QuestionHi Kiya, this question is a bit different from the other ones on here, I'm not sure if it's the right category but couldn't find a better one. My question is about finding time together and about family.
Here's the story,
My parents are divorced but still friendly,living close by, and I have an adult sister (21) (I am 24). My fiance Sam is 38, and his parents are still married living close by, and he has an adult brother (21).My fiance and I are living together and are getting married next year.
We are working very hard through the week trying to save up for our wedding, my fiance does overtime in his job Saturdays and during the week, and I am working full time and working part time three nights a week also.
The problem is, we don't get a lot of time together through the week, so we want to spend time together on the weekend (as well as sleeping in and resting up for the next busy week), but EVERYONE seems to gang up on us and wants us to visit here or there, or come and visit us, the phone rings hot all weekend.
Because my three other family members are all living separately, they all ring me one after the other and all want to visit or want me to visit them. I love to see my family, but I want to spend some time relaxing with my fian'ce too.
By the time it gets to the end of the weekend, and we've done all our housework, and visited everyone, sometimes catch up with friends or someone's birthday, ring people and do other things that need to be done ( getting things fixed or bills or some paper trail or another) it's late Sunday night and we have hardly got to spend time together or go and do something fun together.
It starts to get really stressy, and I end up feeling really stressed out, and guilty no matter what I say yes or no to. Even if we go visit everyone one after the other I feel like it's not enough because we have to rush off to the next place. Sometimes every weekend feels like Christmas day. (trying to visit everyone at once).
My fiance's family don't contact as much but if we don't remember we haven't seen them for a while, my fianc'e s mum gets disappointed that we haven't visited, even though she won't say anything. (plus I think guys are twice as bad at keeping contact)
I really try so hard, and my fiance does get disappointed too because spending time together is very very important to him. My family can be a bit chaotic and although I am fairly used to sudden changes in plans and drop-in-visitors and stuff, he does not adapt well to it and it stresses him out quite a lot.
One other thing is that, and it used to be something funny we used to laugh about but has now become quite annoying and beyond funny - almost every time we are in bed together, SOMETHING will happen, either the phone will ring, (and because we also have a mobile each, sometimes TWO phones will ring -(my family also has a habit of if one phone is not answered they will ring the next one and the next one just in case, there's no ignoring it) - or the doorbell will ring.
Usually most times it is my dad visiting because he has an uncanny sense of timing, (and he can not be told, he will not ring before he comes over)
We get a bit on edge, waiting for the phones to ring or the door to go, and sometimes it really gets to my fiance, he says that there is some destiny thing that wants to keep us apart because something happens everytime we want to be alone together.
Please let me know what you think - sometimes it feels like our lives are just chaos running from one thing to the next. I love seeing my family but I can't be in ten places at once and sometimes it feels like I'm squeezing out time with my fiance, and even more time doing things on my own.
Thanks for your advice :)
AnswerDear Kellie,
You are very blessed to be loved so much. It sounds like everyone is fighting for a little piece of you. I can see how tiring it must be to keep up with all of them. The best way to handle an issue like this is to talk to every single person in your families and all your friends and to organize every detail of your life. You can explain to your family that you need to become more organized since there are many tasks that are being left unfinished. Tell them that you need to set a schedule so that everything can get accomplished. You can either set up times that they can come over to see you or when you can go over there. Or you can tell them the times that are set in your household that are just for you to get things done. For example, you can tell them not to come over after 5pm on Saturdays and before 11am on Sundays since this is a good time for you to do chores, bills, clean-up, errands or even time alone with your fiance. You can make it clear that you will not be able to talk on the phone either since if you get these things done efficiently, you will be able to spend more quality time with them without having these things weigh on your mind. You can also get a planner and record everything you do including every visit so that you can portion all your time out evenly. Tell your families and friends that you are becoming stressed since you do not have enough time for everything. Also, make sure that you plan time with his family as well. Many men leave it up to their wives or girlfriends to make time for their family. You must make the effort to spend time with his family or even have your fiance go over to spend some time with them. Eventually someone, whether it be your fiance or his family, will become resentful of you for not making enough effort to get together. Some families have a hard time realizing that once you become married or dwell into couple-hood, that you have to split your time in half since now you have 2 families instead of 1. I know that it gets crazy, especially around the time of getting married and getting used to a whole new way of life. Sometimes you just have to stand your ground. Be as loving as possible and be firm. You have to set your standards and do what is best for your fiance and you. You both are what is most important right now and most engaged couples need to step up and tell their parents to take a step back. This is extremely common and important since many parents do not realize what they are doing. You will earn respect from your family and your fiance by being strong and able to handle and overcome situations that arise as an adult by maturely dealing with them. Just give your families lots of hugs along the way. They are learning too.
Take care and good luck!
Kiya
