QuestionWe're engaged at this point. He has finished his PhD and I'm finishing up my masters. He has managed to get through school without any debt but I have school loans. When we get married my debt will be his debt. This makes me feel so bad. He's worked so hard for his PhD, he's now making 6 figures, and here I come ruining it. I would rather take care of my debt before we walk down the aisle but how do I tell him? He really wants to get married right after I graduate. He knows the total amount of my school loans but he doesn't seem to mind but it matters to ME. It does make sense to just talk about it but he's no a talker, he's a do-er. He doesn't tell me he loves me all the time but he sure shows it. When he has to apologize he mumbles it but makes up for it in his actions. What should I do?
AnswerHi Eva,
Congrats on your education. I have gone that route as well, and have significant debt. If I waited to marry until I pay it off I will certainly be dead first.
You don't say how much debt you have, but many of these loans are for 20 or 30 years. To me, your choice is is sort of a metaphor for "I'm not got going to live, be happy, etc. until ... I do whatever blah, blah." In this case, you put living in the NOW off due to financial debt and guilt. What if you die or get sick in the next few years? What if he does?
If I were you I would get therapy over why this is such a big deal to you. It seems to me that you are making something a big deal that doesn't really have to be a big deal. Maybe you have issues with give and take ... giving is easy for you, but taking is difficult? You certainly are worth receiving, my dear.
Anyway, I would go work on why you find it so difficult to receive ... many of those with that issue don't realize that they deprive those of us who love to give when they shut the door to allowing us to do so. Marriage may mean he gives more now, and you give more later. Consider allowing the ebb and flow of give and take.
I wish you the best and hope this helps.
Doctor Becky
