Navigating Marital Distance: Understanding and Addressing Emotional Detachment

Question
My spouse and I have been married for 21 years.  Last January, he told me he felt our marriage was a friendship.  He said there would always be a small place in his heart because of the kids.  We have 2 autistic kids.  He said he'd stay to raise them and whatever happens after they grow up happens.  I tried to make things work, hoping its just a phase he's going through.  He said he didn't know why he was unhappy.  He got nasty with me by calling me vulgar names when angry and even  got a bit violent.   He is uncomfortable around me.  The sex was an obligation to perform and he felt it was hard for him to perform.  He finally seemed passionate one time.  The next day he appoligized for the performance because he felt he used me-it was only for the moment.  Since that day, T won'y touch him.  He never made it an effort to try.  He would seem to be calm during the week and lets the anger out every weekend.  He doesn't want to go out anywhere.  We do have lots of debt.  One was a loan I recently learned of from a couple of years ago due to property taxes due during the holidays so we can have spending cash for gifts.  I cannot drive because I'm epileptic and had an accident 8 years ago.  His sis, her son, and brother live around the corner and his sister is nosey and a gossiper who cannot be trusted.  He talked to his family members once, supposedly, about us.  When we went to a counselor, she said I was right by suggesting not to talk to family.  He did not like it.  We cannot afford any more visits.  We went for 3 since they were free from his job benefits.  T finally gave up trying since there is no cooperation from him.  I feel the same about him as he does toward me.  We do not feel comfortable in the same bed though we are stll sharing it apart. I work 4-12 a.m. and his hours vary, starting anywhere for 2 or 4 a.m.  He takes care of the kids during the evening.  I cannot afford to go part time.  Jobs are hard to find now too.  I've talked to him a couple of times and he never seems anxious to come up with a solution.  He runs away.  This time I sort of hinted toward a separation.  I suggested another sleeping spot for him.  I do still need his help with watching the kids and picking me up from my 1 a.m. train.  I gave him a week to either decide or come up with another solution.  I am also seeing an ex-boyfriend from h.s. who had a horrble marriage and going through a bitter divorce. He also has a rough job schedule as well.  We have good feelings toward each other.  I even found out that our breakup was nothing personal toward us.  We always look forward to seeing each other and savoring the short time we have to spend.  It's sort of like a long distance relationship.  We talk to each other almost everyday.  

I was wondering if you have any advice on this situation?

Answer
Hi Mary,

It seems you have grown apart.  I can spend a lot of time trying to tell you that you have to save your marriage, but it looks like you have pretty well decided what you want to do at this point.  I can only give you the following advice.  Whatever you decide to do, do it with grace and with integrity.  You are and will be judged in life and thereafter by how you treat other people.

Speak to your husband about where you want your life to go from here on, and if there is not way to reconcile your differences, then make sure that you both remain on good terms and do what you have to do with as much respect as possible.  Make sure the children continue to benefit from both of you.



I hope this helps,

kind regards and good luck to both of you,



Don.