QuestionHi. I am a woman in her twenties, who has always known that motherhood was not for me. To be perfectly honest, I have always viewed children as a burden. In my view, children often hold women back from achieving their full potential. Since women are the ones in our society who are the primary caretakers of children, their careers often suffer because they do not have the same amount of time or energy to devote to them. This is one of the reasons we do not see more women in leadership positions (i.e. politics). On top of that, I don't see why any woman would want to put her body through nine months of pregnancy and the excruciating pain of labor and childbirth. I know that I am in the minority with my view (even most feminists have or want to have children at some point). I do not wish to impose my views on other women, and am glad that we are all free to make our own choices. However, I am tired of being made to feel like a bad person just because I do not want to have children. Truth be told, I don't even like kids! I find them to be quite annoying! Like when I'm trying to have an adult conversation with a friend, and we are constantly being interrupted. Or when you have to watch every word you say, because kids are within earshot. Or when you are at a nice restaurant and are paying for a good meal or at the movies and unruly kids are causing a distraction. Whenever the topic comes up and I admit that I do not like or want children, people either react with horror and dismay or say something patronizing like "oh honey, you are still very young. You will change your mind one day". This REALLY upsets me!
Just the other day I was talking to a friend of mine (she is a new friend, we haven't known each other very long) about the abortion issue. I was relieved to learn that she is also pro-choice. However, like many people she is reluctantly pro choice. She feels it needs to be legal, but doesn't personally like the idea of abortion and doesn't feel she could have one herself. That is fine, but when I said without hesitation that I would have one if I were ever in that situation, she was very surprised! I explained that I couldn't handle it physically or mentally, and that I knew I wouldn't be a good mother. A lot of women just have children because that is what is expected of them, and don't really think about whether or not they would be a good mom. There is more to being a good parent than just being able to provide the basic necessities of life for a child. For example, I do not handle stress well, get overwhelmed quite easily, and am anti social (with some reclusive tendencies). In other words, I prefer to keep mostly to myself, and avoid interacting with others (outside of my close knit, small circle of friends) whenever necessary. Having a child forces you to be more social and to interact with others. To name one example. I also need a lot of space, and really value peace and solitude (something mothers of small children don't get a lot of). Anyway, she said that she was surprised someone like myself, who seems so kindhearted and caring would have no qualms about having an abortion. I don't know if you have found this to be true also, but I find that even most pro-choice people view abortion as a negative or "bad" thing. A "tragedy". But I do not. I'd rather a woman have TEN abortions, than bring ONE child into this world that will be unloved, neglected or abused. I know that I would probably be neglectful, and could possibly even resent the child if I felt forced into continuing the pregnancy against my will. Another thing was she said that it would be different when the child was my own, because my "maternal instinct" would kick in. I told her I didn't have one! She said I did and just didn't know it. How frustrating! How does she know? I think I know myself better than she knows me. And the comment about me being so caring and kindhearted hurt. I AM a caring and kindhearted person, and the fact that I don't like or want kids doesn't change that. Or does it? Does it make me a bad person because I hate kids and want nothing to do with them? Honestly, it would be fine with me if I never saw one again! I've always felt abnormal (even growing up) because I wasn't like the other girls. They always talked about getting married and having a family, like playing with dolls, playing house etc. None of those things ever appealed to me. And even now, I notice how females will react when they see a baby or a small child. They ooh and ahh, and say "oh my god, he's SO cute" and want to hold and cuddle him/her. And I just want to get out of there! I don't want it to spit up all over me or something! And I HATE listening to babies cry! Don't get me wrong. I don't like to see children being abused in any way, and I get just as upset as the next person when I hear tragic stories about them being kidnapped and killed. They are innocent and defenseless, and I don't like to see people hurt them. But I just don't care for them. I feel there is some sexism going on here, because I feel certain that if I were a guy this wouldn't be an issue. And what's up with all these so-called "pro choice" people who view abortion as a necessary evil? I've heard so many of these people who call themselves pro choice call abortion selfish, murder etc Am I selfish because I don't want to have kids? I'm starting to feel as though there is something wrong with me. Like I'm a bad person and maybe not a "real woman" or something because of these feelings. And what do you think of "maternal instinct"? Is it real? Is it something all women have? Maybe if I had a baby my feelings WOULD change. After all, what kind of person wouldn't be able to love their own child? Certainly not a kindhearted and caring one, the type of person I've always prided myself on being. I wish I didn't feel so alone. I wish I could find some on-line group or something of other women who feel the same way. I can't be the ONLY woman who feels this way, can I? I feel alone and ashamed and like I am "defective". So many people over the years have made me feel this way. After being told that I'm "abnormal" for so long, I'm beginning to believe it. Thank you.
J.B.
AnswerHi J.B. :)
You may be in the minority, but you're far from alone. Not only is referring to you as "honey" or "sweetie" demeaning, but to tell you you're wrong is unacceptable. You can always respond in a joking way, like, if you use birth control, "yea if I ever miss a pill" or "IUD hasn't slipped out yet." Whatever you use, if anything. It can be super frustrating dealing with responses like that, so every now and then if you want you can have a little fun, at their expense.
Not to mention the women who have kids not because they truly want them, but because it's expected of them. That's a 24/7 job for 20 years. Not something to tell people to get into if they don't truly want it.
First of all, your friend shouldn't say that. So many women say the exact same thing "I'll never have one" and guess what happens? Isn't it funny how some one who doesn't want kids, you, is able to recognize that a kid needs more than just basic necessities? They need emotional care, as well.
I will not tolerate framing of abortion, by pro-choicers, as a tragedy. Is it for some women? Yes, it is. Is it for all? No, and how dare they silence the voices of so many in order to try and get these misogynist anti-choicers on our side. Throwing women under the bus-the anti-choicers do enough of that. Oh, and one of my favorites? "it's not like women use it as birth control!!111!!11" Um, abortion IS birth control lmao. And who cares?
See, you don't dislike kids in the way anti-choicers like to believe. Here you are, not wanting them, comfortable with abortion, but you don't want more unloved and neglected kids. You truly do care about life-the woman/girl's, and also the pregnancy they're carrying. You care beyond what happens in utero-what happens to the kid after birth. The antis stop caring after the birth. No money to afford food and housing? Shouldn't have had the kid. But if you didn't have the kid, you're an evil slut. Try winning in that situation.
It's also rude about the maternal instinct. Um, no. And so what? Does that mean you have to live your life by what "instincts" tell you? Should a heroin addict follow her instinct to use more heroin, eventually overdosing? But the "maternal instinct" thing needs to stop. It makes out that all women will eventually want kids, and anyone who doesn't is abnormal. Ask her if men who don't want kids are abandoning their paternal instinct. Takes two to make a baby.
Of course there's sexism. It's there in just about every damn aspect of our society :( Do you see the media ever harassing George Clooney about not having kids yet? hell no. But Jennifer Aniston is apparently withering away without a man or a kid.
Don't ever think you're selfish, abnormal, or not a "real woman." Anyone who makes you feel that way or tells you you are is operating under the patriarchy. They too have been inundated with the belief that all women want kids. And some of them will stay that way. Some of them will become pregnant (because, as much as antis like to believe there's some magic way to prevent an unwanted/planned pregnancy) and accidents will happen. They'll not be ready, and they'll abort. I have no idea what's selfish about "kids deserve the best in life, and I can't provide that, so i won't have them." More like selfless. And yea, if you did have a baby, you would most likely love it. That won't mean you wouldn't have post partum depression, or be able to tolerate temper tantrums, angsty teens, and dumb young adults.
Check these out (and if you want book reccomendations, let me know)
http://community.livejournal.com/young_and_cf/
http://youngandchildfree.blogspot.com/
http://www.thechildfreelife.com/
http://www.happilychildfree.com/
http://www.childfree.net/
http://www.child-free.com/
