QuestionHi Pat. I had an abortion in October. I was devestated and my boyfriend was not very supporitve - although he thinks he was because he went with me. I'm not a huge fan of using abortion as a means of birth control but I did it because I am in the middle of a long-never ending divorced and have 3 great children who are handling the divorce well but I think a new sibling of a man they have never met would be too much. I just found out I was pregnant again. I am seriously dumbfounded and I am 37 years old. I have been on the pill and he pulls out in addition. I was briefly on antiobiotics for a couple days but I dont think I even saw him during that time. I really do not want to do this again and I am scared to death to go through with another abortion. I honestly do not think I would be able to handle it mentally...but how would my children or his (he has 1 child) handle this? I realize all throughout the rest of my life our children would look at me as a tramp. He is also in a custody battle with his ex because she jumps from man to man with their daughter so I am defintley not going to help his case. I'm not realy worried about the rest of the world - other than my career being a single mother, I would like to switch jobs but I am in a high end sales job and not to sure how being a newly pregnant, newly divorced (hopefully within the month it will be final) with a brand new baby would be a good thing to say the least. I know this all sounds so shallow but to me it is real and I feel like either way I go I am not going to be able to handle it. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
AnswerHi, Chris,
I'm really glad you asked, and that you told me enough so that I could really respond specifically.
Lots of men think they're being supportive if they'll go to the abortionist with the mother, but most women I have talked to really seem to consider that a form of abandonment. I would be inclined to agree with that.
Children are surprisingly adaptable. They will learn to accept their half sibling. As for the relationship with the man, you are probably seriously thinking about this at this point, and I would encourage that.
Also, I think the main thing that is important to them is that you are their mother, not that you are or are not a tramp. This is especially true if you change your life so such an accusation would no longer have any shades of truth to it. It seems to me you are looking for love, and you're not just sleeping around, but only you would know the answers to such questions. At this point, you are pregnant, so the issue of what was, or what happened is water under the bridge. The question now is where do you go from here. Another thing to consider is how they would react if you had an abortion. It is pretty well established that children will either sense something is wrong, and then feel insecure, or they'll find out, and they'll be insecure because they'll be afraid that if they don't measure up, you'll get rid of them, too, or they'll feel survivor guilt. This is their sibling. Another problem is how you will react emotionally, and to what extent you will be able to carry on with your life if you do have another abortion. That's not a given. Many women react badly, and it sounds like you already have, and could use some help in healing emotionally from your previous experience. Another problem some women face is that they find their mothering skills take a battering from having had an abortion.
If you don't want an abortion, don't have one! I agree that you should be very concerned about having one, because abortions ARE dangerous. There's no sense taking that kind of chance, especially given that you already have other children to take care of.
I don't know that much about your job, obviously, Our society does tend to frown on women having jobs that involve contact with the public or potential clients in a pregnant condition. The first thing I think I'd do would be to look for some very fine and formal suits that will allow for your pregnant condition. We will continue to have problems with not being accepted as long as we acquiesce without a fight. I don't know what your employer will do, but if he tries to coerce you in any way, you can get legal help to stop him.
Think about Hunter Tylo, the actress who plays or played in the soap opera The Bold and the Beautiful. She became pregnant, and her employer ordered her to get an abortion. She refused, and sued, and won. She continued in her role, pregnant, and they shot her so that she continued to fill the role she was playing. I watched those episodes, and they did an excellent job. She makes a very good role model. All of us should take heart. It IS possible to stand up to society's condemnation and employers' bad attitudes.
You are also obviously facing some practical difficulties. The best thing to do is to go to a crisis pregnancy agency, let them know what you are facing, and get their help. That's what those agencies are there for, and they can provide all kinds of help. Here is a list of such agencies: http://www.pregnancycenters.org/ You can either talk to them online, by phone, or find a local agency.
I would really like to stay in touch for as long as you need me. Feel free to ask questions any time, or write me just to vent.
Your child is depending on you for your protection. Please protect your baby.
Take one day at a time. You are a lot stronger than you think.
Good luck with this, and stay safe!
