QuestionPat,
I had my first abortion in 1995, and vowed to not have sex anymore. When I would meet guys they would agree with my choice then slowly go to work on changing me. Without me realizing it there I was in a full blown sexual relationship. Things wouldn't work out and I would break up with them and renew my vow to not have sex again. Then once again there I was pregnant in 2008, and having another abortion. It's been nearly a year ago and I find that I am afraid to get to know a guy because he will agree with my decision then set (unknown to me) his schedule to change my commitment. How is it possible to find someone to be with when other women are giving themselves so freely? Why would a guy want to do without sex? Let's say I am fortunate enough to find a guy who agrees to my vow of secondary virginity however cannot hold out and goes and is with some else because he has needs? Is my future one where I am alone?
AnswerHello, Raine,
Your message is very enlightening. Thank you!
I do have a couple of suggestions. First, please realize that there are decent guys out there. The important thing is to hang in there and wait for one of them to find you. Also, there are some places you can spend time where the odds are better. The first place that comes to mind is church youth groups. There may be other places. No, guys do not NEED sex. They want it. And nowadays, a lot of them think they are entitled. Not only that, but it is often the case they've slept around, and you don't want them anyway. If nothing else, you would be at risk for disease.
The most important thing you can do is set some boundaries. The most obvious one is to refuse to be alone with a man anyplace at all. Stay with people. Yes, if you date, you will have to ride with him, but make it only to your destination and back. Another boundary I set was that I reserved my kisses for the person I would marry. An interesting thing happened as a result. I had dated a boy about three times, and he wanted a kiss. I said no and told him why, and he slapped me on the rump. I showed him the door and didn't look back. Months later, he called me, but although I was civil, I refused to do what he wanted. I saw him years later, and he was wearing a wedding ring. Inasmuch as I considered what he did as abusive, I can hope he learned his lesson and was being kind to his wife.
You are communicating, and telling them what your limits are. If you set the right limits, the bad ones will leave you sooner rather than later. If you place a limit on kissing and petting, and you stick to it, you won't get to the point where you "fall into" sex. When the bad ones leave, you are available for someone better.
Another approach is not to date at all. There is a book titled Why I Don't Date. I haven't read it, but it might be interesting and helpful. You will meet men anyway, just by being around. Amazon doesn't have it, so you'll probably have to do a search, because I don't remember where I saw it.
You can also probably get counseling. There are groups that support secondary virginity. I don't know how to get in touch with them, but I know how you might find out. Go to your nearest pregnancy center and ask them. You can find one near you by going here: http://www.pregnancycenters.org .
If somehow you do get pregnant again, carry your baby. It will help tremendously, believe it or not.
Good luck! You're on the right track. Let me know how things go, and feel free to ask more questions, and to come when you just need to talk. Take care.
