowToGetWhatYouWantFromYourManAnytime.com Enroll in an
e-course www.RomanceReentry.com e-mail me at
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