Questionrecently i got engaged and we are going to get married in month of may, and i had the oppourtunity to hav sex wit my fiancee, when i first time had sex wit her i was not satisfied as my penis was easily got inserted into her vagina and it seemed to be that there was some verticle cut on the vagina as some surgery is done on it, this is damn sure that she is not virgin and secondly can i know if she has done abortion in past?
AnswerHello, suhas,
If there was a vertical cut, then she may have had surgery for a legitimate reason. (I know a woman whose hymen was broken by a doctor when she was a baby because she had an infection, and he felt he needed to examine her. I think it's wrong, but that's what happened.) As for whether she has had an abortion or not, it isn't always possible to tell. It would depend in part on what kind of abortion she had. Of course, the fact a woman has an abortion is going to have consequences, but a lot of things that a woman experiences may be due to other reasons, so it may not be possible to pin it down for that reason, either. A friend of mine who is a doctor says there is no way to tell if a woman has had a pill abortion, but it also wouldn't result in loss of virginity. Most likely, she lost her virginity with the act that made her pregnant in the first place, or similar acts. However, pregnancy can happen without breaking the hymen. If a man puts his penis near the opening and deposits anything at all, pregnancy is possible. It is also theoretically possible that a woman could break her hymen if she uses internal means to deal with her period, although given that it might cause pain, she might not do that. If a woman became pregnant without breaking her hymen, and then she had a surgical abortion, the abortionist would break her hymen.
If she has ever had a surgical abortion, then when she does become pregnant, she will need to tell her doctor for her safety and that of her baby. She has a right to have the doctor keep that confidential. Obviously, because of the increased risk, you might feel you have a right to know. However, there are many other things that can cause problems during pregnancy, too, and a lot of it is things that a woman has no control over. She simply has a problem. Not every problem is strictly a result of abortion. Every single thing that can go wrong can have other causes.
Virginity isn't just a property of a woman's body. It is a state of mind. Reserving oneself for marriage is virginity. And both men and women have it. When you had sex with her, even if she had been a virgin before, neither of you is a virgin now, and you helped bring that about. Don't be too hard on her, because you are at least equally to blame. Not only that, but a woman can lose her physical virginity, but at a later time, she can renounce this illegitimate activity and become chaste. Here in the States, those of us who work with young people call that "secondary virginity."
I would say under the circumstances, you should simply accept her. There is no point in rejecting her for doing what you yourself were willing to do before you got married. Marriage is built partly on trust. You need to be willing to trust her that she will remain faithful to you. And she likewise needs to be able to trust you. This trust will have to be re-established, and you will need to work at it. I think you might want to have a discussion with her. Apologize for taking advantage of her, and make a covenant with each other to stay faithful and not to have any more sex until you are actually married. If you love and cherish her, and give her hugs and kisses, but don't take any more advantage of her, she is much more likely to reciprocate by loving and cherishing you. Women reflect how they are treated. Marriage involves making a decision to cherish the other person. This is true love. This means putting her interests before your own, and she should reciprocate. Most of the time, women will do it without being asked. They'll do it even when the man is abusive and it doesn't make any sense for her to cleave to him. It's part of the difference between the genders. True love isn't the sexual attraction. True love is the decision to cherish.
I hope this helps.
Congratulations, and I hope you have a long, prosperous, and happy marriage.
