QuestionQUESTION: I was date raped by my so called ex boyfriend and well then raped again when I told him I was pregnant and well, he threatened to kidnap, starve and beat me so my baby would die or force me to go to an abortion clinic, which I had planned on just calling the police on him if that had happened, because I didn't want one and thankfully, I got out of the car and went to walmart after he had been driving me around for like three hours to get a cash advance to get him about $400, and thankfully, I called the police on him and I caught a cab back to my mom's house, however, long story short, my pregnancy was supposed to be a secret but my dad found out because I told him just to get empathy for what was done to me, but there was no true empathy. Then eventhough I told my brother to keep my pregnancy a secret my grandmother pressured him into telling her. Anyway, I had been overwhelmingly stressed out working like 30 hours per week and a full time college student with like two tests per week sometimes and a little depressed and even more depressed because of hormones when I was pregnant and nauseous and because of the traumatic experiences I had had, I especially wanted my child to live just so I would have someone or something that someone couldn't take from me at least until I had carried it to term or to viable prematurity, and I had even vaguely considered adoption as as being feasible and unfortunately, I panicked and was fearful of having a miscarriage and so I had been staying on campus in my lonely dorm room and just wanted my mom to come over and help me eat(by cooking some soup for me and just for emotional support) which she said she didn't understand, so then I hasteningly went to my grandma's house who pretended to care at first by fixing me soup and pretending to be empathetic and then one day when she was drinking, she just turned on me,and I protested a few times and tried to shock her into what she was trying to do to me, and I sarcastically told her to call the people so she could take the baby out of me and put it in her so she could go it an abortion and so she called and I was shocked but instead of just standing my ground I caved to my fear that my child would die anyway though miscarriage and then I didn't even get proper counseling, which unfortunately didn't fight hard enough for or to see my ultrasound and had a two day wait, which one of them i had a test and my grandma siad I couldn't go to counseling becuase that would scare me and it was so cold and I didn't have a car, so had a surgical abortion of my 8 1/2 week wanted child about a year and a half ago, all because I was scared that it would die through miscarriage and I didn't feel like being suicidal like I had been only about four months before, and yes, I became suicidal about two months later again how sad and ironic. If I had only switched to online classes my overwhelmingly stress level would have been reduced and I wouldn't have had to worry about throwing up in class or being late because of throwing up and my fears would have lessened, but I just second guessed myself and took on too much.
Thankfully, I have gotten help from healinghearts.org about the lost of my child, and I getting closer to God and sometimes, I just have to listen to gospel music constantly all day just to not to focus on the injustices about how my child died and other things but especially about that.
Anyway later I found out that I had low grade lesions of hpv and then went back and got a more invasive look to see if they had worsened but they hadn't so I was advised to go back and get more pap smears more frequently but I didn't because I had gotten tired of so many such personal invasive things. And then also back then I had been wanting to die and thought that if I possibly could get cervical cancer from hpv than that would be an easy way out for me. I had a three week checkup after my abortion and the doctor didn't say anything was wrong, but they didn't seem to care anyway about me as a whole person, he had asked how I was doing emotionally afterward but not beforehand,So I have heard that women who have abortions are more susceptible to having weak cervix and are put at a higher risk for having miscarriages in the future, so I was wondering if I could go to get regular pap smears etc, to ascertain if my cervix was weak ?
ANSWER: Hi, Rene,
Oh wow! Thanks for telling me all that! It sounds like you are really struggling with your emotions, and it won't be an easy thing to resolve all that, but it is possible. It is good that you are getting some help now.
This reminds me of something someone told me years ago. She is opposed to abortion, and one day she went to the waiting room of an abortion facility, and sat and talked to the women, and she learned that the abortion they were planning to get was the LEAST of their problems. Your story reminds me of what she said so much!
Please continue to get help from Healing Hearts, and keep praying and reading the Bible, especially Psalms. I think some of them will really resonate with you. And yes, listen to Gospel music as much as you need to. It will get less painful over time. Just pray to God that He will ease your heart, and assure you of His forgiveness. Forgiving yourself is really hard for a lot of people. Ask God to help you do that. You aren't able to do it on your own. Are you able to accept that God has paid for your abortion and has forgiven you? Let me know, because I can talk about that.
As for your cervix, the reason it might be weak is because of many micro tears that are caused by forcing it open at the beginning of a surgical abortion. This cannot be seen with a Pap smear. Whether or not a doctor would be able to look inside with a small camera or some other device and see the damage, I don't know, but it seems possible. I should tell you, however, that if you become pregnant, and you tell your doctor you have had an abortion, and you are concerned about having a weak cervix, then your doctor should tell you how to tell if you are likely to go into early labor, and should also be willing to fasten your cervix shut to prevent a miscarriage. If you get a satisfactory answer, then you have found a good doctor, but if not, then find another doctor. Probably Healing Hearts can point you to where you can find one, or you can go here:
http://pregnancycenters.org/
Also, about the depression and such, you may be experiencing a chemical imbalance, or a form of malnutrition. Some things you can do include refraining from eating or drinking anything with particularly harmful substances, such as artificial sweeteners and monosodium glutimate. One of the things I learned is that MSG had damaged my adrenal glands. Normally, the adrenal glands are supposed to manufacture gamma linolenic acid. When they have been damaged, they don't produce enough. If I experienced a panic attack, and took a supplement with GLA in it, it would clear up the problem very quickly. Sources of GLA include evening primrose oil and borage oil. You'd be amazed at how damaging some of these substances can be to your state of mind. Also, if you have been prescribed a psychotropic drug, you may want to seriously consider discontinuing it. Get a copy of the Physicians Desk Reference and look up the drug they gave you. Many of them CAUSE depression. See if you can find a doctor who will treat you with natural methods instead. You can probably find one by looking at the web site of the American College for the Advancement of Medicine. A lot of them specialize in chelation, but that's not the major issue here, in all probability. Anyway, it's worth a try. Here is their web site: http://www.acam.org/
From now on, take one day at a time. Make it a point to do something for someone else, see if you can manage to be out with people. Find some really good friends. You haven't had a lot of luck with this with your own relatives. When someone doesn't get the love and nurturing at home, then they look for it in the wrong places. I suspect you sensed your family members' own detachment from you long before it blew up in your face.
I will pray for you. Feel free to keep in touch. Take care.
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QUESTION: Thanks for the information about ascertaining about a weak cervix if I get pregnant again. Yes, I have accepted Jesus' forgiveness for my abortion and other sins, I am seeking to get to know him more as my personal Lord and Savior, because before when I was growing up I sought to know Jesus but there was a barrier, because my dad was so hard on me requiring me to be perfect and brainwashing me, so I was legalistic, so now it has been hard for me to distinguish between God's character and my earthly dad's. But I am trying everyday, and just give Jesus all of my hurts and get to know him better. I am staying with a nice Christian family, who are a lot nicer and less dramatic then my family. I like spending time with them and the people I have meet through them. I only spend time with positive people now who care about me and don't try to hurt me and I won't let someone hurt me anymore just because I feel sorry for them because they have issues. I have been out of school for about 7 months and am not working because I need to pay attention to myself and find healing from Jesus. I will be going to school again in the fall to a school which is a lot less stressful and not all year round. I was taking Citalapram, but stopped around like January because I didn't want a bandaid for my pain anymore and also it seemed to be affecting me adversely anyway like causing me to have headaches evenmore when I didn't eat. Now I am medicine free, and yes I do realize that I get more depressed when I don't eat regularly. Yeah, so I guess splenda is bad and drinking soda is too? Also I have heard of the increased risk for breast cancer related to abortion, and on this website http://www.abortionbreastcancer.com/abc.html , I learned that eating broccoli and cauliflower can help lower my risk for breast cancer because it is converted to DIM which is Diindolylmethane in the stomach. The article also states that DIM is available in pill form, as a nutritional supplement. What do you think about taking such supplements, would you suggest taking nutritional supplements which contain DIM?
AnswerHi again, Rene,
Thank you for this detail as well.
When a father isn't a mirror of the character of God, we tend to have a distorted picture of Him. Been there, done that. My dad wasn't an evil person, but he was cruel enough to cause problems. He didn't intend to be. He thought he was being conscientious. But nobody had ever showed him how to be a father. Don't try to get to know God better, or give Him your hurts. Just tell God that you need His help to do this, and turn it over to Him. I am sure you will take it back and have to do it all over again. Go out and look at the beauty God made for you, and appreciate it. Think about how such a wonderful God gave us all this beauty. I don't care if it's a sunset, a flower, or even a tiny bug. All are remarkable and beautiful.
You should find something to do besides just sit around and contemplate yourself. The best thing you can do right now is volunteer to help those who need you.
I'm glad you stopped taking Citalpram. You are right. And make sure you do eat. If you need to do this to make it appetizing, learn how to cook delicious food. There are all kinds of recipes online. Don't be afraid to try the cuisine of other countries. Most of them have wonderful food. Yes, stay away from Splenda and soda. Sugar also causes depression. But the artificial sweeteners are very bad. Eating broccoli (less so cauliflower) is good for you because it contains antioxidants. Some supplements are helpful, but they get expensive, so choose wisely. I am not familiar with Diindolylmethane. There are other sources of antioxidants that are much more powerful. I have been drinking acai berry juice. The most powerful antioxidant I know is aronia berry, if you can find it. I was able to find a source online. For preventing breast cancer, getting adequate Vitamin D has been recommended. Most of us don't get enough. Being out in the sun produces Vitamin D, but you have to have skin exposed, and you have to stay awhile. Work to tan rather than burn, but don't use anything on your skin. If you live in the southern part of the United States, where there is plenty of sun (the southwest, primarily), a half hour a day would be good, though if you have darker skin, you need more. If you live in northern states, or states where it is cloudy a lot (notwithstanding that ultraviolet rays go through clouds), you will probably need more. To the best of my recollection, Dr. Mercola has information about this. I am familiar with the breast cancer site, and it's a good one. I only disagree on one point. Mammograms are not a good idea. Dr. Mercola talks about better detection methods. You can find his web site here: http://www.drmercola.com/
Do make sure you get adequate protein, and make sure to get animal protein, because among other things, a vegan diet is deficient in some very important nutrients.
It sounds like you are on the right track. Keep in touch!
