QuestionHi bill
I really would like a guy's perspective on this. A little history:
We have been married 15 years. I had the pre-marriage talk with him that I did NOT want children, mostly because I loved my career in the airline, never wanted to give it up, had lots of good friends and was fulfilled. He said OK but then changed his mind a few years later. He wanted to be a dad so much that he was miserable; so, I had a child. I was a flight attendant and had commuted to my job. I wanted to live at my home base and have him find a job there, so I would not have to give up my career. BUT he did not want to give up HIS job, which was in another state. So, I gave up my career. I had always been independent, so it was hard to give up. He made me some promises in return, which he did not keep. All of a sudden, our income was HIS money and he admitted that he felt that way. I was placed on a budget; I did not mind but I DID mind that he was NOT on one also).
I communicated that I felt resentful because of these things. Our relationship became strained over the last year and he was very moody. He started to feel like a stranger to me...... my gut told me he was hiding something. I did some snooping and found $1100.00, $800.00, large sums of money spent on all-nude strip clubs. We do well financially, but not THAT well!! He dipped into our credit line (we had agreed--NO debt) He did this on nearly EVERY layover, for at least the last 2 years (about once every month or so) I only have records dating back that long. We have a toddler (3) and were to take a family vacation last winter, which I looked forward to because I thought it would be good for our marriage, plus I hadn't gotten out much since having the baby. When I moved, I left my friends and family behind. He said we really couldn't afford the vacation without using the credit line, so we agreed to put it off. Yet, that very month he spent nearly $1000.00 on partying and getting "lap-dances" with naked strippers.
My reaction was rage! I felt insulted, (these girls are half my age), disrespected, deceived, lied to and yes, I felt betrayed, that he had been unfaithful. I felt like a fool that it had gone on under my nose; I felt like a fool for trusting him. I was so devastated by this on so many levels, I told him I could no longer be his wife. I sleep in the guest room until I can make a decision NOT borne of anger. I have a toddler, who adores his dad and ONE of us has to put him first.
My husband, no surprise, thinks I am over-reacting. He does not consider what he did to be unfaithful. It's not just that he crossed a boundary with these girls, he lied to me over and over; every time I could not get in touch with him and asked where he was, he lied. On one occasion, both my baby and I were sick; I had to call an ambulance and I could not reach him on his cell. My son was ok but he found this out the next day.
If he had done this once or twice and stopped, that would be a whole different ball game. BUT this required planning and so much deceit!
It seems particularly cruel to me that he knew my issues and fears; that my parents let me down. They did not take care of me, emotionally or financially. I became independent and only trusted "me" to take care of me. This was a huge leap of faith, to allow myself to trust him and depend on him. But still, he doesn't get why I am so devastated, why I feel like my world has just fallen apart; that I don't feel I will ever be able to trust him again. I can never feel "safe" with him again.
AM I OVER - REACTING??? I REALLY do want to know, even if you think I am.
I wanted to know what he told himself to make this ok in his mind. He admitted that he was being selfish, he felt, at the time, that he "worked hard, that it was HIS money and he deserved to have some fun; that he felt too restricted at home and didn't have enough "free time" (I DO expect him to spend the majority of his free time with the child HE wanted); that he was unhappy because of a lack of "intimacy" in our relationship. To be fair, frequency had decreased, as of late; some months more than others BUT nowhere near enough to justify this. And due in no small part to his disrespectful attitude of 'he worked--I didn't' and later, my feelings of distrust. I had suggested counseling, he refused; I suggested the vacation but in both cases he opted to go to strip clubs, drink and party and get lap dances, instead.
When I suggested that these are the actions of a man who wishes to be single and free versus a responsible family man, he admitted wondering if the grass was greener.....To me, as a responsible parent, you lose the luxury of wondering if the grass is greener on the single side of life when you have a child.
My take? He is a selfish, immature man-child who tried to have his cake and eat it too. He said he thought of this as something fun he did on his layovers and not affect his family life; that he never thought I would find out and therefore would never hurt me. Logical??!!!
Thanks for letting me rant. I look forward to your take.
Dix
AnswerI think your assessment of him is accurate, the real question becomes what to do. Frsnkly is he willing to come in line to save the mnarriage, do you want to? If so set up some criteria and then manage it. I hope it works out for you as you have given up so much. Set easily attainable goals and then work to the hard ones. If he responds positively then you might have a chance if not, you won't be loosing much.
Bill
