QuestionQUESTION: My 18yr old who is very very young is pregnant; we are all devastated. I want to know: if she were to have an abortion now at a reputed clinic by an experienced team, what are the chances of her having fertility/miscarriage/pregnancy problems later on. I know there are no guarantees but I just want to know the odds. Also, what are the psychological effects of undergoing an abortion? Please help us.
ANSWER: Hi, Dee,
If you can find a reputed clinic and an experienced team, you are already way ahead of the rest of us. Obviously, there are experienced teams out there. But reputed is not the same thing as a clinic that meets local health standards. A good many of them don't. How will you find out? Beats me! Don't expect the well known abortion clinic chains, for example, to meet local health standards. Often they don't. Yes, they have the reputation. A good many practitioners are very fast, and can do an abortion in five minutes. These are five minutes that can change her and your life forever.
As for the psychological effects, they can be severe. The likelihood that a woman will die a violent death in the year following abortion is several times what it would be if she carries to term. She can decide to become careless with her life, and can start driving recklessly, become promiscuous, or resort to drugs and alcohol to hide the emotional pain from herself. Some women commit suicide. One of the women we were helping became suicidal, and another woman and I stayed up all night exchanging messages with her over the internet to keep her from doing it. I was never so scared in all my life! She and I have kept in touch, and at one point, she told me that her abortion ruined her life. Abortion can drive a wedge between you and your daughter, and it can last a long time. We told our children never to get involved in that; we'd disown them if they did! And they never did. Seriously, I wouldn't do that to a dog, let alone my daughter and grandchild! Obviously, I have a perspective, but it comes from having studied this issue for nearly 40 years.
On the other hand, some women act like they are emotionally normal after abortion. We say these women are in denial. Some women will be in this state all their lives. Who can say that there was any emotional damage? One psychiatrist said that such women usually pull away from feeling. I knew a woman who had this consequence. She had no emotions anymore. And sometimes something will suddenly bring a woman out of denial with no warning. I call this "being blindsided". The cause can be anything from seeing a movie, seeing young children the same age as her own would have been, reading a biology textbook with pictures, or a chance remark. And women who come out of denial can have lifelong regrets.
For more information about the emotional consequences, visit this web site: http://www.afterabortion.com/ . The woman who runs this site favors legal abortion, and she has had five abortions herself. There are extensive archives of discussions among women. If you can get access to that, you can read women's personal stories. Otherwise, there is plenty of other information there.
One of our sons had a baby out of wedlock. We didn't find out he existed until he was nearly a year and a half old. That was, from my standpoint, most disappointing, because I missed a year and a half of enjoying him. Obviously, it's not something I wanted for him, but it happened. Fortunately, both he and the mother are taking excellent care of him, and he is a fine boy, very good, very happy. We have five other grandchildren. We don't look at them any differently. I personally thanked his mother for having him.
I once faced the prospect of having an abortion myself. I didn't have it, but I did have horrible nightmares for months afterwards. I still remember some of them vividly, 30 years later. And I did have a medical condition. The man who would have done the abortion tried to lead me to believe I would die if he didn't operate. Well, I'm still here.
About the medical consequences, like the emotional consequences, they are no respecter of persons. They can happen to anybody. Since your daughter won't be making the decision here, this heightens the chance of adverse consequences emotionally. Medically, abortion can cause hemorrhage, which can necessitate a hysterectomy to save a woman's life. Or it could necessitate blood transfusions, and a woman could get an STD, hepatitis, or HIV from it. It can cause damage to other internal organs. It can cause scarring so that a woman can experience miscarriage or placenta previa (a condition that threatens her and her baby's life in a future pregnancy and often requires a Caesarian section). The chance of miscarriage in a future pregnancy is greatly increased. And the scarring can also cause the opening to a Fallopian tube to become smaller, so sperm can get through but the egg cannot, and this can result in tubal pregnancy, which is a death sentence for the baby and a life-threatening condition for the mother. It can cause labor in a future pregnancy to be prolonged. This can lead to Caesarian section, the leading cause of death in mothers who give birth. The incidence of tubal pregnancy is about 400% greater after an abortion. Sometimes when there is a tubal pregnancy, the abortionist won't diagnose it, and this can be life-threatening. I had a friend that happened to. Her tube ruptured. She came so close to death in subsequent surgery that she had an out of body experience. Sterility occurs in approximately 14% of women having one abortion. Don't be surprised if your daughter gets pregnant again right away. A substantial portion do so within a year. And if she has three abortions, her odds of becoming sterile are about 50%.
Abortion can also cause extreme prematurity in future pregnancies, which can result in mental damage to the baby, such as cerebral palsy. In the United States, the incidence of cerebral palsy is about double what it would be otherwise. The likelihood of that also increases by about 400%. Permanent damage to a woman's reproductive system occurs in about 1/3 of women. These figures come from studies done on medical papers from industrial nations.
One of my closest friends had two abortions, and she carried her next child, and he was born prematurely, and developed apnea. He had to be hospitalized for three weeks to save his life.
A woman can get a nasty STD from abortion, even HIV. Since many of the clinics do not properly sterilize their instruments, this is a real danger. Infection can also cause uterine scarring, and make it impossible for a woman to conceive in the future. I know of at least one clinic, run by feminists, who allowed the abortionist to operate even though they KNEW he had HIV.
Abortion disrupts a woman's delicate hormonal balance, and this can cause all kinds of problems.
Another danger they won't usually tell you about is the danger of breast cancer when a woman is in her 40's. The way this works is that pregnancy causes the cells in the breasts to begin to grow. But they don't become mature until the third trimester. In the meantime, if the pregnancy is ended, they stay in this state, and they are very susceptible to cancer. About 1/4 of the women who get breast cancer from prior abortion die from it. If it is a woman's first pregnancy, the risk is greatly increased. In that case, if there is a history of breast cancer in the family, getting breast cancer is a virtual certainty.
Another immediate consequence of abortion can be complications from anesthesia. This can cause death or deprive a woman of oxygen and then cause brain damage. Abortion can cause serious disability that isn't related to reproductive issues.
From a medical standpoint, abortion for social or personal reasons (which would be the case here), is poor medicine. You don't have a medical condition to counterbalance the risk, and no doctor who follows the precept, first do no harm, would do it. And in fact, to go back to your comment about experienced staff, they found in England that the more experienced practitioners caused more complications.
Let me address your concern about your daughter's immaturity. Sometimes having a baby changes all that drastically. I have seen young women really change their lives because they have a baby to protect and care for. Again, obviously, there are no guarantees. Don't worry about her education. If she wants one, she'll get one. You can certainly help and be supportive. I got my college degree when we had four children, three of them preschoolers. Sure, it makes things more challenging. But by far, the biggest challenge will be your attitude toward her.
You have every right to be upset. Give yourself time. I'm sure she is upset, too. But knowing what it's like to be the grandmother of a child born out of wedlock, I can tell you that there is no difference in the love I feel for him as opposed to the love for our others. And I have seen relatives of mine become very loving and supportive under similar circumstances. Unfortunately, there is pressure on a woman (and her family) to have the abortion before there is really time to sort things out. But you have time. Two weeks considering the issue won't materially affect her risks. In the meantime, research the issue on the internet. Find out what abortion is and what it does, about the development of your grandchild, and so forth. The decision to have an abortion must be your daughter's. If you go against her will, you are putting her seriously at risk for future emotional consequences. Make sure she knows the facts as well. Read both sides, but remember that the side that supports abortion will make money, so there's a conflict of interest problem.
Every woman who considers abortion should see an ultrasound. And so should you. A woman will find out all of these things afterwards. It is much better if she finds out while she still has a choice.
If you would like documentation for any of this, let me know. Good luck with your deliberations, and feel free to ask questions. If you do decide to let her carry to term, there is help available, which will help with financial and practical problems, and with emotional problems. This help is free or available for barter in most cases. You can talk to the staff and let them share with you about how the women mature when they face these challenges. Let me know if you need this type of information as well.
I am so glad you are researching this and not just jumping in and taking what seems to be the easy way out. Please be aware that there are NO easy answers to this situation, and some women don't mature, though many do. But abortion isn't an easy answer, either. I realize that this is mostly negative. But I hope it helps. Take care of your daughter, and keep her safe.
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QUESTION: Thank you so much for your prompt reply; at first reading I was furious but now it is sinking in; my daughter is adamant that she wants to keep this child; she has only known the chap for 10months but they are sure this is what they want; I met with his family yesterday and they are extrememly supportive of the young ones. as far as matters stand now, the -ves are they are both so young and have not known each other long, she will have to learn a new languauge and adapt to an new environment and this baby is unplanned. The +ves are that they are both sure, the boy's family are simple honest warm folk who want this 1st grandchild. My daughter tells me she has always only wanted to be a mum with lots of children and just be a mum. I guess God heard her prayers - just wished He had thought of me as well...
ANSWER: Hi, Dee,
Thanks so much for your heartwarming message!
I am not surprised that you were furious. I did pour it on very thick. But people really have no idea what a destructive thing abortion truly is. Those of us who work with women in these circumstances know that the first reaction most people have is to want to take the "easy" way out. But unfortunately, people need time to think and adjust. And the push to do an abortion while it is still "safe" seems to stand in the way of reflective thought, which is what such a life-changing circumstance really needs.
We have seven children. I decided never to interfere with their choice for marriage, and fortunately, none of them ever chose anyone I thought was obviously and completely unacceptable. I remembered how it was with my husband and me, that we talked about eloping if my parents didn't accept our decision to get married. Fortunately, they did (though my mother told me later that she thought I shouldn't marry him, but my response to that was that it was a little late to tell me that, because we had been married for a couple of decades). We've been married for 43 years, and our marriage just keeps getting sweeter. UNfortunately, some of our kids ended up getting a divorce, and in each case, it seems inevitable. In the case of our 19 year old (when she got married), she was committed for life, but he dumped her after 12 years. The main problem we have in our society is that we prolong adolescence, though people are ready physically and emotionally for marriage and family long before that. It's why so many babies are conceived out of wedlock.
Having to adapt to a different culture and language can pose problems, as we knew with two of ours, who married cross-culturally. Young people need to understand that adapting to a new culture isn't all that easy, and when there is stress, a person reverts to their own culture. This was a major factor in two of the divorces. We knew how they needed to handle the situation and would work with them, and as long as they were willing to try our remedies, things worked, but eventually they couldn't handle it anymore. So the best thing to do is to try to get the two young people to understand the cultural differences as thoroughly as they can. Regardless, this baby exists, and needs their protection. The only thing I think a mother can do is be patient and wait for life to work itself out. It might work out well for them, and we certainly should do everything we can to support them.
I pray your children will receive the richest blessings of God, and that they will be happy and prosperous together. Love them unconditionally. It's all we parents can do.
Perhaps God did think of you as well. You did reach out to get information, and you did contact me. :)
Feel free to write back any time, to vent, talk, ask questions, whatever you need to do. Take care!
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QUESTION: This exercise has been such a steep learning curve for us; I've been forced to take the wrapping off my prejudices and look into the box of humanity and what I have found has left me speechless. The family are Muslim and my perceptions and understanding of Muslims and their culture from several years of associating with them, frightened me. This is only as we are Hindus. But when I met with the family their liberal and multicultural attitude surprised, nay shocked me. I want to so believe them because my daughter is young and innocent and is very precious to me. But every time I look to see how they can be challenged and found to be less than honest, I come up with a blank. I don't want to believe this because I can't but if what they are saying is true, then my daughter has a good chance of being happy in their family.
Pray this is the case for us
AnswerHi, Dee,
About the sharp learning curve, I should say so! :)
The Muslim culture is a particularly difficult one for people who are not part of it, especially women. As long as your daughter and husband live in the west, there will be certain protections. It is important to let her know that it would be unwise for her to agree to move to a country that has a strong Muslim influence. The one exception may be Malaysia, although the situation should be watched closely. Certainly her intended and his family will support her desire to have a large family. The fact that they accepted her even though she and their son are not married and she has already conceived a child is encouraging. Encourage your daughter to learn as much as she can about the culture and to be objective about what she learns. She will need to know what to expect in terms of treatment by a Muslim husband. Some Muslims are definitely less than honest, and you are right to be concerned, but we can hope and pray that this family is as liberal as they have shown. This is why I think the best protection is to stay in a nation where there are many different influences and the Muslim influence is not predominant. The fact that this family is living in the non-Muslim world means, among other things, that there are also other influences in their lives. Unfortunately, Muslims also have strong influences, and often feel they have to capitulate. Get to know the family well. Recommend your daughter go slowly into this situation, and learn as much as she can as well. She should be aware of the very things you know that worry you. Encourage her to talk to you, and be receptive. The more you know about how she is viewing the situation, the better. It will help you to address your concerns, and express your reservations and discuss them. Be kind, and do a lot of listening. Be slow to react to what you learn, and speak softly and after much thought. She is old enough that she will make her own decisions, and has every right to do so. Rely on the training you have given her in the past. She will respond to it.
It would be a wise thing to discuss how the marriage will take place. I am assuming the family will want them to be married in a Muslim ceremony, and the question of who will plan the wedding will need to be resolved, because westerners usually allow the bride's family to plan the wedding. Will that family agree to allow your daughter and their son to participate in a Hindu ceremony as well? This may tell you a lot.
Anyway, those are my thoughts. This isn't an easy situation, obviously, but it is what you have been given. How you react now will have a lot to do with what influence you may be able to exert in the future.
My prayer is that if things are not as they seem, she will discover it. She may be drawn to the situation because she wants many children (which I think of as being a healthy attitude). Regardless, her baby is precious, and he or she is your grandchild. I will also be praying that things work out well for all of you.
I had a close friend who married an Arab. That was decades ago. They had three children. It has worked out well for them. It can happen. They live in the United States; he wanted to become a citizen. At one point, he actually renounced his father, though I don't know the story behind that. Once a person has entered another culture and adapted to it to some extent, it is very much an individual matter how he will react to a given situation.
Take care, and keep in touch!
