QuestionHi Rita
My fiancees house was on show this weekend and we had 15 visitors......soooooo hopefully it will be sold and the end of the drama will be nigh ! I truly believe my fiancee does support me. He has definitely chosen me and my daughter over his parents and now is "executing" the plan... He is in constant battles with them and lives on the property with them at the moment whereas I live an hours drive away........we do not see that much of each other in the week as I stay close to my daughters school. So ...nearly every evening there is something that he has to attend to with them. We actually are trying to figure out if they are on drugs (joke) or gone senile. It does not matter how many times we tell them that the offer is my place or the cash option (their original money backwith growth of 30% per annum for the 2 years btw ) .....it just is not sinking in. Just last night, they came and told him about a place up the road. He said well can you afford it ? (i,e, the balance between the cash we are giving back and the cost of the house).... oH no son, they say - (I believe his mum was smiling as she said this) - you must come up to the plate and buy this for us............ we had over an hour conversation with the NZ brother over the weekend (we are sleeping badly and went on line at 4:30AM for the call !!! 4:30AM !!!!!).......he is in agreement with us. Then he must have spoken to them (this is how nasty its got - we speak to the brother in NZ - they ignore us all the time - brother from NZ speaks to them and reports back to us !!!)..... The report back is that they dont want to stay in my place in case we split up.....there is no secuirity in it for them. They want their own place. OK - we understand.....here's your money - go. No no no no..... I dont think they explained to the NZ brother - that they actually want us to buy them a new house 100% ....... yikes. My fiancee has now written another e-mail to NZ to say ....hey we cant do what they want ......... I have suggested to my fiancee --- that he packs up a few things (and the dogs) and move into my place until the house is sold. it will be a bit hectic with three of us and 2 dogs, but anything to alleviate the stress for him....... he is looking terrible, we are both losing sleep and he is losing weight............ I feel they are just using us as their bread and butter and meal ticket...... they dont even speak to us anymore.......... why the hell would we want to live with them ... Grrrrrrrrrr !
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The text above is a follow-up to ...
-----Question-----
Hi Rita ... a few days later ..... and the drama continues....could you give me more advice....please.....
In-laws refusing to move into my home although they have little money of their own. They are making some silly excuses (No washing line, smaller cupboard space - although it has an extra bedroom) and some bonafide ones (stairs - she says she will battle as they are wooden and perhaps slippery - we have said we will carpet them and put extra railings, shower - we will install a shower we have said) .......there are some cons to moving into my place, but you know what there are some pros and you know what ITS FOR FREE TO THEM !!!!!!!!!!...... They have now got estate agents to take them to houses they would like to live in. These are way out of our price range....we cannot afford them an entry level house and now that are going to look at houses twice the budget we cannot afford. They have also gone to look at a house in the area we might be looking in.........but - get this - with a cottage for them. Fiancee and I do not even want to buy a house with a cottage !!!!! I phoned my not yet father in-law and advised him not to waste agents time looking for OUR house and to stop meddling in our new house and that we havent even finished deciding in what area to live (we have school to consider). I told him I felt that he had gone over the boundaries and that my fiancee and I were buying a new house not him. I am now the evil daughter in law....and have been told (via fiancee) I have disrespected them. Even though I have offered my house to them for free (we would be losing out on rental income in order to provide it to them for free). They are being so stubborn. As I said before, we felt we were being reasonable by offering them my house to stay in OR their money back (plus substantial growth as well btw)........... it has now come out that they feel that my fiancee owes them a place to stay. When they moved to his property 2 years ago (they sold their house and kept the profit to help them monthly) - my fiancee was battling with depression and anxiety (all better in last 12 months). They now feel they went "out on a limb" for him and he promised to look after them. I understand that, but they were also in the financial dwang then so it was a two way benefical arrangement. They are now making out they did him a favour and they are now the victims. I understand he promised to look after them , but we cannot look after them to their insane requirements. My house is available at a small monthly cost to my fiancee and me. They want us to buy them a house (their amount from the granny flat would be about 40% and we are expected to put up the balance. I am not sure who they expect to pay the legal fees) OR live with us. We cannot afford to buy them a placewithout getting ourselves in the financial dwang. With all due respects, they were in financial dwang 2 years ago. They have repeatedly made financial mistakes in the past (going to NZ, but cancelling their medical insurance) and I feel we are being made to mop it all up. They are being irresponsible. Now today - they are going to the insurance company to try and get some of their capital released to buy their own little place (entry level - will probably be a dump and a bad investment as they cannot afford much.....aha ! with stairs can you believe). Apparently, there was a huge rift years ago and my fiancee and them did not speak for many years. He feels like he will "lose" them again, but the only way to make them happy will ruin us financially (buy them their own place with our money) OR break us up (get another place with a cottage). After all this heart ache and anxiety (i had anxiety for 10 years and have "been clean" of anxiety for 12 months or so), I am even more convinced that living with them would be unhealthly for my new family.........The stress is getting to us big time......fiancee has just started new hectic job 01.11.2006 and I am due to start a new job.........plus all this drama ...and we have agents wanting to look at the property to sell and phoning and making appts all the time....surely a family is where we all contribute, I feel they are just contamminating it all........we have had to get the NZ brother involved as we are at our wits end....we've scheduled a phone call tonight.......apparently he has move "leverage" with the old people..........Please help asap. Thank you in advance. D
Date: 24/11/2006
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The text above is a follow-up to ...
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My fiancee and I have been dating for 18mths and presently live apart. We are planning to get married late next year. His dad used to be an alcoholic (not now) and they have sort of patched up their relationship. But there is a history there. Just prior to me meeting fiancee, the parents were battling financially on pension in another part of the country. It was then decided that they would put in a minimal amount to help built a granny flat on his property. They would then keep the money they got from the sale of their own property to assist them monthly. the problem is now we want to live together without them. this has been causing drama for 2 months and i am at the end of my tether. My main reason is that his dad and him do not get on at all. Fiancee gets into a bad mood whenever there is any interaction and this affects our relationship. His dad also digs inside our house when we are not there, pulls rude signs at my fiance and bosses us around. We end up being the scared 40 year old kids to this 70 year old ! I came from an abusive dad/child relationship and I feel myself regressing when in his presense. We have no privacy either. We have put my fiancee's house on the market and have suggested they move to my 2 bedroomed property (in a nice area). We thought we could afford to buy them their own place (with our money, no cash from them), but we cannot (if we want to have a life and have a baby - we already have my daughter). I am getting so angry and aggitated about this whole situation as they are refusing to move into my place. There is no real good reason. They already rejected the idea before even seeing my place. Today - they all came to see my place and the feedback I got was "there is no washline ".... I am furious. My home is good enough for me and my daughter and has been for 6 years. I feel they are ungrateful in view of the fact, they have NO MONEY for their own place. We are proposing they live in my place for free (as the mortage is extremely low and we can afford that)...... They have just got back from a 2 month trip to New Zealand to see their other son. It all seems unfair and as if they are ungrateful. I have kept out of the whole thing 100% as I feel it is not my issue to sort out. My fiancee also offered his dad a flexitime courier job to assist with their finances (they are threatening to cancel their medical insurance - but they've just got back from NZ ?). I feel that I am taking on overgrown, expensive children. They have also been sulking for the last month or two and visiting all the family (i would think to tell the family how we are putting them out on the streets)..... I am trying to understand they are elderly (68 and 70), but I feel like we are being taken for a ride. I have now put my foot down and said to my fiancee, that the offer is my house OR they get their money back that they invested in the cottage. I dont want to be do hard assed, but otherwise I dont see an end to this all. We have been talking about it for months and they are all scared to make a decision in case someone gets hurt. BUt we are all hurting anyway ....HELP HELP.
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Hello Denise,
You have done everything possible for them.If they cancel their insurance,so be it.It is not your responsibility.
Inform them that the two of you have your own lives to live and they can either move into your apartment, with you helping them or move in with a different relative..Put your foot down.Contact the other siblings and inform them that either they talk to them and help get them moved out or they are coming to stay with them!
They may be elderly but they are very rude and inconsiderate.You and your fiance are the ones suffering here.They don't care what they are doing to your lives.
If they collect social security,suggest a nursing home.After hearing that,they will probably jump at the chance to move into your apartment.
I hope one of the ideas above helps.
Rita
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Dear Denise,
You are not the "evil" daughter-in-law.You have the patience of a saint!! Is your fiance standing up for you in this at all?I know he doesn't want to lose them, but you both have done more then your share for them.
Talk with their other son tonight.Explain the situation.They either take your apartment with your financial help or they are on their own.That you can not afford any other situation with them and that if they do refuse, they are coming to live with him or will be on their own.Let them use their insurance,you don't have control over them and they are going to do what they want to.
Enough is enough.
You and your fiance have had anxiety in the past and all this will bring it back.Neither of you are disrespectful.You have shown them loving care and compassion.But,you have your lives to go on with.
All this stress they are putting you both under is not good for your relationship.Are they deliberately trying to break the two of you up?It sounds to me as if they are.You are in their way and they know that if you were not there,he would do everything he could for them because of his guilt for problems in the past.
He has to make a choice.You or them.His life can move on with you or stagnate with them.
You also have a decision to make.Do you want to live the rest of your life under these conditions?You are wearing yourself out emotionally.If he can't take control of the situation now,what will happen in the future when other problems arise with them?
QUOTE FROM YOUR LETTER
"I phoned my not yet father in-law and advised him not to waste agents time looking for OUR house and to stop meddling in our new house and that we havent even finished deciding in what area to live (we have school to consider). I told him I felt that he had gone over the boundaries and that my fiancee and I were buying a new house not him. I am now the evil daughter in law....and have been told (via fiancee) I have disrespected them."
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You seem to be the one doing all the talking with them about this.Where is he in all this?Besides telling you that you have shown disrespect,just where does he stand?
Sit back and take a good long look at the situation.If he can't put his foot down now with his parents,where will you be in another year? Still battling with them I would say.
I hope the talk with his brother will help,but I wouldn't expect much.
Rita
AnswerHi Denise,
Move the b/f into your apartment.Inform them that he is not doing anything else.Once the place is sold-THEY have to move.Call the brother back and tell him what your money situation is and if they want a better place then you can afford-have him pay the difference.If he won't,then he better explain to his parents that once the place is sold,they will be on their own.That's it! I am glad your b/f has chosen you over them.
Go with your idea.Enough is enough.They are just using and abusing the both of you.
Once he is moved in with you,keep your distance from them.Check on them by phone occasionally.You have done more then enough for them.
Rita
