Supporting a Stroke Survivor: A Guide for Caregivers

Question
I have recently taken on trying to help my boyfriends mother who just had her second stroke. She has been sent home after convalescent care, after being in the hospital for 1 week and then about 10 days in convalescent care. I have no medical backround, but I wanted to help her get back home. They would not let her go home unless someone would be there to help her. I was trained for 3 hours on how to help her get around the house and in and out of bed, and taking a shower. She is not doing as well as she was in convalescent care, she does'nt like to bathe, now she has sores on and around her private areas. She was given a powder to put on these areas, also never wants to use. I am truly trying my best to take care of her, but she is getting harder to take care of. She and I have a past where her son and I were married, she loved me then, he became a drug addict and I could not take it anymore so we divorced. Since then she has hated me with a passion. Now that her son and I are giving it another try, she has still continued to hate me. But now I am all she has because her son works and can't take care of her by himself. She reluctantly accepted my help so she could get out of convalescent care. I think she is just using me, but I want to help her son so I am being very tolerant of the situation. She has been home a week, and we are finding she is a lot more work then we thought. Her other 2 sons are no help at all. My ? is, how do you know when its time to think about putting her in a home. There are other circumstances involved, to much to try and write here. I am also disabled with RSD, so I can only do so much. She is very stubborn and controlling, though now she is being very nice to me. I don't think she is going to ever be well enough to take care of herself again. She has a O.T. and a P.T visit her twice a week, and I sometimes believe they are making her think she will get well enough again to take care of herself.  Both her son and I don't know what to do, or which way to turn. We have not been contacted by a Social worker yet, and don't know how to find out about the Social worker. She can barely go to the bathroom or wipe herself and has a lot of accidents. I could go on and on.  HELP       Thank you

Answer
Deborah,

You have undertaken a very trying situation and you are to be commended for your efforts.

First of all she may not be doing as well as she was in the convalescent center because the people there were strangers and also they would not put up with things you might.

You need to check with the home health agency that is sending out PT and OT or discuss it with the PT/OT personnel to suggest that you may need an aide to come in and bathe her.  Her doctor may need to be involved in having an evaluation by a social worker through the Dept of Children and Family Services.  You did not say how old she is or what type of insurance she has.

I would really like to offer you more assistance but I do need more information.  I would be more than happy to discuss this in more depth.  You can e-mail me at dsc2148@aol.com.

Maybe your boyfriend needs to have a talk with her and explain that if she does not attempt to cooperate in her care that it may be necessary for her to be placed in a snf (skilled nursing facility).  It is so important for her to maintain good hygiene.  

Do not allow her to take advantage of her "feelings" toward you.  This is not a good situation for you or her.
I do not know all the details but with stroke victims the less they do the worse the situation will become.

Again, I am willing to help you but I do need more information.

Diane