QuestionHi,
I know you have a lot of other questions to answer,;) so I'll get right to the
point. I have been married for a year. Before I got married my husband(then
boyfriend)secretly confessed that one summer his older cousin(female of 26 yrs
old) touched him sexually when he was only 16.To me, it seems as if he was
molested.... when he told me I just thought maybe they were both horny... or
exploring, i guess. But now that i give it lots of thought.... he shuts himself
completely. He seems not that interested in sex and when he somewhat is, He
likes when i initiate.(or else he will go limp) He won't communticate with me.(I
know men typically don't lol) but he just hates confrontation, so he says. we
don't argue. he will just give me the silent treatment when I ask what is wrong.
I really try to understand his withdrawl.(emotionally) I think it may have to do
with his past. Is his cousin considered a female perpretrator? And if so, is
that the cause of his withdrawl and lack of intimacy? Should he seek
professional help? he never touches that subject neither do I, but it is really
affecting our marriage.
Thanks I hope you can clear my mind,
Giselle"
AnswerHi Giselle,
You certainly have my sympathy for what you are going through. Yes, I guess the cousin would be considered a perpetrator legally. How that incident affected your husband only he could say for sure. In some people it would be devastating and with others it wouldn't make a difference at all. It sounds like it may be effecting him sexually, but perhaps the sexual issue comes from somewhere else. I understand the trouble also is that he won't talk to you about it and shuts down.
Shutting down is very common in marriage, and it is also a marriage killer. The lack of confrontation and all of that must be dealt with, or I predict you'll just get more and more frustrated, and down the line you may be tempted to give up. I suggest you go online and read about the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," a concept created by Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington. (Gottman is one of the most respected researchers in the world on marriage, so he knows what he's talking about.) The "four horsemen" are behavioral predictors of who will get divorced -- shutting down is one of those predictors. Show this to your husband so that he can understand how serious it is. Then, you two need to go to a marriage counselor who will help untangle why you two are not able to communicate openly. Yours is an issue that cannot be solved by an advice column alone.
I hope this information helps. Good luck to you, my dear!
Doctor Becky
