QuestionI HAD A SUCTION ASPIRATION ABORTION LAST YEAR IN APRIL. (I WAS 21). THE THOUGHT OF WHAT I DECIDED TO DO HAUNTS ME DAILY. AND I CAN NOT LIVE WITH THE THOUGHT THAT I HAVE RUINED MY CHANCES TO HAVE CHILDREN SOMEDAY. MY PREVIOUS PARTNER WAS NOT SUPPORTIVE, AND HE, HIMSELF SEEKED THE SOLUTION. NOW THAT I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT AND WANT TO CONSIDER A FUTURE WITH MY CURRENT PARTNER, I FIND MYSELF IN TEARS NOT KNOWING IF I WILL BE ABLE TO BARE HIS CHILDREN ONE DAY.
THIS CONCERN COMES FROM HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX FREQUENTLY AND NOT BECOMING PREGNANT. I DON'T KNOW IF I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM BECAUSE OF MY ABORTION, OR IF IT IS HIM.
I DO NOT WANT TO SHARE MY PAST SECRET WITH HIM THOUGH, AND I CAN NOT FIND THE WORDS TO TELL HIM WHAT IS BLOGGING UP MY THOUGHTS.
PLEASE HELP SHED SOME LIGHT IN MY LIFE.
THANK YOU.
AnswerI'm sorry to hear that you were pressured into having an abortion last year, which you regret now. I deeply empathise with what you are feeling right now. On one hand, you are blaming yourself for what you were forced to do, and on the other hand, you are worried about the future. These worries are normal among women who have undergone abortions, and armed with the facts, you should be able to combat your fears.
The truth is that if your abortion was carried out by an experienced physician in a proper clinic, the chances that your uterus was perforated is less than one in a million. In fact, a previous childbirth is much more likely to endanger future pregnancies than a safe, uncomplication abortion especially if it was early-term.
Studies have proved that safe, uncomplicated abortion does not affect your ability to have a child in the future. In future pregnancies, it does NOT
* cause birth defects
* cause premature birth or low infant birth weight
* make ectopic (not in the uterus) pregnancy more likely
* make miscarriage more likely
* make the risk of infant death more likely
Becoming pregnant is almost like winning a small lottery, it's quite complicated. It may not seem that way to you because it happened by chance, once, but it's true. Everything has to be just right. You must have sex immediately before or during ovulation. Then, your ovum must be fertilized (doesn't always happen! It's like hitting bullseye on a dartboard!). After that, the fertilized egg (zygote) must travel correctly down the fallopian tube, and most difficult of all, implant itself into the thickened wall of the uterus. This happens only about 50% of the time!
This is why it takes most couples an average of six months to get pregnant after they begin trying in earnest. Most couples even use ovulation thermometers, charts etc to maximise their chances, not just having unprotected sex frequently. There is nothing to worry about until you have been trying to become pregnant for one whole year - after this time you may want to go to a fertility clinic.
You must try to come to terms with your abortion. It can be very traumatic to have a partner pressure you into taking such a huge step, and you must realise that you were not alone in that decision, so the blame cannot fall completely on you.
It was a whole year ago, and no doubt the circumstances were very much different, and having a baby with your previous partner probably felt scary and impossible to you. Perhaps you now feel that you should have not listened to him, gone ahead and had the baby anyway, that you could have managed by yourself somehow. It's hard to come to terms with such regrets, but you must try to forgive yourself.
You did not make the decision by yourself. You were pressured into it. And if you had had the baby, how do you feel about giving the baby a father who does not even want her? Having a baby with your previous partner would have brought on a lifetime of difficulty, because even if YOU end your relationship with him, your partner would have still been your baby's father - an unbreakable relationship. Maybe it is for the best that you didn't bring a baby into the world who would have had such a bad father.
Think of the person you were one year ago - younger, more naive, more innocent, and so scared. Think of her as your sister, someone you love who made a mistake because she felt pressured, and wasn't ready to have a baby with that man. Hold this image of her in your head, look at her with compassion and understanding.
That girl of one year ago has grown into a responsible and thoughtful individual. Be proud of that. And then forgive that other you. Just as you have left her behind along with her fear and immaturity, leave behind her mistakes as well. It is done. It is the past. Forgive her, and close the book.
Whether you tell your partner or not is completely your decision, but once you have forgiven yourself, you might find that it is easier to open up to him. If this man loves you, he will not judge you. He will know that what you did happened because of those circumstances - you are NOT an evil person, you are NOT a "baby-killer", you don't hate babies!
Embrace yourself now. You, who are now older and wiser, will be an excellent mother, hopefully soon. You must resolve to keep your mind and body free of negative thoughts and feelings. Concentrate on how you have grown to become a better person. Concentrate on loving your current partner. Concentrate on creating a new life with *this* man, a new life concieved in LOVE, not manipulation and pressure and unwantedness.
If you continue to have serious negative feelings, you may be experiencing depression. Try to join an online abortion support groups (though beware of ultra-religious groups that will only make you feel more guilty). If the negative thoughts persist, your doctor will be able to refer you to a counselor.
