Navigating Healing After Infidelity: A Personal Reflection

Question
Hi Jill. My wife of almost 3 years now had an affair on me 3 months after our wedding. We had been dating and living together for 5 years before that. She was 22 at the time and I was 25. Since then the nightmares and panic attacks of her affair have really almost disapeared. Writing this letter a year ago would have through me into a depressed rage just thinking about it. I'm just going to ramble so I hope I make sense. I ask myself everday if I'm still in love her or have I really forgiven her. I don't know really what forgivness is now? Does it mean I accept it or does it mean I understand why? If that is the case I don't think I have. I still think about it every once and awhile it used to be every minute of every day. Jill I was a very shy person when we first met and well into our dating relationship. What is weird I have found an amazing boost of self confidence after she cheated. I've had heard it hurts your self confidence. I what your opinion though when I do the things I used to be scared to do I feel alot of anger when I do it. I think it is my way of confronting my fear of her adultry. I almost get a satisfaction doing the things I used to be afraid of like greeting strangers, job interviews, writing letters to the editor and signing my name on it. It's feels like a challenge. These may be little things but things I would not have done in the past. I feel like I've been reborn again. Is there such a thing as aggressive depression. I dont feel depressed but I do sometimes still. If that makes sense? I just wish things had worked out differently. We are still together so that must mean I'm healing some or have I just lost it. Thanks for your time Jill. Mark  

Answer
Dear Mark,
Yes, you are healing and growing as a person. There is such a thing as aggressive depression, although it is not normally stated that way. Depression is often a result of some real or imagined loss. Grieving over a loss involves several stages, among them is anger. People tend to feel both strong and out of control when they are angry and aggressive. If you have been shy most of your life, you probably utilize the strength of the anger to fuel you into doing things that you used to feel were beyond your capacity. The things you are doing with your anger are healthy and don't hurt anyone. In this way it is a healthy anger. Or put differently, a healthy assertiveness.
As far as forgiveness goes, it doesn't mean you have forgotten. Forgiveness is about releasing the resentment that resides in your heart. It is about letting go of the anger and pain that creates walls between yourself and others. There are several good books on forgiveness that might be worth reading. You can find some on my website, www.IntimacyMatters.com, under the books section. Just type "forgiveness" into the search menu.
It seems like you are really moving forward in a positive direction. I would encourage you to continue.
Respectfully,
Dr. Jill Morris