QuestionQUESTION: I was raped a few weeks ago and have discovered I am pregnant. I am 47. Can I have an abortion without my doctor knowing about it?
Thank you for any help you can give me.
ANSWER: Hello, Georgia,
First let me express my sorrow for what happened to you.
In answer to your question, I guess it depends on whether you want to take an unnecessary risk with your life. Your doctor SHOULD know. What if you suffer a complication? From the sound of things, you will seek a surgical abortion. All abortions are dangerous and can have long term consequences. You have been violently invaded once already. Why would you seek to be violently invaded again? That doesn't make any sense to me.
You said you are pregnant. That means that you are carrying a baby. That baby is also YOUR baby. Your baby is depending on you for your protection. He or she doesn't deserve to die a violent death for the crime someone else committed against you. I understand the circumstances are unusual, so to speak, but at the same time, there are better answers. Abortion could cost you your life.
I have had some personal experiences that may be relevant. First, a lot of women think that looking at their baby will remind them of the rape. I had a relative I really didn't like. When my youngest son was born, I was dismayed to see that he had this man's nose. You might say I was horrified, for maybe a couple of days. After that, I never noticed it! I am so thankful for that child, with whom I didn't want to be pregnant in the first place. He has been an incredible blessing to us. And it wasn't easy, because I was physically tired, and the birth was rough.
If this is really a problem, you can choose adoption. But give this some careful thought.
I also know three women who were raped and got pregnant. Of the three, two kept their babies. They are both doing splendidly. One was gang raped while she was walking in the neighborhood. She hid her pregnancy from her parents for months, not hard because she was overweight. She didn't want an abortion. She had her son, and they raised him together until she was old enough to take care of him herself. And now she is happily married. The other one has eight children, and of those children, the one she's closest to is the one who came from the rape. The other woman had an abortion. She was afraid her parents would kill her, literally. There was some cause for concern because she is Asian. But since that time, her personality changed, and she became ugly and violent, and her parents have no idea what went wrong. She has been in and out of mental hospitals, and she apparently cannot have a close relationship with anyone. It destroyed her marriage, and she apparently cannot have children.
If you can, get ahold of a book called Victims and Victors edited by David Reardon. If your library doesn't have a copy, perhaps you can get it through interlibrary loan, or if not, I may know of someone who may be able to lend you a copy. Also get some counseling and learn your options, and how you can cope with the situation. Go here:
http://www.heartbeatinternational.org/worldwide_directory.asp
Look in the country list for your country. There are quite a few in the UK. I can also get you a contact who may be able to help you find someone very close to you if this doesn't work. If you look at "details", you will receive the contact information. If you are in England, there are several pages.
Lots of people will say well, we understand why she would want to get an abortion. I'm not one of those people. Yes, I understand the issues, feelings, conflicts and all of that. If I were in your shoes, the LAST thing I would want is an abortion! As long as I was a rape victim, that would be one thing. But if I harmed my baby, that would make me an aggressor. I stood by the side of the woman who had the abortion, stood up for her, worked with her. It was heartbreaking to see what the situation did to her!
If you need to talk to me more, I will be here for you, no matter what you decide, but I hope you will give this some serious thought. Abortion is dangerous, and it causes terrible mental suffering. A woman's chance of committing suicide is six times what it would be, if she has an abortion. I've been there with a woman, too. She had an abortion and months later, became suicidal. Another woman and I stayed up all night exchanging messages with her by internet to keep her from doing it. I was never so scared in all my life! We have kept in touch, and it has been several years. She wasn't suicidal just once, either. A few months ago, she wrote to me that someone at work was considering abortion. She said to me, PLEASE talk her out of it! My abortion ruined my life!
It all depends on whether you want to live with the knowledge of having had an abortion. Abortion is forever. You can't take it back. You don't know what kind of blessing this child might be to you or someone else. So please think about this carefully. Take care of yourself. Let me know what happens. But PLEASE tell your doctor. He or she needs to know in case there are any problems.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I fully understand what you are saying, but due to mental health problems I have been told it will most likely get taken from me after birth anyway. That, I couldnt bear.
Like you, I have always been against abortion and seen it as murder,but due to circumstance, there really no is no other option.
You say it will probably be a surgical abortion. Is there alternatives then? I am only 6 weeks pregnant so its very early on.
I also want to thank you soooo much for taking the time to write such an indepth reply. I really appreciate it.
AnswerHi, Georgia,
You are very, very welcome. You are precious, and you deserve better than the current situation, and you certainly deserve better than abortion!
I can understand where you are coming from. But you have several months to find an answer to your mental health problems, and I think I can help you with that!
There are always other options. You know what abortion is. You know what it does to a child. Can you live with yourself if you have an abortion? Having mental health problems makes you a VERY poor candidate for abortion.
Here is a web site that will explain what you would be up against, as far as your own mental well being is concerned:
http://www.afterabortion.info/
There are worse things than dealing with the situation you have now.
And no, at six weeks, there aren't other options. And by now, your baby has a heartbeat, brain waves, eyes, and fingers. Your baby is depending on you for your protection. No matter what the situation eventually turns out to be, right now, you are the mother of this baby, and that is the responsibility God gave you, KNOWING your circumstances. He loves you, and He loves your baby, and He has promised never to give us more than we can bear. But we can certainly heap troubles on ourselves!
Let me know some details (make it private) and I'll point you in some directions. PLEASE don't do this! It's not worth it. Keep in touch. I will work through this with you.
