QuestionMy husband and my family never did get along. My family has been mad at him for us eloping, my husband is mad at them for treating him badly (which I agree my mother and uncle do but not the rest of the family does not). As such my husband wants me to cut ties with them. My sister is getting married in TN which is away from TX where we live, and the only reason she is getting married there is because she wants to (as neither the bride nor groom have family there). She has asked me to be the maid of honor for her...and I want to do it, but my husband has refused to go, and for that matter refused that I go too. At first he said it was too expensive, but now when she offered to pay for me and try to pay for our two children next, he still refused. Saying he would not even take care of the children. Well I am pretty upset as she is my only sister, and I want to be there for her. Even if she wasn't as there for me when I first got married as she could have been. Now my husband is saying if I go he will leave me and I don't know what to do. I have told him that I want to be there but he does not care. He says my "family is dead to him." We had a really big fight about it on Sunday. I don't want to lose my spouse, but I don't want to miss out on this once in a lifetime event for sister either. An opportunity to support her. Do you have any suggestions?
AnswerHi Erica,
I really feel badly for you and this predicament in which you find yourself. If I were you, I would tell your husband the following:
"Honey, I am sorry that some members of my family do not treat you well. There is no doubt that their behaving in that way is wrong. However, they are still my family and I love them. I love them and I love you, but I am not going to cut ties altogether with them. I know you are not comfortable with them, so you do not have to be around them at all if you do not want to. I know you love me and would not want me to be unhappy, and I would be very unhappy if I was isolated from my family. I ask you to be supportive of my desire to be with my family because you know that I need this contact in my life. I do not consider this a choice between them and you. You are my priority, but I choose to love you and my family. I am not asking for your permission to go to be with them or have a relationship with them, I am telling you that I am going to have a relationship with them and I ask for you to be supportive of this."
Now Erica, if your husband cannot agree to this, then you have to face that he is controlling and manipulative, and that is not loving.It is very selfish indeed. What I want you to do is stand strong and determined in your intent to have a relationship with your family however you want -- it your right, and you do not need permission for this. Go to that wedding and have a great time, no matter what your husband says.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
Doctor Becky
