QuestionHi, I've been with the same man for 7 years now, we just married a few months ago. We have 2 children together and he has custody of his son, whom I've raised since he was 1. The problem is that I have given up all of my goals, and I want to fix them so I can finish them. I dropped out of college during my 2nd pregnancy, and can't return until I pay off what I owe. I'm having a hard time finding a job, he has just gotten one after nearly 2 years out of work. He is ridiculously addicted to the computer and video games, we lack good communication because no matter what I say it seems to become a personal attack on him I have found every resource imaginable for us to move out of state to obtain a better life. Where I want to move has better schools, more jobs, higher pay, more housing,and its near the college I want to go to when I finish paying off the old stuff. He is in college and tends to be very selfish. He won't move for silly reasons, that are always changing. I find a solution and he comes up with another reason. He won't put the children first, and I'm responsible for close to 95% of housework, childcare, appointments, etc. He just started his job a week ago, so this has been going on even while he was unemployed. I'm tired of giving up my dreams of college and a better life to support his. I've done nothing but support his goals, including a very unrealistic music career, college, parties whatever it may be. He is 31 for goodness sake! I know that moving away would be great for all of us. He hates my family and were we are now is a 30 second walk to my mom's house. Even moving an hour or two away isn't far enough to keep them at bay. What should I do? I love him and my stepson dearly, but the lazy, selfish, self-destructive state of mind he has is soooo frustrating.
AnswerHi Amber~
Do what you need to do in order for you to be happy. Whatever that may be. And that's not being selfish or unrealistic either. You have to ask yourself would this be a logical and beneficial decision to uproot a family, move to another state, where you have no secured job, no housing, and you basically have to start all over from scratch. So I can see why he's against doing that, that'd be scary for anyone put in that position. However, if it's a goal and dream of yours to do this, and if you really believe that there are better opportunities for you, then you first need to have a plan and get things lined up before you make the huge life changing decision to move yourself and an entire family to another state to start life anew. If you can prove to him that life would indeed be better and that you can provide a better opportunity for them, you might just have to prove it to him. And if he still refuses to go, then that's his choice to make for himself. You have to do what's right for you and what makes you happy. You have to sit down and think about all of this and what the pros and cons of doing this would mean for you and your family. Is it really worth it to do something this drastic and life changing? If it is, then do it, but that's a decision that only you can be ready, willing and prepared to make for at least you and your children. At what expense are you willing to go to? Are you ready to put your marriage on the line and to go through with this if he refuses? That has to be something you're thinking about and thinking/planning ahead for. And if the answer is yes it's worth all the risks you're taking, then the answer is clear and concise for you, then you should do it. But you have a lot at stake here, just know that. For every action there's a reaction, and for every decision we make there are consequences (good and bad). If he's not willing to commit to that, then maybe he's telling you he's not committed enough to take that leap of faith with you in this marriage. Actions speak way louder than words ever can. And right now his actions are speaking volumes. That he's being selfish and not even considering your options and that you might actually be on to something here and to make life a little easier for you, if he would simply consider moving and to weigh all the options very carefully, and then you both can make a decision as a family unit, not just him or you making the decision on your own and that's it it's final and the fighting and misery just continues on as it has been for a while now. You need to sit down and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
