Addressing Trust Issues: When Your Wife Accuses You of Looking at Other Women

Question
Hi Kiya

First of all thank you for the great work. I have been married 9 month after three months
of dating. Some reasoin at some times my wife feels like I have been looking at other women
in public places, and most of the incidents I have not been looking. This has made me
tense and really I have acted wacked and sometimes thrown things around.

What would make her think I am looking at other women.  Sometimes it has started to sacred me
that when I see women ..I get nervous thinking that my wife will think I am looking at women.
Is this common in new relatinship? how should I react and what do you suggest?

Thanks

Gopal

Answer
Dear Gopal,
You stated in your letter that "most of the incidents I have not been looking". Does this mean that you look some of the time? If you do, your not alone. Many men look at other women. It is OK if your wife agrees to it and she looks at other men as well, but most of the time couples agree not to do this. Yes, this does happen quite frequently and usually it is not the fact that the wife is jealous of the woman you are looking at. She is angry because it is showing disrespect to her. Most all couples have this happen at the beginning and then set boundaries as to who can do what in a relationship. Some people set rules allowing one another to go out, as friends, with someone of the opposite sex. Some people agree that there will be no staring or gazing at another of the opposite sex. This seems to be the case in your relationship, although it would be wise to sit down and talk about all the limitations within your marriage before they happen. Now that you know that it hurts her feelings when you look at another; make it a point to not look at another female. She will see that you are making the point not to look at women and she will reward you for it, as you will see, your relationship will become more stable and she will give you more affection, love and humor. You may have to do this for the rest of your life, but it is worth it, since she will become a happier person inside, therefore, you will have a much happier marriage. You sound as if you care greatly about her so this will be an easy task for you.
Take care and good luck!
Kiya