Question heres my sad story, i met my husband when i was 18, i am now 44 so is my husband. we lived in ny. for many years, my husband started saying lets move to puerto rico, he is spanish so am i. but he was born in pr. not me i was born in ny. so i did not know the spanish culture. anyway for two years he wanted to move to pr. finally i said ok for you we will go , we sold everything in our apartment. we took our 2 kids, they are now 19 (boy) and 10 (girl.) since the first month in puerto rico we found out no there were no jobs, medical is terrible, we went through hell for 9 years here. i speak no spanish, i am disabled, i have had 8 operations and need another one on my both feet. we argued about many things but always stayed together, finally my husband tells me i would like to go to nursing school. i said ok that will be wonderful, a good future . so i paid every bill in my house rent ect... so he did not have to work. he was failing most of his classes. the main ones for nursing. then i found out he was not going to class. he said he did not know if he loved me anymore so he needs space, i never suspected another woman was the problem. i was devastated this was 1 yr ago.he moved to his mothers house, the next two weeks he kept coming over every day, then finally he said i do love you and i want to make this marriage work. i accepted him back in to the house. now 1 yr has passed, and he looked at me last week and said i do not love you any more. im leaving. i was shocked. here was a man who was my soul mate , talking till 3 in the morning. he was a real family man,we did everything together, everything, he loved his kids,he would do anything for us. he told me he wants to be happy, have a career, i asked him if there was someone else he said no he just basically wants to start a new life. the thing is last month he told me i love you so much. now this month no love? i am devastated again, my kids are devastated. i hate it here, i do not speak the language. i am on disability, my husband said he will go to florida to his brothers house next month and get a job there then an apartment. when he gets us setteled,he will leave us, he will come back to puerto rico. he is treating us as though he does not care for us. i am going crazy here. if i go to florida how will i support my kids i have no family there, my check is $600 dollars a month, im sure the rents are higher than that. i am stuck here i do not know what to do. we are on section 8 here but everything is under my husbands name not mine. i only pay $53 a month here. but i speak no spanish, i cannot get my much needed operation here they have no specialists here for what i need. my feet get worse every year. I can walk but not too much, i was born with club feet. there are also no programs here for me. my husband is giving me $35 a week for gas and some food. he works 5 hours a night at a gym and only makes $4 an hour. he feels like a failure because he cannot support his family. at first he was so happy about going to florida to get a job and we could start over. as the time got closer, , now he does not want to go. he says he wants to finish school, which he does not study for. any advice, i feel as though i have done something wrong, a failure, im scared to death. i do not work we both decided that i would raise the kids. now he has left me i feel as though im going crazy, no hope for the future. i dont know whats going on in his mind, he wont express his feelings only to say he want to be happy. how can you leave your kids? please advise me, if you can be so kind how do i get thru this? I do not know if i should ask my family in the states to take me in and help me get back on my feet. this will mean leaving my husband and possibly not seeing him again. many thanks mary...........
AnswerDear Mary,
First, You cannot blame yourself for other peoples actions or decisions, they have a mind of their own. What you can do is be supportive, in so far that you are healthy and safe. It has come to a point, as noted in your email, that this is not the case. I encourage you to speak with a counselor if you can find one that speaks english. If you cannot then you may want to speak with one over the phone from the states. They can help you decide what it is you can do to make your self emotionally strong in order to make the best decisons for yourself and your children.
It's hard to think straight when you've been on an emotional yo-yo. If he wants to finish school- great but that's not going to pay for or give you access to your much needed operation. As you noted in your email -you have been together for a very long time- in that time you have supported where you could and it maybe time for you to take of yourself. I'm certainly not suggesting a divorce, but a change in priorities- your health and safety.
Speak to your family about living arrangements should you in the kids need it. Perhaps you can get some type of job- I know that you haven't worked, but some job, any paying job, brings in income and with that comes confidence.
If your husband does not want to move with you then that's a issue you'll need to speak with him about. Perhaps discussing your life goals, 2 years from nowm, 5 years, 10 years may help to put things into much needed perspective. If in fact he wants out of the marriage you will want to decide if you want to go to marriage counseling or educate yourself on divorce in PR or in the state you move to.
The fact is you are an individual, a mother and wife. Each one has it's responsibilities and joys. You can move through this, you have friends and family who I'm sure believe in you and will help in anyway they can. He says he wants to be happy, and so do you I'm sure. Do what makes you happy and you can't go wrong.
I hope this was helpful.
