QuestionI had a missed miscarriage at 15 weeks but did not find out until I was 18 weeks. I am still carrying the dead fetus because I am scared to go through the procedures of taking it out. I keep believing it will expel naturally and I will start bleeding and then I will go to the Emergency Room. I am 43 years old and have two beautiful boys ages 13 and 8. My girlfriend told me to stop being so selfish and get it done before my children lose their mother. Please advise. I would really like to hear your opinion.
Thanks in advance,
Shelly Bertucci
AnswerHi Shelly
When I read your email I have to say that I had a lump in my throat, it took me back to how I felt when I realised that I had miscarried.
It's frightening enough having to deal with the loss of a baby, but to then have to go through a surgical procedure to remove it is heart-wrenching. For me, I guess I wanted to hold on to a tiny bit of hope that my dates were wrong and that I wasn't as far gone as thought. I also thought that I was doing my passed baby an injustice by having it removed surgically, it would almost feel like a termination.
I had the D&C boked in but did start bleeding and lost the embryo naturally, but I ended up having to have surgery anyway due to uncontrollable bleeding.
You are in no way being selfish, it's how you are dealing with it & it's certainly not uncommon to feel the way you do. I'm delighted to hear you have two smashing sons, they need their Mum to be healthy & happy.
It's important that you get yourself sorted so you can get on that road to recovery & look at moving on. Moving on doesn't mean you have to, or will, forget. It's something that is inevitable and must be done. Guilt can play a big part as well, but this will pass. The problem with waiting for a miscarriage is that you never know when or where it'll happen. For some women they happen very quickly and suddenly, this can be awful if you're out somewhere & suddenly start to bleed heavily. At 15wks the foetus is around the size of an orange, so I'm actually concerned about the effects of a natural miscarriage physically & emotionally. 2nd trimester miscarriages are normally medically managed to protect the health of the Mother.
We'd love to pass our babies naturally but the reality is that it's distressing, unpleasant & problems can occur.
Another issue is health. Everything will probably be breaking down now & there's a risk of infection. This would make you very ill and you'd be risking your own life.
I tried to take a practical point of view & removed myself from the situation, I cut off my emotions as I knew I had to. I got myself into the mindset that it had happened & to make myself better and move on I had to do the right thing & have the surgery. I knew that by doing so, I would be able to look at closing the chapter in the view to moving forward with my life. Holding on would prolong the pain & fear.
Make an appointment with your ob/gyn or doctor and have a chat with them about your feelings & your options. 15wks is an 'inbetween' time as you may be offered a D&C or a D&E, where you'll actually give birth to your foetus. There's more info here: http://www.pregnancyloss.info/2nd_trimester.htm
You do need to see someone ASAP as the longer it's left, the more you are putting your health at risk.
Give your lads a hug, take a deep breath and take the bull by the horns. If you feel like you want to, take a picture of your tummy (or get a friend to do this) a a memento.
I hope this has helped you a little & wish you the best of luck. My thoughts are with you & I'm here if you need to talk or would like any advice.
Kindest Regards
Sarah
